Christmas

And it's time for another post that my family doesn't know about. 
I MAKE Christmas for my family.  Ever since I left.  My Mom is blind as fuck and my Dad and brother don't do Christmas shopping (though I will say I got the greatest gifts from my brother for my 30th birthday).  Grandma is slipping into old age and so it's always been up to me that they have gifts to actually open.  I'm not going to fault any of them for this at all, but it doesn't make it any easier.  Each year is a scramble to find SOMETHING that they'll like, times 10, and wrap and package the gifts and send them off, so each one of them has something to open that won't take 10 minutes to do.  Every single year.  This year I'm on sabbatical so I told myself I'd get all shopping done by the end of Nov.  I'm doing it, but goddamn.  The pressure is enormous every year. 
If I talked to them about it, they'd say Oh, don't worry about it.  But I do.  I want to make sure that every Christmas where I can't be there is perfect.  So here's another season where I'm trying to do this again, and it's not easy.
I suppose this is a total #firstworldproblems post and it is.  But it's also about giving your family a good Christmas with gifts to unwrap every year.  I will do the best I can.  But it's still hard. 

Kitty Genovese

Are we turning into a nation that has forgotten the Kitty Genovese Murder?  Or are the people that I work with too young to remember that horrific event?

Yesterday, there was a medical emergency involving a co-worker.  And as an empath, and as the only female who jumped in, I was the only one who started to organize the few people who actually didn't stand back in their office or close the door to: you watch the guy and get him to sit/calm down, you call our emergency-guru, you call 911, etc. 

The ONLY PERSON. 

We found out, once the paramedics came and his TL joined the fracas that he has epilepsy and his inability to walk or talk (he seriously just could not) was probably due to a seizure.  And while some people looked on at the stumbling and collapsing and inability speak anything other than gibberish, I was apparently the only person who knew this poor kid needed help and started delegating tasks. 

Really?

If someone needs help, help them.  This is not a difficult choice. 

And no, if you ask, I will not reveal his name.  This person has already experienced such a gross invasion of privacy that it's not right of me to do so. 

Guns and violence

I'm so tired of all the crap happening in our world today.
I'm tired of people thinking that Repubs have the right idea. 
I'm tired of people dying by guns that completly sensible reform could have prevented.  I know it won't prevent everything.  But it will at least HELP. 
I'm so tired of feeling guilty that I had an abortion.  If you wanted that child to be born then you should have stepped up, but Repubs don't.  They oppose almost all pulic assistance programs, which I would have had to go on, and I wouldn't have finished college.  So FUCK YOU. 
I'm tired of feeling guilty that I have a goddamn uterus.  If men had the ability to get pregnant, there would be drive-through clincs all through the US and Roe vs Wade would never have been a problem. 
I'm tired of feeling ashamed of my sexuality.  If I'm straight, then who cares?  And if I'm gay, I'm trying to advance the "gay agenda" which is nothing more than to be able to have a goddamn family. 
If I believe in gun control, I'm a stupid liberal.  Well you know what?  If someone invades my home I'm gonna come at that asshole gun or not, and he's gonna regret the day he was born.  Dodge, you morons.  Or just work through the pain.  Or is it just Democrats who have learned to live and go on through the pain?
So, to anyone who votes Repub......I just don't know.  You've either been brainwashed or you're just plain stupid.  Try looking at the facts for once.  Then talk to me. 

Pain

I went to post something here.  But i realized that I can't.  I hate this. 

Pets are not possessions

I've been involved with many pet shelters over the years and it is just horrifying how people treat pets.  They are not "things" - they are thinking, loving, living beings who deserve every bit of love and attention that a child does.  Pets are not an impuse buy.  If you make the decision to take in a shelter (or any) pet - which I belive that everyone should do - you need to understand that you are taking on a major responsibility.  They are not perfect - and neither are we.  Try to work with them, understand them, give them love.  See them as a being that is just as deserving of love and understanding as you are.  But don't get a pet unless you are willing to put their needs above yours sometimes.  Because that's what love is.  And it translates to the human world as well.  If you think that pets are disposable things, then other people will treat you accordingly. 

