Last few days of freedom

It's getting down to the wire, my last few days of being able to do whatever I want, when I want. I've been savoring every moment, but of course, that means I'm thinking about this all the time, which means I've been developing heartburn or an ulcer or something else that makes my stomach not happy. Add that to all the coffee I've been drinking (since I've had trouble sleeping too) and now chips don't even look appetizing, and I've lost 2 pounds in the past week.
Ugh.
I went to the scrapbook store and bought tons of stuff to start a wedding scrapbook. I have some books and will be going to Half Price Books on Saturday to stock up. I've been making a list of movies I want to see and made sure my TiVO is ready for when Grey's Anatomy and Desperate Housewives comes back on. I bought some super cute poker chips for game night and have lots of pictures to make light switch plates from. I've got a list of some new recipes I'd like to try my hand at. The fiancé and I packed up all our wine and scotch bottles that we were using as decorations and will be taking them up to Portage tomorrow.
So, I think I'm as ready as I'm ever going to be.
I am in that stage where I want this to be over with, but I also don't want it to happen. But seeing as how this is going to happen anyways, I guess I should just accept it and brace myself to get through it.
I think that a craft night is a great first activity. Come and do whatever you want - scrapbook, make decorations for PROM, knit, make lightswitch plates, cook (I consider that somewhat craft-like), hell, even paint or sculpt. Who's free the weekend of the 8th? :)

New favorite song

This song has been out for a while, but it's really good. It's called "Catalyst" by Anna Nalick. I think she's known for the song "Breathe (2am)" but this one is better and has been growing on me.

And also, you guys are great, thanks for the support. I bought lots of super cool pink and black poker chips so we can have poker nights. Gotta practice for the bachelorette party in Vegas, baby!

Freaking out

The reality of what is going to happen to me starting on Sunday is really starting to sink in, and I'm starting to freak out about it. The fiancé is going to be gone almost every weekend, and of course there's work trips, so I'm going to be alone and unable to go anywhere a lot during the next few months.
So, this is one of those times where I really need some help from my friends - craft nights, poker nights, movie nights, impromptu dinner partners, etc.
Or else I don't think I'll make it through this with my sanity intact. Picture Jack Nicholson in "The Shining".
Yeah, it's gonna be that bad.
*sigh*

Go back to your pathetic life

Yes, I know you're reading this, because you felt the need to IM me about it, after you'd left illogical and ignorant comments here that I was forced to delete (as I had said I would).
I don't even know who you are, and it'd be really great if you could crawl back under whatever rock it is you came out from under. You know my screen name, which is how you got to this site. You mention URI, so I suppose I met you there. Don't I regret that day. You seem to know the name of one person that I dated while in college, and that relationship has been dead for over 3 years. A very small thing - everyone who I was friends with at URI knew my name was "Jenn" not "Jen", which is what you called me. Your "source" in RI was also wrong about the number of DUIs, so you might want to check your story out before you go posting and sounding like a complete idiot.
Do you think I care that you lift weights or whatever probably made-up word you say you practice now? I don't even know who you are, and your name on Myspace, if it is your real name, rings no bell with me.
If I ever did meet you, you were obviously insignificant to me. And I was ok with that. So go take your insecure, psychotic self and leave me alone. You don't know me and you don't know my life, and I certainly don't need someone preaching at me - it really just gives me a headache.

Weather

It didn't rain for over a month before, and everything was brown. Now we've had heavy rain for something like over 2 weeks now. The grass is growing like gangbusters, and it's not drying out enough for us to mow it. The tomatoes are all splitting. But I am getting 4 more cucumbers from my dying plants, so that's nice.

Anyways, this post isn't totally about the weather. Since it's been so gloomy lately, I've found myself wanting to stay home and putter about. I was just driving to work this morning, thinking about how wonderful it would be to be able to stay home in my PJs with a pot of coffee, and relax. I could plan some more of the wedding, do some crafty stuff, clean up the house, cook all the food that I need to, etc.
Which, of course, isn't me at all. But all the rain and gloominess outside makes inside seem so much cozier, and I find that I very much want to be a homebody lately.

