Christmas

And it's time for another post that my family doesn't know about. 
I MAKE Christmas for my family.  Ever since I left.  My Mom is blind as fuck and my Dad and brother don't do Christmas shopping (though I will say I got the greatest gifts from my brother for my 30th birthday).  Grandma is slipping into old age and so it's always been up to me that they have gifts to actually open.  I'm not going to fault any of them for this at all, but it doesn't make it any easier.  Each year is a scramble to find SOMETHING that they'll like, times 10, and wrap and package the gifts and send them off, so each one of them has something to open that won't take 10 minutes to do.  Every single year.  This year I'm on sabbatical so I told myself I'd get all shopping done by the end of Nov.  I'm doing it, but goddamn.  The pressure is enormous every year. 
If I talked to them about it, they'd say Oh, don't worry about it.  But I do.  I want to make sure that every Christmas where I can't be there is perfect.  So here's another season where I'm trying to do this again, and it's not easy.
I suppose this is a total #firstworldproblems post and it is.  But it's also about giving your family a good Christmas with gifts to unwrap every year.  I will do the best I can.  But it's still hard. 

Kitty Genovese

Are we turning into a nation that has forgotten the Kitty Genovese Murder?  Or are the people that I work with too young to remember that horrific event?

Yesterday, there was a medical emergency involving a co-worker.  And as an empath, and as the only female who jumped in, I was the only one who started to organize the few people who actually didn't stand back in their office or close the door to: you watch the guy and get him to sit/calm down, you call our emergency-guru, you call 911, etc. 

The ONLY PERSON. 

We found out, once the paramedics came and his TL joined the fracas that he has epilepsy and his inability to walk or talk (he seriously just could not) was probably due to a seizure.  And while some people looked on at the stumbling and collapsing and inability speak anything other than gibberish, I was apparently the only person who knew this poor kid needed help and started delegating tasks. 

Really?

If someone needs help, help them.  This is not a difficult choice. 

And no, if you ask, I will not reveal his name.  This person has already experienced such a gross invasion of privacy that it's not right of me to do so. 

Guns and violence

I'm so tired of all the crap happening in our world today.
I'm tired of people thinking that Repubs have the right idea. 
I'm tired of people dying by guns that completly sensible reform could have prevented.  I know it won't prevent everything.  But it will at least HELP. 
I'm so tired of feeling guilty that I had an abortion.  If you wanted that child to be born then you should have stepped up, but Repubs don't.  They oppose almost all pulic assistance programs, which I would have had to go on, and I wouldn't have finished college.  So FUCK YOU. 
I'm tired of feeling guilty that I have a goddamn uterus.  If men had the ability to get pregnant, there would be drive-through clincs all through the US and Roe vs Wade would never have been a problem. 
I'm tired of feeling ashamed of my sexuality.  If I'm straight, then who cares?  And if I'm gay, I'm trying to advance the "gay agenda" which is nothing more than to be able to have a goddamn family. 
If I believe in gun control, I'm a stupid liberal.  Well you know what?  If someone invades my home I'm gonna come at that asshole gun or not, and he's gonna regret the day he was born.  Dodge, you morons.  Or just work through the pain.  Or is it just Democrats who have learned to live and go on through the pain?
So, to anyone who votes Repub......I just don't know.  You've either been brainwashed or you're just plain stupid.  Try looking at the facts for once.  Then talk to me. 

Pain

I went to post something here.  But i realized that I can't.  I hate this. 

Pets are not possessions

I've been involved with many pet shelters over the years and it is just horrifying how people treat pets.  They are not "things" - they are thinking, loving, living beings who deserve every bit of love and attention that a child does.  Pets are not an impuse buy.  If you make the decision to take in a shelter (or any) pet - which I belive that everyone should do - you need to understand that you are taking on a major responsibility.  They are not perfect - and neither are we.  Try to work with them, understand them, give them love.  See them as a being that is just as deserving of love and understanding as you are.  But don't get a pet unless you are willing to put their needs above yours sometimes.  Because that's what love is.  And it translates to the human world as well.  If you think that pets are disposable things, then other people will treat you accordingly. 

Apology

I didn't know anyone still looked at this, and I apologize to those that did.  I didn't meant to alarm anyone with my last post.  I've been under a ton of stress with the cats lately, and I have been fighting the oncoming depression, as all know, and that coupled with the lack of sunlight (boo DST) set me off and I needed to get stuff out in a place that I thought was not read. 

tears

I will break down, crying, soon. But not yet. Not yet.

Vows

I never vowed that I would stay in a marriage where I'm treated like complete crap. So fuck you and your so-called-vows. I mean, really. WTF is wrong with you?

Lust

Lusting after someone that I can't have isn't something I'm used to :(

It's hard to live up to this blog name right now

I managed to get down a bit of fried rice last night. That's all I've eaten since Wednesday afternoon. I tried coffee this morning, but Damon had to pull over the car later so I could throw up all over the sidewalk.