Apology

I didn't know anyone still looked at this, and I apologize to those that did.  I didn't meant to alarm anyone with my last post.  I've been under a ton of stress with the cats lately, and I have been fighting the oncoming depression, as all know, and that coupled with the lack of sunlight (boo DST) set me off and I needed to get stuff out in a place that I thought was not read. 

tears

I will break down, crying, soon. But not yet. Not yet.

Vows

I never vowed that I would stay in a marriage where I'm treated like complete crap. So fuck you and your so-called-vows. I mean, really. WTF is wrong with you?

Lust

Lusting after someone that I can't have isn't something I'm used to :(

It's hard to live up to this blog name right now

I managed to get down a bit of fried rice last night. That's all I've eaten since Wednesday afternoon. I tried coffee this morning, but Damon had to pull over the car later so I could throw up all over the sidewalk.

I can't wear contacts anymore. I gave up last night. My eyes burn so badly from the so many, many tears I've shed.

I can't sleep without dreaming of my poor, poor, kitty cat.

I can't do this.

We came home from vacation Wednesday night to find him in distress and immediately rushed him to the ER vet. They kept him until Friday morning, when he was transferred to the ICU at the UW vet hospital. He has HCM, which at this point, since he's in severe heart failure, is lethal.

My poor baby, who I've had for only five and a half short years, is dying as I type this. My sweetie, who kept me company when I was injured. My love, who wanted nothing more than to curl up with me at night. The light of my life, who always met me at the door and wanted to talk when I got home. My sweet, sweet kitty cat who always wanted to "help" me with work when I was working on the computer until late in the night. The one animal that loved me so unconditionally that he always adjusted wonderfully when we uprooted him to live in a new place (5 times by now). My dear who always wanted to go outside, but turned into such a scared little boy on the couple times he managed to do so.

My Sam, my poor, poor, sick, little boy, you are the best friend a girl could ever have. Please, fight. Please, give me just a few more days with you. I love you so much, and my heart is so totally broken right now.

Please. Just a little more time.

Victoria

"Don't know why Tori came by
I could see by the look in her eyes
Tori'd been driving around the town for awhile
Playing with the thought of leaving
Don't know why Tori just smiled
Mentioned something 'bout how you were right
Must have been hard to see through the tears she was hiding
Looked outside at the car in the drive
And the suitcase on the backseat inside
Sure it's so, she can't look out behind at the road
She said "I might not be seein him soon
I've got a few things I've been waiting to do"
Hey, Tori came by, Tori came by tonight
Hey, Tori came by, she says to say goodbye..."
~John Mayer

My Blog

Ahhh my blog. Where I can say anything and not be censored. Lovely.
I've been thinking about my title lately, "Never Give Up". It just mirrors so many times in my life.
When I attempted suicide, don't get me wrong - it wasn't a bid for attention, as I'm sure my friends in the hospital waiting room will attest to. It was the real thing.
Since I was saved (and with no noticeable side affects, despite the doctor's first prognosis that I wouldn't live, and if I did, I'd likely be paralyzed from the waist down) I have since adopted this mantra of "Never Give Up". It's so important to me.
Because if had, I would have missed all the wonderfulness (and pain) that has happened since then. Just gotta keep believing.

Single

I found this article on "single living" but it really applies to everyone, attached or not, so I thought I'd share it:
http://www.care2.com/greenliving/12-tips-for-single-living.html

Very good ideas.

Yey!

The parental units are coming for a visit!

I think the last time my Mom was here was the weekend after the attempt that hospitalized me. And even though my wonderful friend Loud and my wonderful husband D got me home in time to meet them, so they wouldn't have to see me in said hospital, it wasn't exactly a happy visit.

My Dad then came after the car accident that also landed me in the hospital, but this time I couldn't escape for 5 days, so he had to come to the hospital to see me. Here's me, black eyes, cuts and all, waving hi to my Mom while my Dad took this picture:

My Dad also came one other weekend before the wedding to see the house that D and I had bought, and he also brought wine from the vineyards where we had our wedding so that we could taste them to decide what we wanted to serve.