OMFG LOL

Funniest site that I've seen in a looooooooooooong time, courtesy of the fiancé:
http://icanhascheezburger.com/
You have to go check out the pics at a time when you can crack up out loud, because you will. It's really hard trying to hold it in while at work :P

One more thing

Oh yeah, and I finally sorta took Lucia's post to heart. I was pissy so I needed to find something to calm me down, so I decided to give my blog a little bit more personality. I have a new template and I actually put a picture up to remind me why I named this blog the way I did, and the sentiment behind it.
We all need those reminders some days.

Rant

Disclaimer: I'm in a VERY pissy mood right now. This post will therefore reflect said mood.


I'm overworked, overwhelmed, overtired, and overstressed. And it's all because of the stupid home confinement for 3 months that starts in about 2 weeks. It means I can't hang out with friends at any place beside my house. It means I can't drink a single drop of alcohol - and face it, I like a beer or two after a sucky day at work, or when I go out to eat. Oh, wait, I can't go out to eat. I have to eat at my house. But I can't go to the farmer's market or anywhere else to buy my food, the fiancé will have to. I can't go to starbucks on my way to work. I can't speed because they'll be monitoring me by the stupid ankle bracelet. I also have to wear the jail ID bracelet on my wrist. WTF? Why do I have to do that?? So I'd better get used to wearing my wristband so I can hide it. I can't go anywhere (to the bathroom, to meetings) at work or anywhere without my purse which will be carrying my pretty little transmitter. Because as if having to wear BOTH the jail ID wristband and the ankle bracelet weren't enough, I have to carry around a transmitter too. Again, WTF?? I have to be home at 6pm every weekday, and all day on weekends. I have to call the sheriff's office every day I don't go into work until 8:30am instead of 7am, because I have to be here at 7am on Fridays only. I have to call them to get approval to go to the dentist. My life will be call to say I'm not going into work until 8:30am, get a ride to work from my "approved" ride (aka the fiancé), working until 6pm, get a ride home - both ways, while going only the speed limit (who fucking obeys that anyways) because these people apparently have nothing better to do than stare at the little moving dot on the screen that is me, check out my speed, the road I'm on, and the speed limit on that road, and then call me and yell at me to slow down. Then I get to sit at home with nothing to do because I can't do anything, and no alcohol to at least pass the interminable, crushing time.
WTF??????????
I hate these people. I dealt with them while I was in jail for 3 days 3 years ago, and they all have what I like to call "small dick complex". As in, "my dick is so small that I must throw around my hefty weight (mostly from the midsection, might I add) and also my heavy metaphorical I'm-better-than-you-just-because-I-couldn't-cut-it-in-a-normal-college-degree-program-so-I-got-a-criminal-justice-degree-at-a-2-year-college weight to feel better about my lack of worthiness to live".
Yeah, bite me. If you're so much better than me, why do I make at least double what you make? Why am I smarter than you? Why do I not have to resort to being condemming to feel better about myself? And why did I take a job where I actually contribute to society, while you decided to take a position that has a one line description : "Act like a complete asshole - utterly disregard inmates as people - and make up for your lack of masculinity at the same time!"
Yeah, I did something stupid because my alcohol tolerance is GENETICALLY sky high. GENETICS people, nothing I had ANY control over. When most people's bodies would shut down at .277, I'm up, walking around, and getting into my car and driving home, while no one realizes how trashed I am. I don't even remember the last few hours at the bar that night, nevermind driving home or deciding to drive home. So yeah, smooth move. But I've paid for it a thousand times over at a level that none of those idiots could ever even BEGIN to understand. And now they want to throw the book at me and make me a prisioner in my own home with no alcohol for 3 months. You are not better than me. In fact, you are beneath me. And yet you still feel like you have the right to judge me.
Eat me, you waste of space.
Oh, and if any of you feel the need to comment on this and defend these half-brained assholes, don't waste your time. Unless you've spent time in the Dane County Jail as an inmate, you don't have a valid opinion that comes from experience and I *will* delete it.