I can't wear contacts anymore. I gave up last night. My eyes burn so badly from the so many, many tears I've shed.

I can't sleep without dreaming of my poor, poor, kitty cat.

I can't do this.

We came home from vacation Wednesday night to find him in distress and immediately rushed him to the ER vet. They kept him until Friday morning, when he was transferred to the ICU at the UW vet hospital. He has HCM, which at this point, since he's in severe heart failure, is lethal.

My poor baby, who I've had for only five and a half short years, is dying as I type this. My sweetie, who kept me company when I was injured. My love, who wanted nothing more than to curl up with me at night. The light of my life, who always met me at the door and wanted to talk when I got home. My sweet, sweet kitty cat who always wanted to "help" me with work when I was working on the computer until late in the night. The one animal that loved me so unconditionally that he always adjusted wonderfully when we uprooted him to live in a new place (5 times by now). My dear who always wanted to go outside, but turned into such a scared little boy on the couple times he managed to do so.

My Sam, my poor, poor, sick, little boy, you are the best friend a girl could ever have. Please, fight. Please, give me just a few more days with you. I love you so much, and my heart is so totally broken right now.

Please. Just a little more time.

Victoria

"Don't know why Tori came by
I could see by the look in her eyes
Tori'd been driving around the town for awhile
Playing with the thought of leaving
Don't know why Tori just smiled
Mentioned something 'bout how you were right
Must have been hard to see through the tears she was hiding
Looked outside at the car in the drive
And the suitcase on the backseat inside
Sure it's so, she can't look out behind at the road
She said "I might not be seein him soon
I've got a few things I've been waiting to do"
Hey, Tori came by, Tori came by tonight
Hey, Tori came by, she says to say goodbye..."
~John Mayer

My Blog

Ahhh my blog. Where I can say anything and not be censored. Lovely.
I've been thinking about my title lately, "Never Give Up". It just mirrors so many times in my life.
When I attempted suicide, don't get me wrong - it wasn't a bid for attention, as I'm sure my friends in the hospital waiting room will attest to. It was the real thing.
Since I was saved (and with no noticeable side affects, despite the doctor's first prognosis that I wouldn't live, and if I did, I'd likely be paralyzed from the waist down) I have since adopted this mantra of "Never Give Up". It's so important to me.
Because if had, I would have missed all the wonderfulness (and pain) that has happened since then. Just gotta keep believing.

Single

I found this article on "single living" but it really applies to everyone, attached or not, so I thought I'd share it:
http://www.care2.com/greenliving/12-tips-for-single-living.html

Very good ideas.

Yey!

The parental units are coming for a visit!

I think the last time my Mom was here was the weekend after the attempt that hospitalized me. And even though my wonderful friend Loud and my wonderful husband D got me home in time to meet them, so they wouldn't have to see me in said hospital, it wasn't exactly a happy visit.

My Dad then came after the car accident that also landed me in the hospital, but this time I couldn't escape for 5 days, so he had to come to the hospital to see me. Here's me, black eyes, cuts and all, waving hi to my Mom while my Dad took this picture:

My Dad also came one other weekend before the wedding to see the house that D and I had bought, and he also brought wine from the vineyards where we had our wedding so that we could taste them to decide what we wanted to serve.

So, while he's been here under times other than under duress, I want my mom to "see" (she's pretty much blind, those who where at the wedding know) how we've been doing, and I've convinced them to come the weekend of Nov 7th.

Yey! I'm so happy :)

Xoe

"They Came From Her Fragile Side
With Imaginary Knives
And A Missing Moment Waiting
For The Next Completed Line

She Died From Lack Of Sleep
And A Case Of Missing Dreams
From A Picture Perfect Wedding
With A Few Deleted Scenes

It's Hard To Watch You Make Believe
That Normal Is Happy
And Everything Else
Should Never Be Seen
Memories That Live Won't Leave

She Thought Of A Thousand Times
When She Could Have Said Goodbye
But The Leaves Were Always Changing
And Her Fall Was Braced Inside

In Her Place There's A Note That Reads
Not The Girl That You Thought I'd Be
And I'm Sorry To Leave Things Hanging
But Your Love Was Killing Me

It's Hard To Watch You Make Believe
That Normal Is Happy
And Everything Else
Should Never Be Seen
Memories That Live Won't Leave..."

~Unfinished Thought

Stranger

"Nobody believes me when I tell them that you're out of your mind.
Nobody believes me when I tell them that there's so much you hide.
You treat me like a queen when we go out,
wanna show everyone what our love's about.
All wrapped up in me whenever there is a crowd,
But when no ones around;

There's no kindness in your eyes,
The way you look at me, it's just not right.
I can tell whats going on this time,
Theres a stranger in my life.
You're not the person that I once knew.
Are you scared to let them know it's you?
If they could only see you like I do,
Then they would see a stranger too...