So, while he's been here under times other than under duress, I want my mom to "see" (she's pretty much blind, those who where at the wedding know) how we've been doing, and I've convinced them to come the weekend of Nov 7th.

Yey! I'm so happy :)

Xoe

"They Came From Her Fragile Side
With Imaginary Knives
And A Missing Moment Waiting
For The Next Completed Line

She Died From Lack Of Sleep
And A Case Of Missing Dreams
From A Picture Perfect Wedding
With A Few Deleted Scenes

It's Hard To Watch You Make Believe
That Normal Is Happy
And Everything Else
Should Never Be Seen
Memories That Live Won't Leave

She Thought Of A Thousand Times
When She Could Have Said Goodbye
But The Leaves Were Always Changing
And Her Fall Was Braced Inside

In Her Place There's A Note That Reads
Not The Girl That You Thought I'd Be
And I'm Sorry To Leave Things Hanging
But Your Love Was Killing Me

It's Hard To Watch You Make Believe
That Normal Is Happy
And Everything Else
Should Never Be Seen
Memories That Live Won't Leave..."

~Unfinished Thought

Stranger

"Nobody believes me when I tell them that you're out of your mind.
Nobody believes me when I tell them that there's so much you hide.
You treat me like a queen when we go out,
wanna show everyone what our love's about.
All wrapped up in me whenever there is a crowd,
But when no ones around;

There's no kindness in your eyes,
The way you look at me, it's just not right.
I can tell whats going on this time,
Theres a stranger in my life.
You're not the person that I once knew.
Are you scared to let them know it's you?
If they could only see you like I do,
Then they would see a stranger too...

Did I ever do anything that was this cruel to you?
Did I ever make you wonder who was standing in the room?
You made yourself look perfect in every way,
So when this goes down, I'm the one that will be blamed.
Your plan is working so you can just walk away,
Baby your secret's safe.

Such a long way back, from this place that we are at.
When I think of all the time I've wasted, I could cry..."

~Hilary Duff

:(

Hurt

I saw a picture of my brother on facebook last week, of him all beat up. It was just his face, but it was all brused and cut up, one eye even swollen completely shut.
He says he doesn't know what happened - he had a concussion and couldn't remember anything, and that all the hospital staff knew was that he was found on the street and taken in my ambulence.
My god.
My little brother (ok, he's my twin, but he's 1 minute younger than me).
I've always been the protective sister, stepping up to dicks who wanted to beat him up or whatnot, so they'll step down (bullies always do if you stand up to them).
But he won't tell me what happened, and I can't believe he just fell down. I'm distraught. I've always protected him (much to his annoyance) and I can't do a single thing because he's 1500 miles away and won't tell me what happened.
It looks like it was one hell of a beating :(

What is "righteous" food?