Shifting interests

So, last night I went to a tasting held by NARAL Pro-Choice WI, and it seemed to include many of my recent interests:
1) Pro-choice activism
2) Getting out and trying new things
3) Local food (wine, beer, cheese and chocolate were offered and it was all local)
It was an interesting time - I don't regret going, but I don't know if I'd go in the future. I donate a lot of money, and maybe I'll start donating time too, we'll see.
Then this morning my fiancé asked me "Do you look forward to the weekend?"
Well, yeah. Duh. It's the weekend where I can sleep in and do fun things (like tear up the town, which I did with Ding last Saturday night, and which was a RIDICULOUS amount of fun). He confessed that he didn't - cuz there was all this stuff to do. We need to cook a large amount of food that we got at the farmer's market, clean the fish's tank, do tons of laundry, and we're going to the Sweet Corn Festival in Sun Prarie.
To me, that was a silly reason to not like the weekend, and it got me thinking.
Before the accident, I gave money to NARAL and Planned Parenthood, but I didn't go to any events or think about volunteering. I didn't go out as much and do many things with the girls and the group, and I did all my grocery shopping at Copps instead of taking advantage of the farmer's market.
The other morning, the fiancé said that he was impressed with me and my dedication to the Farmer's Market - we haven't missed a Wednesday since we started going (and I'm not known for getting up early if I don't have to). And I was talking to my mom the other week about the homemade mozzerella and the fact that we got all our veggies and meat and milk and eggs from local sources, and telling her about our garden on the deck, and the fact that we fed the fiancé's parents a HUGE 4 course meal, with 90% of stuff from the FM, and how cool it was, and she was like "Wow Jenn, you've really changed". And she meant it in a good way.
So yeah, my interests have shifted, and it's all because I can't wear high heels and because I realized how important friends are to have. I used to rely on being pretty to get attention and I had a killer pair of legs. Now I have a screwed up leg that barely works and scars on my face. I needed a new set of interests to go with my new life. Local food, activism and trying new things to broaden my horizons all seemed like interests that were bigger than me, and focusing on them helped get my mind off me, and all the things wrong with me.
Seriously, the fact that I can't wear high heels is the biggest blow to me emotionally. Silly, I know, but it really really really hurts.
So, instead of pushing people away, I'm trying to let them in. Instead of focusing on me, I'm trying to focus on the bigger picture.
It's a long journey, and it's hard, but I actually think it's paying off.

Drinking

Lots of posts about drinking lately, so I'm adding mine.
I can't drink from Sept 1 to Dec 2 (rough dates, and there's to be no alcohol or containers in the house). And it seems that people don't want to hold events at my house because they won't be able to bring alcohol in and drink. What does that say about us?

Quick note

No, you don't have to worry about anything. Today was an angsty day, but it will pass, as they all do, without any general interruption in the normal flow of things.
Thanks for the concern though, and sorry for the worry :)


PS - I just found the hyperlink button! Now I've learned how the others do the cool links in their posts. Sweet.

She's still here

The person inside of me who I thought I'd banished. She's still here.
Alone today, I started reading through my book of essays/poems that I've kept for over a decade now. Most of the poems were about all the anguish and angst that I'd lived through, and reading it made me realize that that person, the angst-filled, unhappy girl who wanted to die never left.
I thought I'd gotten through it. I'm in a stable relationship with a person who is my best friend. I have my own job, my own place to live, my own life. I'd started really settling down. I'm making a ridiculous amount of money and not going out every weekend to drink and drown my sorrows.
But the truth of the matter is that she never gave up, she never left me, and she's still there, and I hate that part of me is still the suicidal wild child. And I hate that some days I morph back into that girl - that she still has to come out and make me miserable and prove that I'll never be truely ok.

"I hate what I have become to escape what I hated being"
~Marilyn Manson

"But the girl on car in the parking lot says
man you should try to take a shot
Cant you see my walls are crumbling?
Then she looks up at the building and says shes thinking of jumping
She says shes tired of life
She must be tired of something..."
~Counting Crows

Concert on the Square

I attended my first COTS last night, as part of an event I organized for the team I'm on at work. It was really fun, but mostly because I got to leave work early to go lay outside on the capital lawn on a nice (if somewhat warm) day. And then I got to hang out with cool people from work and play a new card game and also get invited to the weekly games (always cool to get more things on the social calendar). The music was ok, but I just think that for me, the big bonus was sitting outside, meeting new people, and playing fun games.
It was the last one this year, so there are no more. Maybe next year I'll go with a smaller group and see how it is.