Did I ever do anything that was this cruel to you?
Did I ever make you wonder who was standing in the room?
You made yourself look perfect in every way,
So when this goes down, I'm the one that will be blamed.
Your plan is working so you can just walk away,
Baby your secret's safe.

Such a long way back, from this place that we are at.
When I think of all the time I've wasted, I could cry..."

~Hilary Duff

:(

Hurt

I saw a picture of my brother on facebook last week, of him all beat up. It was just his face, but it was all brused and cut up, one eye even swollen completely shut.
He says he doesn't know what happened - he had a concussion and couldn't remember anything, and that all the hospital staff knew was that he was found on the street and taken in my ambulence.
My god.
My little brother (ok, he's my twin, but he's 1 minute younger than me).
I've always been the protective sister, stepping up to dicks who wanted to beat him up or whatnot, so they'll step down (bullies always do if you stand up to them).
But he won't tell me what happened, and I can't believe he just fell down. I'm distraught. I've always protected him (much to his annoyance) and I can't do a single thing because he's 1500 miles away and won't tell me what happened.
It looks like it was one hell of a beating :(

What is "righteous" food?

So, I just finished reading Righteous Porkchop by Nicollette Hahn Niman. It's a really good look at the American meat (and subsequentially, food) system, and it's many flaws.
If you haven't read it, I recommend it. It's a bit dry, but once you get into it, it's pretty fascinating. I also recommend The Omnivore's Dilemma and In Defense of Food, both by Michael Pollan. And of course, Animal, Vegetable, Miracle by Barbara Kingsolver.
All books, together, offer a rather revealing look at how food in this country is produced, though be wary that every book has it's bias and you should probably read more than just one to get the full picture.
I can completely say that they have profoundly changed my life.
Though I suppose I should start from the beginning.
Let's go back to January, 2007. I had gotten into a horrific car crash, thanks to my genetic ability to consume ludicrous amount of alcohol and still walk and talk like a normal human being (BAC of .29, anyone?). I was stuck at home for over 2 months, recovering, and still have lasting injuries that will stay with for me for the rest of my life. During those torturous ten weeks, I mostly slept and went to physical therapy, and the many other hours were interspersed with times of complete rage at my condition and the hell that came along with it. I worked a couple of hours a day to pay for my company subsidised heath insurance and such, but couldn't do much else (can you imagine not even being able to shower or cook/eat without assistance?). So, I read a lot.
One of the books 11frogs gave me was the AMV book mentioned above. I really got into it. Come mid-summer, I'd read the book and wanted to start going to the farmer's market 5 min away from our house. Since I'm not the type to get up any earlier than noon on weekends, I decided that going before work on Wednesdays was a good compromise. I'd get up a bit earlier in the middle of the week, but would still have my weekends.
Since then, I haven't missed a market. Even when I was on home confinement for 3 horrid months, I got up early and my husband wore his blue-tooth cell phone earpiece to the market so he could talk to me while he went to get our groceries for the week. We could get almost everything - fruit, veggies, eggs, cheese, beef, pork and chicken. We began to know everyone there.
There's the hosta/onion/brandywine lady, the tomato lady, the egg and donut guy, the goat cheese and garlic/onion guy, the beef people, Dan (who sells us our duck, pork and chicken) and Farmer John (who sells cheese).
Over the past 2+ years, we've become regulars. We're there at the first market in April, through to the the last one in November, travel schedules permitting. We know people and we talk to them, and it's such a nice way to start a day. If one of us isn't there, the other one gets asked where the spouse is. It's such a wonderful thing, to feel that connected.
Last fall, we decided to buy meat in bulk to last us the winter. We bought a chest freezer (best investment EVER!) and purchased a 1/4 cow and 1/2 a hog from the farmer's market people - and I can sincerely say that this is the best beef and pork I've ever eaten. I mean, sure, we got 30+ lbs of ground beef, so it's been an extreme exercise in restraint and creativity to find ground beef recipes that aren't boring and to not default to just eating all the yummy steak cuts that we got. But everything is still good.
And yes, with the pork, I need to remember to take the pork out 2 days before we want to eat it - one day to defrost and one day to brine it in a salt, sugar and vinegar solution - but it's AMAZING when we do cook it. Seriously. It tastes like pork!
Over the summer, we've also purchased 15 whole chickens because we did miss the poultry side of life. They are currently also residing in our chest freezer (well, 12 of them are anyways :P).
Another fun thing about this is that, with the hog, we got like 6 lbs of lard. Since I do try to encourage healthy eating, we haven't tried "pork confit" just yet. Instead, during our month off of work in November (yey the staycation sabbatical!) we're going to try making soap! Yep, let the Fight Club jokes begin - it'll be an interesting experience.
Anyways, to anyone that is still buying meat at the supermarket - I urge you to rethink your decision. Yes, farmer's market meat is more expensive, but it's more flavorful and more nutritious, meaning you can actually reduce your portions without feeling deprived. And if you're worried about buying such large quantities and the cost, ask me. I'd be more than willing to go in on a share with you, and I promise, it's not as expensive as you think.