So, I just finished reading Righteous Porkchop by Nicollette Hahn Niman. It's a really good look at the American meat (and subsequentially, food) system, and it's many flaws.
If you haven't read it, I recommend it. It's a bit dry, but once you get into it, it's pretty fascinating. I also recommend The Omnivore's Dilemma and In Defense of Food, both by Michael Pollan. And of course, Animal, Vegetable, Miracle by Barbara Kingsolver.
All books, together, offer a rather revealing look at how food in this country is produced, though be wary that every book has it's bias and you should probably read more than just one to get the full picture.
I can completely say that they have profoundly changed my life.
Though I suppose I should start from the beginning.
Let's go back to January, 2007. I had gotten into a horrific car crash, thanks to my genetic ability to consume ludicrous amount of alcohol and still walk and talk like a normal human being (BAC of .29, anyone?). I was stuck at home for over 2 months, recovering, and still have lasting injuries that will stay with for me for the rest of my life. During those torturous ten weeks, I mostly slept and went to physical therapy, and the many other hours were interspersed with times of complete rage at my condition and the hell that came along with it. I worked a couple of hours a day to pay for my company subsidised heath insurance and such, but couldn't do much else (can you imagine not even being able to shower or cook/eat without assistance?). So, I read a lot.
One of the books 11frogs gave me was the AMV book mentioned above. I really got into it. Come mid-summer, I'd read the book and wanted to start going to the farmer's market 5 min away from our house. Since I'm not the type to get up any earlier than noon on weekends, I decided that going before work on Wednesdays was a good compromise. I'd get up a bit earlier in the middle of the week, but would still have my weekends.
Since then, I haven't missed a market. Even when I was on home confinement for 3 horrid months, I got up early and my husband wore his blue-tooth cell phone earpiece to the market so he could talk to me while he went to get our groceries for the week. We could get almost everything - fruit, veggies, eggs, cheese, beef, pork and chicken. We began to know everyone there.
There's the hosta/onion/brandywine lady, the tomato lady, the egg and donut guy, the goat cheese and garlic/onion guy, the beef people, Dan (who sells us our duck, pork and chicken) and Farmer John (who sells cheese).
Over the past 2+ years, we've become regulars. We're there at the first market in April, through to the the last one in November, travel schedules permitting. We know people and we talk to them, and it's such a nice way to start a day. If one of us isn't there, the other one gets asked where the spouse is. It's such a wonderful thing, to feel that connected.
Last fall, we decided to buy meat in bulk to last us the winter. We bought a chest freezer (best investment EVER!) and purchased a 1/4 cow and 1/2 a hog from the farmer's market people - and I can sincerely say that this is the best beef and pork I've ever eaten. I mean, sure, we got 30+ lbs of ground beef, so it's been an extreme exercise in restraint and creativity to find ground beef recipes that aren't boring and to not default to just eating all the yummy steak cuts that we got. But everything is still good.
And yes, with the pork, I need to remember to take the pork out 2 days before we want to eat it - one day to defrost and one day to brine it in a salt, sugar and vinegar solution - but it's AMAZING when we do cook it. Seriously. It tastes like pork!
Over the summer, we've also purchased 15 whole chickens because we did miss the poultry side of life. They are currently also residing in our chest freezer (well, 12 of them are anyways :P).
Another fun thing about this is that, with the hog, we got like 6 lbs of lard. Since I do try to encourage healthy eating, we haven't tried "pork confit" just yet. Instead, during our month off of work in November (yey the staycation sabbatical!) we're going to try making soap! Yep, let the Fight Club jokes begin - it'll be an interesting experience.
Anyways, to anyone that is still buying meat at the supermarket - I urge you to rethink your decision. Yes, farmer's market meat is more expensive, but it's more flavorful and more nutritious, meaning you can actually reduce your portions without feeling deprived. And if you're worried about buying such large quantities and the cost, ask me. I'd be more than willing to go in on a share with you, and I promise, it's not as expensive as you think.

College love

Ok, so am I the only one who misses college love?
You know, the "I'll-only-sleep-with-you-a-few-times-then-never-see-you-but-it-sure-as-hell-ain't-complicated" fun? Maybe I shouldn't call it love, but fun. I mean, when did uncomplicated sex become not fun? At every party I went to, there was one guy who'd I pick as fun to sleep with. And I always had a "two-night stand" with said guy, a guy who'd I'd sleep with twice, because after 2 nights (not consecutive, blech) we'd find the other person boring and regular.
I mean, I did something dispicable (along those lines, though not completely) some months after my marriage, and my husband forgave me for it.
So am I addicted to the "rush" from those other guys? I was in a relationship when all my discretions in college happened, but the guys and I were safe and I've never suffered any consequences besides the ones I now think I might have brought on myself (loving doing such things with other guys).
I love my husband, don't get me wrong. But does anyone else miss the fun of new parties, new "one-night" friends, the fun of being with someone new and exciting every weekend? Or is it just me? Please let me know - I'm curious.

On A Good Day

"Little bit lost and...
A little bit lonely
Little bit cold here
A little bit feared

I'm a little bit hemmed in
A little bit isolated
A little bit hopeful
A little bit cold

But I hold on
And I
Feel strong
And I
Know that I can

Getting used to it
Lit the fuse to it
Like to know who I am

Been talking to myself forever, yeah
And how I wish I knew me better, yeah
Still sitting on a shelf and never
Never seen the sun shine brighter
And it feels like me
On a good day"
~Oceanlab