Cheese!!

Ok, so in one of my previous posts, where I was waxing all poetic about the wonders of Ms. Kingsolver's book Animal, Vegetable, Miracle, I mention that I was all fired up because I bought a kit to make my own mozzarella, but since then I haven't talked about it.
I kinda forgot and got all not fired up and I've been too busy.
But yesterday, the fiancé was coming home from spending 3 days in Vegas, and I was all excited to see him, and I had a bunch of tomatoes from the garden lining my kitchen window - so I stuck some chardonney in the fridge to chill and decided to make the cheese so we could eat a caprese salad when he got home.
Well, I tried to do it. It supposedly only takes 30 minutes. First off, let me tell you that it takes longer than 30 minutes. Though, if you don't screw up the first batch and have to wash everything, run out to the store to get ANOTHER gallon of milk, and then restart, it might take like 45 minutes to an hour. Took me over an hour and a half :P
I think I didn't dissolve the citric acid enough in the first batch, and then heated it too much, so it didn't hold together at all.
There's something wrong when your mozzarella looks like ricotta.
So, for the second batch, I was super diligent and careful. The curds will not be holding together after you heat the milk, but you have to try to scoop them out into a bowl and remove as much of the whey (liquid stuff) as you can. It took me like 15 minutes to just do that part.
Then you microwave, drain, knead, microwave, drain, knead, microwave, knead, stretch, microwave, stretch, shape - and then you drop it in ice water and you're done! It's when you microwave it that it starts to actually look like mozzarella. The ice water is key too. Gotta leave it in there for longer than 5 minutes (learned that one real quick).
So we dined on our most homemade meal to date - basil and tomatoes we'd grown along with mozzarella that I made and damn it was good! We drizzled some olive oil, balsamic vinegar and salt and pepper on it and I was so impressed with myself. It tasted almost like the store bought stuff, and I only ruined one batch before I got it right!
They also say that whey is pretty good plant food, so we strained it and dumped it on the plants in the hope that it will help them grow.
This weekend the fiancé's parents are coming down for dinner, so I think I will make fresh mozzarella since his mom always has to prove she can do stuff better than me - but she's never made her own cheese! HAH!
Yeah, it's petty, what can I say? It's the little things :P

Dress shopping

This weekend, Ding and Loud dragged me down to Verona to go wedding dress shopping. While there, I quickly realized how ignorant I am about wedding dresses. Apparently, you can get pretty much any dress altered in any way you want.
Seriously! And if you go somewhere like Vera's or David's, you try on sample dresses, decide which one you want, and then they send an order off and the dress is made just for you. It takes like 4 months!
The place we went to was sort of like a consignment shop where the dresses they had were the only dresses. I actually tried on 2 dresses, and amazingly, they both looked pretty good. I think I have a better idea of what I want now - simple white, with bright crayola-red accents. That would go with the whole red/white/black color scheme we're thinking about.
Though, standing in front of the mirror dressed in a wedding dress and veil was quite possibly the weirdest event of my life. It was like seeing someone else, and the fact that my brain kept trying to deal with the fact that the person in the mirror was actually ME left me emotionally and mentally exhausted.
I guess it's a good thing that I have such a long time to get used to it :)