College love

Ok, so am I the only one who misses college love?
You know, the "I'll-only-sleep-with-you-a-few-times-then-never-see-you-but-it-sure-as-hell-ain't-complicated" fun? Maybe I shouldn't call it love, but fun. I mean, when did uncomplicated sex become not fun? At every party I went to, there was one guy who'd I pick as fun to sleep with. And I always had a "two-night stand" with said guy, a guy who'd I'd sleep with twice, because after 2 nights (not consecutive, blech) we'd find the other person boring and regular.
I mean, I did something dispicable (along those lines, though not completely) some months after my marriage, and my husband forgave me for it.
So am I addicted to the "rush" from those other guys? I was in a relationship when all my discretions in college happened, but the guys and I were safe and I've never suffered any consequences besides the ones I now think I might have brought on myself (loving doing such things with other guys).
I love my husband, don't get me wrong. But does anyone else miss the fun of new parties, new "one-night" friends, the fun of being with someone new and exciting every weekend? Or is it just me? Please let me know - I'm curious.

On A Good Day

"Little bit lost and...
A little bit lonely
Little bit cold here
A little bit feared

I'm a little bit hemmed in
A little bit isolated
A little bit hopeful
A little bit cold

But I hold on
And I
Feel strong
And I
Know that I can

Getting used to it
Lit the fuse to it
Like to know who I am

Been talking to myself forever, yeah
And how I wish I knew me better, yeah
Still sitting on a shelf and never
Never seen the sun shine brighter
And it feels like me
On a good day"
~Oceanlab

ARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH

Work is being stupid today. Like, really, really, unbelievably stupid.

*whine*

Make the stupid stop.

Maybe it really was all for a reason

I had a pretty shitty childhood growing up - all sorts of abuse. Emotional, physical, sexual, mental..........I mean, you name it, I endured it. But then I moved halfway across the country and suddenly everything was ok. I moved away from all the abuse, I met my friends, and I met my husband. I love him more than I ever thought possible - I mean, isn't this sort of love relegated to movies? And so, in spite of all the shit, my life turned out so good. I only wish everyone was so lucky.

Whee!

So, after a full month of events, travel, classes, get togethers and such, and not really having any weekends to myself, D and I are finally going on a long weekend vacation. We're taking Friday and Monday off and flying (first class!!) to Buffalo, NY this weekend! We're going because D loves wings, so he has to make a pilgrimage to the Anchor Bar, where Buffalo Wings were apparently invented, and in researching the trip, we found out that gee, there's this pretty big waterfall up there near Buffalo! So we're staying at this amazing Marriott on Niagara Falls, and the only things we have planned are a massage, facial and dinner one night at the spinny restaurant there. The rest of the time will be spent eating wings, sleeping, and generally enjoying being pampered as all hell :)

Scenes from painting, part 1

So, during my super productive weekend over the July 4th weekend, I mentioned that D and I painted my room and the guest room. The guest room is still in progress, but my room is finished. We painted 2 opposing walls a BEAUTIFUL, bright shade of red that was called "Cherry Tomato":

Isn't it fabulous??

I heart ironman training

So today, in Racine, D finished his first ever half-Ironman! For those of you who don't know, he's training for the full Ironman in September (on our first wedding anniversary, *grumble*). The half is a 1.2 mile swim, 56 mile bike, and 13.2 mile run. D finished in less than 7 hours! I was so happy to be there to watch him cross the finish line:

And yes ladies, that handsome, muscled, Greek god is MINE.......hehehehe. Yum :)

Revelation

I heard a song on the radio when driving home from work tonight, and it went like this:

"Half inch fuse, ready to bite
Never said you’re sorry cause you’ve always been right
Tell me I’m lame every Saturday night
Cause you drank too many and you want to fight
All my life, hold my breath
Wonder what trouble is coming next
Hold on tight through this mess
Sing that song 'cause you sing it best
La la la la
Hey, I love it when you’re spitting in my face
The way you scream when you’re breaking all my things
I love the way you put me in my place
Don’t ever leave me alone..."
~Smile Empty Soul

I must admit, I'm sometimes that girl. I have a shitty week, or my beautiful goldie, my only friend for a while, dies (he moved with me from RI to Madison 6 years ago in a small tupperware container situated in the center console of my car when my "loving" boyfriend wouldn't, and he died last Thursday - we buried him and I couldn't go to work on Friday), or whatever. And I get busy drowning my sorrows, and then get belligerent and annoying. And I always apologize after, because I realize what a world-class asshole I've been.

