The person inside of me who I thought I'd banished. She's still here.
Alone today, I started reading through my book of essays/poems that I've kept for over a decade now. Most of the poems were about all the anguish and angst that I'd lived through, and reading it made me realize that that person, the angst-filled, unhappy girl who wanted to die never left.
I thought I'd gotten through it. I'm in a stable relationship with a person who is my best friend. I have my own job, my own place to live, my own life. I'd started really settling down. I'm making a ridiculous amount of money and not going out every weekend to drink and drown my sorrows.
But the truth of the matter is that she never gave up, she never left me, and she's still there, and I hate that part of me is still the suicidal wild child. And I hate that some days I morph back into that girl - that she still has to come out and make me miserable and prove that I'll never be truely ok.
"I hate what I have become to escape what I hated being"
~Marilyn Manson
"But the girl on car in the parking lot says
man you should try to take a shot
Cant you see my walls are crumbling?
Then she looks up at the building and says shes thinking of jumping
She says shes tired of life
She must be tired of something..."
~Counting Crows
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It never leaves. It never goes, and it never is "finished".
Demons. We all have them, we all know that deep in the recesses of our own minds there are things that "go bump in the night." Its not about banishing them, or making them finally subside, its about the incorporation of self.
Every new event adds. The things you think are life altering are only so because they shift your paradigm, they change your world in explicit ways. But they don't really change you, they (to describe it more accurately) incorporate into you.
And then these new things -- events, emotions, places, people, connections, revelations, and so forth -- they become part of the larger picture... the mosaic that is you. Because of this, we are human. We are who we are because of who we are. Cyclic, I know, but true (when looked at in correct context (metaphysical (maybe?))).
Anywho, what my long winded ramblings are getting at, is that its Ok to find the demons, and its Ok if you don't fully understand them. Its about not letting the demons get the better of you. Not letting them take over.
Muse. Stew. Lament even. But never let it get the best of you. Never feel that because these things are there that you are "broken"... mainly because everyone is "broken", some of us more than others, and the "less" broken people I find to be a lot less interesting.
I could go on and on about this. As you can tell, I've given it a lot of thought, and have elaborated on it, probably ad infinitum. So if you ever want more insight, you know who to ask ;-)
I'll give it a rest now... on to the next post!
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