Fun and not so fun

This weekend rocked. We went on a canoe trip down the WI River and camped out one night. The highlight was the 9am constitutional of shotgunning a beer each day before we started out. Of course, I was then drunk by noon on Saturday (earliest ever, amazing) and me and the fiancé went to bed by like 9pm or so. Everyone else was in bed by 10pm. I figure that we technically partied all day so I don't feel bad about retiring so early.
The next day was pretty funny since everyone had somehow missed some part of their back when applying sunscreen and we were all pretty red/white splotchy. I think that, all in all, the trip rocked (pictures to come) and was worth the ouchiness that I now go through every time I put on a bra.
On the not-so-fun note, this afternoon was the sentencing for the OWI in January. Part of the sentence I've mostly already done, and a lot of the parts I still have to do. I'm hoping to avoid jail time and am praying that since my foot still doesn't work we can get in a loophole and I'll be able to just do about 3 months of home confinement without actually being in jail (the last time I was in jail it was the suckiest time EVEREVEREVEREVER, and I'm not looking forward to repeating it). I'd be able to go to work and that's it, like last time, only way longer. I'm not sure what the alcohol policy is - if it's pretty lax, I'll be hosting a lot more events at my place between 9/1 and 12/1. License revoked for a year and then I can get an occupational (only drive to work and back at certain times or something I think), and I have to get an ignition interlock device installed on any car I own for the next 2 years until I can get my normal license back (36 month total suspension). But again we're hoping to do some shifting and get through a loophole to avoid the IID at least.
It means that Damon will have to drive for the wedding, but while I'm in RI for that I'm hoping to hit up the DMV in Pawtucket and pay them $100 to officially remove the first DUI from my record (since it's been over 5 years and I think that's the time limit).
Yes, it's basically bribery and it's legal. What do you expect from a mob-run state? But at least my insurance would probably go down a bit once that's off the record. I'll have to see if it's now more money than what I thought - I think the last time I heard about that was like 4 years ago now. Yey inflation.

Recent activities (and pics!)

Busy busy lately!

The 4th was spent at Lucia's house, drinking, eating, and then generally carousing at the Monona 4th of July Festival. The highlight of that, of course, was the wife carry. While no one in our group actually participated (that would involve serious training, people), the 2 engaged couples were forced to prove that they could, in fact, at least show proper form if need be:

Other pics that led up to this, and of M also being subjected to this (and almost wiping out!):

Awesome.

The weekend after that was spent shotgunning cheap beer, playing flippy cup and washers, sitting around a campfire, and otherwise partying an hour east of Madison at Roswell's parent's house.

We had healthy eating night at Ding's on that Tuesday, during which I promised to hold the next healthy eating night at my place - theme: French cooking. Get ideas ready ladies, I will be holding that sometime within in the next month.

Last weekend was the Second Annual Deep Fry Extravaganza. Oh fried foods, how do we love thee (just not for another week or so at least). But more about that on the WI Roaming blog :)

Wedding planning sucks

So, I got up early again yesterday (10:30am or so), because I again spent a large chunk of Saturday sleeping. I was trying to get in touch with the place back in Rhode Island where the fiancé and I were thinking of having the wedding.
Well, I finally get in touch with them and find out that because our wedding will be so tiny (12-15 people) we can't rent their outdoor on-the-beach patio. They won't rent for less than 60-70 people. Boo!!
So then we had to go online to try to find new venues and I called all of them and had to leave messages and such, and that took like over 2 hours. I swear to god, I hate this wedding planning stuff. I want to elope, but noooooooooo, the fiancé wants a wedding.
I haven't even really gotten down the nitty-gritty of it and I already want to give up. That's not good, is it? I'm thinking of pairing down the wedding party too, to just a few people, and just having it in my parent's backyard. It's pretty and we could rent a tent and such and just have a dinner/small reception there and then hang out. The fiancé likes that idea (it actually was his idea) and my Dad seemed ok with it, but as predicted, it gave my Mom a grade A first class heart attack, *sigh*.
Eloping is the key. Maybe Hawaii. Just me and the boy. No fancy-smancy wedding, just elope, honeymoon, reception.
Anyways, since that's not an option, I'm looking for ways to make this smaller/simpler/etc. I am, perhaps, the only person that I know that doesn't want people around when I get married. I'm fine with celebrating with people, but I want the actual ceremony to be private. I can't be the only bride-to-be who's thought that, and yet, every venue we looked at yesterday were all for like 150-400 guests. Who has that many friends and relatives that they want to invite to their wedding???

Food!