These kind of angst-ridden, guilt-and-anger, love-and-hate volatile relationships seem sexy, dangerous, and what "real love" must feel like when you're 18.

But I'm 28 now, and if those 10 years have done anything besides make me fatter, it's made me realize this:

FUCK THAT.

I love my husband, a ton. It's an absolute miracle (and I don't believe in god) that we found each other the way we did (living across the country, taking the same job at the same time even when he graduated a year earlier, etc) and I can't imagine living without him.

So, I've decided to grow up. He's worth the "imperfections" that are mostly a product of my own insecurities anyways. I love him and I don't want to drive him away.

And the same goes with my friends. I will reach out more. I love you guys too, and I'm sorry I've been a shitty friend - but hopefully, we can can move past it.

What do you think?

I don't know whether to laugh at this woman's stupidity, or cry at the utter lack of responsibility for one's actions that she's teaching her 13 year-old-soon-to-be-a-mom daughter.

http://failblog.org/2009/07/16/intelligence-fail-2/

R.I.P. Dave :(

Sometime during the day today, my poor beautiful goldie passed away. He was the only living, breathing thing that came with me when I moved from Rhode Island to Wisconsin, 6 long years ago. He finally died after suffering for almost 2 weeks with a disease that we couldn't stop and couldn't cure.

And my heart is breaking :'(

Super productive Saturday!

So, the last time I had a super productive weekend was, oh, two years ago :P

However, over the weekend, we were supposed to hang out with some friends on a boat in the Dells for the fourth of July. On Friday, I had tried to find my swimsuit so I could pack - and realized I COULDN'T FIND IT! I think I threw it out last year for some reason. But, of course, I couldn't hang out on a boat all day with no swimsuit, so, after freaking out Friday night at 11pm, D and I decided to get up super early and hit Kohl's up at 8am (we had to head out at 9:30am to get to the Dells on time).

So, on Saturday, we got up at 7am and were about to head out the door a little after 8am, when the organizer called and said she'd cancelled the boat since it looked like it was going to be stormy.

Oh.

It's 8am on a Saturday and D and I were up - and suddenly without a place to go.

So, we stood downstairs and stared at each other for a while, trying to figure out what to do, because man, this was such an opportunity! We NEVER got up this early!

So, we decided to hit up Mickey's Dairy Bar on Monroe for breakfast, since we'd heard it was great but were never up in time to eat there. It's cash only, BTW, so by the time we'd parked, swung by an ATM and sat down it was like 9:30am. And it was great!! It's a super tiny place but we snagged a booth right away and got to have a great, leisurely, and CHEAP breakfast!

Seriously, it was a lot of food for only twelve bucks - coffee, eggs, toast, bacon, pancakes and an bagel w/cream cheese.

So, then we went to Kohl's as planned so I could pick up some swim suits (I got two) and I also shopped around for some cute dresses for all the weddings this year - again I got two. I also picked up some shirts, shoes, and jewelery. D also picked up some shirts and shorts. I think we spent 3 hours shopping, so I'm all shopped out for the next year :P

Then we went to look at cars so D could peruse the used BMWs, and he found one that he liked, thank god. We then did some shopping for the house and for dinner. After dinner, we went to Menards to get painting supplies! We had some samples from Sherwin Williams that I liked, and so we got busy painting on Saturday night. We painted some walls in my room, and finished that up Sunday. We also painted one coat of paint in the guest bedroom, so we have one coat to go.

Pictures to come of that!

Good and bad

So, here's the bad news for the week: my credit cards got hacked.

Yep, some asshole has my name (old one, interestingly enough), my address, my phone number, and all of my chase credit card information. They decided to order a hoity-toity $180 car seat from a fancy Manhatten baby store. Who the f*ck needs a car seat that costs one hundred and eighty fucking dollars???? Seriously, if your baby's tush needs that much cushioning, buy it your damn self instead of stealing my information to do it. I might feel bad if it was, say, food, but this? The shipping address was somewhere in Holmen, WI, where, incidentally, our best man is from.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

But, I noticed it 4 days later (2 business days), so take this, fuckers - I cancelled my credit cards and called the store, and your precious car seat was intercepted in transit and is on it's way back to the store! HAH!!

grrr.

Anyways, the good news is that D and I finally bought a bed frame!! Neither of us has had one since we moved out of our respective parent's houses after college, mostly because we can't agree on ANYTHING. Like, at all. Seriously.

But one went for sale on the classifieds here at work, and I liked it, and amazingly enough, he did too, so we snatched it up! We picked it up last night (using D's parent's jeep, since, oh BTW, he completely wrecked his red BMW in an auto accident a couple of weeks ago) and put it together, and it's BEAUTIFUL! I don't have pictures of it in our room, but these are the ones from the classifieds:

Isn't it great?

We're also working on painting some more rooms in the house, and I think we're going to have to call a landscaping company soon - one of the flower beds on the side of the garage is home to 6 foot tall (no joke) pricker plants that are life-threatening. I need to move the flowers and get that bed ripped up, along with a couple others.

And, of course, we need to entertain the in-laws tonight, and then for the next 5-6 weekends, I'm completely booked :P

Sleep To Dream

"I tell you how I feel, but you don’t care.
I say tell me the truth, but you don’t dare.
You say love is a hell you cannot bear.
And I say give me mine back and then go there - for all I care.

I have never been insulted in all my life.
I could swallow the seas to wash down all this pride.
First you run like a fool just to be at my side.
And now you run like a fool, but you just run to hide, and I can’t abide.

Don’t make it a big deal, don’t be so sensitive.
Were not playing a game anymore, you don’t have to be so defensive.
Don’t you plead me your case, don’t bother to explain.
Don’t even show me your face, cuz its a crying shame.
Just go back to the rock from under which you came.
Take the sorrow you gave and all the stakes you claim -
And don’t forget the blame.

I got my feet on the ground and I don’t go to sleep to dream.
You got this head in the clouds and you’re not at all what you seem.
This mind, this body, and this voice cannot be stifled by your deviant ways.
So don’t forget what I told you, don’t come around, I got my own hell to raise."

~Fiona Apple

Final count

Final count of pages - 11!

I had one on Sunday, but none on Monday (win!). I gladly gave the pager away this morning at 8am :)

Note

Quick note about the below post - 3 days is 72 hours, not 36. See? The pager is making me delirious!!
Oh, and I'm up to 10 pages now. Which means I've far surpassed any record ever held by my team.


Monday - 3 pages
Tuesday - 2 pages
Wednesday - 2 pages
Thursday - 1 page
Friday - NO PAGES!
Saturday - 2 pages
Sunday - none as of noon (!!!)
Monday - who knows?
Tuesday - hopefully none before 8am when I get to hand this damned thing off!!

Augh

I have the after-hours pager this week. In less than 3 days (less than 36 fucking hours people) I've had 8 pages.

I have 5 more days to go, and I'm already tied for the most pages someone on my team has ever gotten in one week.

*cries*

As Lovers Go

*sap alert*

If you had told me, 7 years ago, that I would find someone who I loved as much as I do my husband, I would have laughed at you.

But I do love D with all my heart. He tries to understand me and goes to counseling with me**.

"She said "I've gotta be honest,
You're wasting your time if you're fishing round here."
And I said "You must be mistaken,I'm not fooling, this feeling is real"
She said "You gotta be crazy,
What do you take me for? Some kind of easy mark?"
You've got wits, you've got looks,
You've got passion, but I swear that you've got me all wrong
I'll be true, I'll be useful,I'll be cavalier
I'll be yours my dear
And I'll belong to you
If you'll just let me through
This is easy as lovers go,
So don't complicate it by hesitating
And this is wonderful as loving goes
This is tailor-made, whats the sense in waiting?
And I said "I've gotta be honest
I've been waiting for you all my life"
For so long I thought I was asylum bound,
But just seeing you makes me think twice
And being with you here makes me sane,
I fear I'll go crazy if you leave my side
You've got wits,you've got looks, you've got passion
But are you brave enough to leave with me tonight?"
~Dashboard Confessional





**I recommend counseling for ANY couple.............our lady is AMAZING to the infinity power.

*end sap*

Rewards

So, I spent WAAAAAY too much money on jewelry at Lucia's soirée last night. But, I never really did reward myself for paying off the credit cards (YEY!) a couple months ago, so I'm over it.

We're saving the Cristal for when D gets his cards paid off :D

Spring

So, yes, spring is here. And yesterday, after getting back from D's parents house (where we have to spend every holiday plus some..........sigh) I got into major yard work mode. Nevermind that it was 6pm! It was warm! It was still light out for 2 1/2 hours! And so, spending 2 1/2 hours doing yard stuff was what D and I did.

He mowed the lawn, trimmed up the edges, helping me bag 4 bags of leaves and clean some stuff out of the garage. I took a rake and raked out all of the beds in the front, to get all the leaves and other gunk out of them. Of course, I have perennials in the beds, so they are all coming up and looking pretty, but the beds themselves looked pretty bad. Raking all the crap out really made them look 100% better, since now the plants are actually noticable :P

Of course, I still have a ton in the back to rake out, and plus I want to move some plants among beds, and then I have to till up one small bed for D's hops and some asparagus, and I also need to till up last year's veggie garden so I can get this one started.