No time for posting lately, wow. I should be better about this.
So, anyways, one Saturday morning last summer, I woke up at 7am and my right wrist and hand hurt REALLY BADLY. So badly that I took asprin (which I rarely do out of principle), wrapped it in an ace bandage, and had the fiancé drive me to urgent care when it opened at 8am.
On a Saturday.
They told me it wasn't broken and just badly bruised - let me just say I have NO idea how it happened but I have been known to sleepwalk when stressed. Perhaps I got into a tussle with the boogyman or something.
Anyways, I was up, it was 9am on a sunny Saturday morning, we were on the beltline - so I thought hell, why don't we go to the Farmer's Market downtown for the first time?
So we did, and spent oodles of money on yummy food.
This year there haven't been any bruised body parts to wake me up early on Saturday, and so we haven't gone to the market since then.
But Witty lent me her book, "Animal, Vegetable, Miracle" and reading it has totally changed my opinion on food and such. You need to read this book - I'm only halfway through and can't wait to see what else is in there!
1) The fiancé and I hit up the Hilldale market before work last Wednesday and we will continue to do so all summer on a weekly basis. We hope to buy ~75% of our food there instead of from the grocery store (at least in the summer).
2) Most wine/beer that I buy will now be Wollersheim or New Glarus - both this and #1 are to promote small, local businesses and reduce the shipping costs of food.
3) I ordered a kit to make your own mozzerella and hope to ease off my dependence of store-bought cheese (and if it works, this summer I'll have home-made mozzerella with tomatoes and basil grown on my own deck............heaven!).
4) For food bought at the grocery store, we will try to buy local/organic/etc.
I'm beginning to learn a lot more about sustainable living, and it all makes sense. I don't think I could do what Barbara Kingsolver did - eat only things that were produced near them - because I love things like fruit in the winter, I could never kill my own meat, and I don't know much about canning/preserving. Plus I just don't have time to maintain a whole garden and menagerie of animals.
However, there is a lot the average person can do without much effort to really change the way they eat and live to make this world a better place for small farms - who make the best food anyways.
I'm trying to get the fiancé on board. I think he is about halfway. I'll have to work harder to get him to explore this with me.
On another totally unrelated note, I FINALLY (pretty much) finished my scrapbook of the 10 day cruise that we took last October. It's really huge and I only have about 30 more minutes of work to do on it after I get what I need from the store - so yey!

Big weekend, at least mentally

This weekend was Fat Far, an event that occurs every year on Father's Day up in Chippewa Falls and consists of lots of people renting inner tubes and floating down a lazy river tied to their friends and coolers of beer.
So, for the second year in a row, 6 of us went up there and did this (this year we took 3 coolers of beer instead of 2 - never let it be said that we don't learn from our mistakes). We spent 2-3 hours floating and drinking and talking, which was fun all in all. Since I've found that I hate getting drunk when everyone else around me is drunk (Halloween on State Street, anyone?) I didn't drink much, which proved to be the best decision ever. Here's why:
1) I didn't wear my ankle brace - the river would have gotten it nasty (the river is DIRTY) and plus tan lines (or in my case, burn lines, sigh) suck
2) We floated by a large outcropping of rock that people were jumping off of because the river dropped off dramatically right off of it, so you could jump about 20 feet into the water
Well, if you know me, you know that's something I would have participated in in a heartbeat before the accident. I was more hestitant this time, espeically since I was sans brace, but after about 2 seconds I decided "Fuck it, I wanna *do* this kinda thing again" and so I scrambled off my inner tube, swam to the side of the river with 2 of the other guys, managed to clamber up the steep, rocky side with only minimal help, and then, with my friends screaming my name, finally jumped.
It was awesome.
It was the most liberating thing I've done in a long time.
Ok, sure, it's nothing like the 6 hours of cleaning I did last weekend. But I still feel like I accomplished more this weekend than I have in a while.