I'm still sore from yesterday :P

So happy

Do you know what I'm eating right now?
A tomato.
And it's no generic, run-of-the-mill, mealy, mushy, ripe-only-in-color tomato that you get from the supermarket all winter long that tastes about the same as a vinyl carseat.
Oh no, this is a perfect, wonderful, worth-waiting for tomato that I bought at the west-side farmer's market this morning. And it makes me so happy :)

The Fear

"I want to be rich and I want lots of money
I don’t care about clever I don’t care about funny
I want loads of clothes and fuckloads of diamonds
I heard people die while they are trying to find them

I’ll take my clothes off and it will be shameless
‘Cuz everyone knows that’s how you get famous
I’ll look at the sun and I’ll look in the mirror
I’m on the right track yeah I’m on to a winner

Life’s about film stars and less about mothers
It’s all about fast cars and passing each other
But it doesn’t matter cause I’m packing plastic
and that’s what makes my life so fucking fantastic

And I am a weapon of massive consumption
and its not my fault it’s how I’m program to function
I’ll look at the sun and I’ll look in the mirror
I’m on the right track yeah I’m on to a winner

Forget about guns and forget ammunition
Cause I’m killing them all on my own little mission
Now I’m not a saint but I’m not a sinner
Now everything is cool as long as I’m getting thinner

I don’t know what’s right and what’s real anymore
I don’t know how I’m meant to feel anymore
When do you think it will all become clear
‘Cause I’m being taken over by the fear..."

~Lily Allen

Stupid Ego!

So, about the project that is scaring me out of my mind.........

I have to admit, that it's give my ego one good, big stroke. But then I heard that another customer may be doing a bigger upgrade later. Well WTF! I'm doing this amazing upgrade, who are these upstarts thinking that they're gonna try and upstage me??? So, I start thinking about upgrading my customer one more version, even though it's not necessarily recommended. Now THAT would be awesome, right?

So, my ego, much like the little devil on my shoulder, starts talking me into it. "I mean, c'mon....it can't be that hard sweets.......and you can't let these people upstage you like that! You're going first........damn, you'd be awesome! You're already doing this one baby. C'mon. Just one more honey. Let's do this!"

Well, when you put it that way.......

So, I talk to some release and server peeps. I think I never thought it'd be a go, truthfully. But, it turns out that the reasons we tell customers not to do this doesn't apply to my customer. And those people think that not only would it be doable - it's PREFERABLE.

Which just means more work for me and my team.

Argh! Stupid, stupid ego!!

Fashion Report

"Disco and kitch is out
Electro and glitch is in
Saving the planet is out
Being very rich is in again
Haute couture is out
Torture is very in
Glamour and Dior is out
Going to war is in again

Decadence is out
Ignorance is in
Self defense is out
Cause attack is back - its in again
Revolution is out
Air pollition is in
Evolution is out
And prostitution is in again

Passion is very out
Anti-fashion is in
Compassion is totally out
Cash is in, it's king again
The loving God is out
Jihad is very very in
Just to live and then die is out
To commit suicide is in again

Fashion report - Ahaaa
To know fashion is a sport you gotta be smart
Fashion report - Ahaaa
To know fashion is an important art"
~PAY TV

I am abso-fucking-lutely terrified

So, at work I do tech support for a particular piece of the software for some customers. For one customer in particular, I'm also the lead of the whole the group of tech people who support to rest of the pieces.

This customer hasn't upgraded their software since 2001. They've decided to upgrade.

No one else has ever upgraded a customer this far before.

*gulp*

Ok, so this is good right? I get to lead a team of people and take the brunt of the work on something that has never been done before. We're getting said customer up to a more recent version, and that's good too. Ok. So I can do this. I can see the silver lining. I can do this. Hopefully.

I have just gotten ok with this responsibility - it could go really badly. But it could go really well and give me that cachet of doing something (well) that hasn't been done before. Ok. So I'm good.

But now, this customer just decided, just 2 1/2 months out, that they're not going to do their pieces of it. They're going to just pay the extra money and have us do it. So now - all of the people that I lead have to do twice as much work. That means I really need to motivate them and really keep them focused. Have I mentioned that I have shitty people skills, and don't really do well with that?

I also now get to do three times as much work, and I now have the entire responsibility for this on my shoulders.

Ok, so now I'm terrified. I'm still trying to see the silver lining, but it's just not coming.

*sigh*

Master bathroom!

So, this was our master bathroom. I don't have a picture of the bathroom before we took most of the wallpaper down, but it was BAD. Imagine *every* single painted surface of this bathroom covered in yellowing wallpaper that had tiny blue, pink and green flowers on it - it was so 70's-tastic, and not in the good way (you can see scraps of wallpaper in some of the photos below). We had a huge old-person toilet (tall and long), old people handle bars on the walls, and no decent towel hangers. In addition, the shower curtain was boring, the puffy valance on top of the window was light pink and the walls were in pretty bad shape once we took the wallpaper off.

After! We got all the wallpaper off and had the walls repainted white, got a new valance, new hardware, a new shower curtain, and a water-saver toilet (thank you City of Madison for the $100 rebate!). *All* this was less than $200 in parts, the labor (we had someone take off the rest of the wallpaper and paint the walls for us) was about $400. I decided to do a white, chocolate brown and light blue color scheme:

I now absolutely *adore* this bathroom! :)

Missing

At the risk of sounding like one of these people, I miss D. He was gone M-F last week and this week too, and even though I was also gone M-W of both weeks, I sincerely miss having him around.
*sigh*

Sober

"I don't wanna be the girl who laughs the loudest
Or the girl who never wants to be alone
I don't wanna be that call at four o'clock in the morning
'Cause I'm the only one you know in the world that won't be home
Aahh, the sun is blinding
I stayed up again
Oohh, I am finding
That's not the way I want my story to end
I don't wanna be the girl who has to fill the silence...
The quiet scares me 'cause it screams the truth
Please don't tell me that we had that conversation
I won't remember, save your breath, 'cause what's the use?
Aahh, the night is calling
And it whispers to me softly, "come and play"
Aahh, I am falling
And if I let myself go, I'm the only one to blame
When it's good, then it's good, it's so good, 'till it goes bad
Till you're trying to find the you that you once had
I have heard myself cry 'Never again'
Broken down in agony just trying to find a friend
I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're my protection
But how do I feel this good sober?
How do I feel this good sober?"
~Pink

Lucky

"laughing through the day
thinking you are never boring
speeding through the night
maybe you'll not count the morning

living for today
but you just can't find tomorrow
talking 'bout the joy
but it never stops the sorrow

even though you said
it would never end it's over
you were smiling on my arm
now you're crying on my shoulder

you can never be forever
good together
young and clever
you can never be forever
but keep it up
don't ever stop
through night and day
the words to say are:

I'm so lucky lucky
I'm so lucky lucky
I'm so lovely lovely
I'm so lovely lovely

you can fool yourself
i promise it will help
now every single day
i just wanna hear you saying

I'm so lucky lucky
I'm so lucky lucky
I'm so lovely lovely
I'm so lovely lovely

you can fool yourself
i promise it will help
now every single day
i just wanna hear you saying"

~Lucky Twice

Outta My Head

"What?
Is that all you got to say?
What? What?
You're rubbing me the wrong way
See your lips moving
But I don't catch a word you say
Shut up your chatter
I need for you to go away
What?
You looking at me for huh?
Show me
Respect or I will show you the door
Get out the door
Lately
I've got a problem with the way that you behave
You're too much
And all your questions don't leave me no time for me
All your opinions keep them to yourself
Just let me think so I can hear myself
Wouldn't it be nice if I could just go solo, take the day off?
I'd be alright if you would leave me to it, back the fuck off
You tell me one more time how I should live
I swear I'll bite your head off
I am who I am and I can't be no one else
You got nothing left to say
Keep your comments to yourself
And all I hear is ay ya ya ya ya
You're talking way too much
I can't even hear me now
All your noise is messing with my head
Get outta my head"
~Ashlee Simpson

Updates to the house

So, in the past 9 months or so, D and I have done a lot of changes and updates to the house. Right now our main focus is the master bathroom - pictures of that to come after we're all done.

We did get a shiny new shower handle though, which is super nice, because the old one was falling apart and old and gunky and just generally not nice.

Other changes:

Living room before, w/boring walls and lace on the windows:

Living room after:

Kitchen w/spastic wallpaper everywhere:

Kitchen newly repainted:

Dining room before w/plain walls, gold chandelier, and old patio door:

Dining room, repainted, new patio door, and new chandelier:

New guest bathroom, with wallpaper border taken down and painted a nice light green:

I'm super psyched about the master bath - bound to be the best change yet! Stay tuned :)

Reflecting

With articles like this, it makes me so grateful that I'm in a relatively stable, well-paying job.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090127/ap_on_bi_ge/consumer_confidence

New dishwasher!

So, the old dishwasher wasn't doing too well on the whole "washing" front. Having gotten tired of having to handwash everything, I dragged D out to Sears (he hates spending money...........) the day after Christmas to see what deals they had on dishwashers. I had two specific things that I wanted, and the rest was negotiable. One of them - a display that tells you how much time is left in the cycle. I like having those little numbers! But alas, almost no dishwashwer has them anymore. We found only one dishwasher that had both things I wanted (the display, plus I wanted a disposal in the dishwasher, not the filters that you have to clean every so often.........yucky). So, at least the decision on which one to buy was easy!

It's a maytag bright white tall tub dishwasher, and a guy came to swap out the old one and put in the new one on January 2nd. It felt like it took FOREVER to fill up that dishwasher the first time (OMG it's huge), and then when it was full we ran it.

BEAUTIFUL!

I had forgotten what clean dishes looked like. Yey!

Though, my 70's bakelite utensils shouldn't go in the dishwasher (I handwash those). And D's mother bought us a whole set of super swanky pots and pans for Christmas - so it's not like we can put those in the dishwasher either :P