OMG first time for everything

So I slept pretty much all day Saturday since the fiancé was visiting a friend, and then on Sunday I actually got up before 9am (!!!!).
I fed the pets and then made coffee and cleaned, did the laundry, organized, did 2 loads of dishes, made a grocery list, cooked, and threw out so much stuff. It was great! The house looks amazing, but of course all of that took me like a full 6 hours to do and 4 cups of coffee (I was uber-caffeinated).
We even moved the small TV out of the living room, and cleaned off and put away the card table, and took the pillow off the easy chair. I put the walker and crutches away in the hall closet. Those were the last things hanging around as a reminder of the accident (except for my foot of course) and it was pretty damn refreshing to get those things put away.
This sort of thing happens once every 5 years or so, so I was freaking impressed with myself. I went through a bunch of drawers and chests and closets, and found a lot of remnents of my past, which I wanted to get rid of. I made a pile of stuff from an ex (shirts, childhood stuffed animal, class ring, etc) and will be mailing that stuff back to him. I threw away lots of old tickets and papers from past failed relationships. I just want to start over, move on from everything that went on in RI and from the accident this past January.
Maybe it's the spring cleaning bug that bit me, but I feel this need to just get EVERYTHING out of the house. I want to get down to the bare essentials and not get so bogged down with "stuff".
Though I want to hire a maid to come in monthly to just do the major stuff that I don't have the time to do - scrubbing the floors and dusting being the main things.
It'll be nice to come home for the next week while things are organized and clean. Which, of course, probably won't happen for another 5 years or so ;)

You'd think I'd be able to figure this out

This whole blogging thing confuses me. I have yet to understand how in the &#^@ to put up pictures. I shall have to bother one of the other girls sometime when we're both around a computer.
I also haven't spend much time trying to customize this blog, nor have I found out how to embed links into my posts. I'm probably thinking about it too much.
Suffice it to say, I hope to make this blog a bit more exciting once I have time.
I've been too busy. I spent the last Saturday in May recovering from a hangover induced by the terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day on the Friday before. Then the Madison Marathon was on Sunday so I had to go see the fiancé finish his very first half-marathon, then go to his parents house *yippee*. Monday was a holiday but I spent it freaking out about what to wear at a customer site since I was flying out that afternoon. Nothing fits anymore since I lost so much damn weight from the accident, and since I can't wear high heels, that severly limits what shoes I can wear. All in all I think I ended up dressed decently. Though I did end up wearing sneakers on Thursday with my dress clothes. Oh well.
Friday night I don't think I did much, as I was tired, and Saturday night was spent celebrating Loud's birthday, which was much fun.
This week is more work and hopefully a relaxing weekend, then the week after that I'm traveling again.
Things have gotten a tad bit better at work, but I still feel like I'm trying to talk but no one is listening, which is quite frustrating. But I *heart* the paycheck.

When is ok to give up?

So, the name of this blog is Never Give Up, started last Friday because work was bad.
And I don't mean bad, as in man, I'm glad that day is over. I'm not talking about bad as wow, I would give my left arm to not have to go through that again. I wouldn't even say that it was I'll give up my first born to erase that day from my memory bad.
No, it was the first-seeds-of-doubt-that-this-isn't-right-anymore bad.
This job is the whole reason why I came to WI right out of college (well, that and to escape RI, but that's a whole other chapter). So for as long as I've been here, my life has been pretty much defined by work. Who I'm friends with, where I live, where I shop, what doctors I see,how I view different things now, even who my fiance is has all been influenced by work. Which, until now, has been fine. Things were hectic, but that's what I live for. That's my caffiene. That's how I get things done.
But on Friday, in the space of 1/2 an hour, things went from hectic-but-doable to holy-christ-run-away bad - and that's exactly what I did. I ran home at 4pm because I couldn't face work for one more minute.
Now, this week I'm traveling to a customer site, so I'm not in the office, which is the exact place that I DO NOT want to be at this time (so I guess that part works out). And having most of the weekend off (but having to travel on Memorial Day, yey) and then having this week out here in beautiful VA is helping me gain perspective, but it's not the perspective I want.
Friday really blew me away. Its the first time in 3 1/2 years that I've doubted my decision to come out here and do this. Work has blown away my confidence in all areas of my life, since so many areas depend on it and how I define myself in a large way comes from it. It's stopped being fun or even challenging - it's become something that I dread more than I dread sawing off my own leg with a hack saw.
So I don't want to give up - but I don't want to be completely miserable because of this hated bullshit that makes me want to puke every time I even think about it. So that begs the question - when is it ok to give up?

Trying it out

I thought I'd try this whole blogging thing so you can know what's going on in my life.

Aren't you excited??