What Will Be, Will Be

"Heard you calling
From high above
The sweetest voice was saying
that we could learn to love
Each other and be as one
When we start believing
Our journey as begun
Join with me
Set your spirit free
You'll find your destiny
Stay with me
What will be will be
We'll find our destiny"
~Divine Inspiration

Anthem

"Lately I've been feeling the same
I've being losing hope, resisting the pain
It's cold outside, I wish it were clearer
Sometimes it's just easier to turn around then look in the mirror
Sometimes when I go to sleep
My life spins out in front of me
Like a hurricane, a bottle of wine
Sometimes it's easier to let something else control your life
This is an anthem for the girl that got away
This is an anthem for the war of yesterday
This is an anthem for the rebel of my youth
This is an anthem for the risk of loving you"
~Filo & Peri feat. Eric Lumiere

Be Mine

"It's a good thing tears never show in the pouring rain
As if a good thing ever could make up for all the pain
There'll be no last chance to promise to never mess it up again
Just the sweet pain of watching your back as you walk
As I'm watching you walk away
And now you're gone, there's like an echo in my head
And I remember every word you said
It's a cruel thing you'll never know all the ways I tried
It's a hard thing, faking a smile when I feel like I'm falling apart inside
There's a moment to seize everytime that we meet
But you always keep passing me by
But you never were, and you never will be mine
No, you never were, and you never will be mine."
~Robyn

Didn't make it to dress shopping last weekend.....

Because my tonsils are trying to kill me.
Seriously.
I went out with some work people Friday night, and was fine, and got bed around midnight or so, so that I'd be rested for dress shopping on Saturday. But when I woke up at 9am, my head was all congested and my tonsils were swollen to what felt like 3 times their size.
I was a slug all weekend, laid around and napped and ate lots of soup and popsicles, and I *still* feel like crap. Ugh.

Gr.

That is all.

Rephrase

Ok, let me clarify what I meant in my previous post about wedding dress shopping – I was not miserable, I was TERRIFIED. I felt like I was in way over my head. There was lots of activity. Lots of floofy white dresses that made me look utterly horrible.
Keep in mind that I never thought I’d be having a wedding as big as the one I’m having, which I know, is not big by anyone’s standards but mine. I’m not used to all this girly dress stuff – I’m a tomboy and I am comfortable in jeans and a t-shirt, NOT in a tight white fancy dress.
Plus it seemed like all the dresses that were picked out were not what I had in mind, but I don’t KNOW what I have in mind, so what can I say?
I was just very confused and flustered and completely out of my element. But I’m hoping it gets easier the more I do it.

The Sound of Goodbye

"Every face I see is cold as ice
Everything I touch is pale
Ever since I lost imagination...
Like a stream that flows into the sea
I am lost for all eternity
Ever since you took your love away from me
Sometimes the sound of goodbye
Is louder than any drumbeat
Sometimes
The sound of goodbye......"
~Perpetuous Dreamer

"Girl's" poker night

So, I needed some relief from the hecticness all lately, and a night free of testosterone seemed like just the ticket, so I got the girls together for a girl's name night last Friday.
We played poker, drank beer, ate pizza and wings, and played a drinking game called "What the F*ck", which is COMPLETELY guy-centric.
So much for the girl's night. But it was tons of fun :)

Then on Saturday morning we went bridal gown shopping.
UGH!
I really thought that it would not be that terrible of a process, and I was so wrong. I didn't like any of the gowns or bridemaids dresses enough to really consider any of them. Towards the end of 2 hours in that place and I wanted to buy something just so I wouldn't have to go through that again.
Think about it - first, I'm ridiculously nervous because I'm way out of my depth and there were so many people there! Then you get to wear disgustingly tight "undergarments" (really, I think they're that tight so that when you can't breath you get lightheaded and agree to a dress just so you can get out of them) and need at least one other person in the dressing room with you to help you put on silly, fancy-pants, floofy dresses that weigh 100 pounds and don't flatter ANYONE'S figure. Then you get to prance around on a pedistal in front of everyone and about 3 million mirrors, and of course the one dress that I like is floaty and plain and the ones that everyone else likes is tight and fancy.
We had a late lunch after that, and I promptly went home and burst out crying to my poor, confused fiancé, who only wanted to whisk me away for a romantic night for my birthday.
And I get to do it next weekend too.
*sigh*

The couple that does kegstands together, stays together

That's how the old saying goes, right?

Disco Friends

"She's got a whole lot of disco friends
Disco ladies and gentlemen
Eating their faces from the inside out
Freaky dancing till the late AM
Music slipping down the walls of sweat
She's catching fishies in a disco net
Throwing kisses in the powder room
Slowly sucking on a cigarette
She knows an awful lot of disco kids
Novelty sunglasses and mullet wigs
She says she wants to be a stylist
Or maybe something in the music biz
Daddy's rich, Mommy's beautiful
They always said she'd be a top model
But now she's hiding out in disco land
A happy clappy trust experience
Disco friends..."
~Just Jack

Quote

There is a quote that I keep taped to my computer monitor to help me keep a sense of humor and my sanity on stressful days. Today it seems especially appropriate.

"I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once."
~Jennifer Unlimited (writer)

Work

I have been up almost all night for work because one of my customers did something bad to the system yesterday afternoon and I've been helping them clean it up. And we're not done yet.
Tired kitty is sleepy :(

It's a New Year

We rang in 2008 by partying at Wintergypsy's house until 4am - good times. And I was ok to drive home, which was pretty freaking cool - no drunken escapades for me, and I'm suprisingly ok with it. I met some really fun people and had a great time doing some new things (walnut wish boats, anyone?).
I was too busy having fun to take pictures, so here are a few highlights from Loud.

How our night started out:

Casting our wishes on unstable, flaming nut boats:

The artistic photograph:

No party is complete without J-E-L-L-O:

The completely un-boobalicious club:

The fiancé appreciated that picture:

C'mon people - it's the Veuve:

Towards the end of the night:

I love the holidays :)

Hey Mom, look what I made!

Check out what we got to make during the stained glass workshop on Thursday night:

It's not very big, and it looks like a 7 year old made it, but I'm pretty proud of it. And I signed up for the 4 week workshop next month! Whee!

Gala + Time = party

After most people leave, we get to party hardcore with the people left, just like we used to do :)

On a side note, I just had a really tough meeting at work where I had to fight tooth and nail to get what I needed, and now I'm so exhausted. I can't wait for the stained glass workshop tonight. I think it'll be just the thing to take my mind off this.

And on a side side note, girl's game night, my place, either the 18th or 19th of January. And you're free to crash in the guest bedroom if need be.

Christmas time of year

Christmas was great this year. We had Monday evening and all of Tuesday off, so D and I also took Monday morning off so we could have a 4 day weekend. We also did that this coming weekend for the New Year, so I can't wait.
I got an email from my parents and brother about the presents I sent. It cost $110 to send everything in time for Christmas Eve, but it was worth it. They loved everything and I hope it made things a bit brighter.
We opened presents at our house on Christmas Eve also, and D got me great stuff, per usual, even thought we had put limits on our spending. I'm listening to a Just Jack CD right now that he found, got some great balsamic vinegar in the fridge, we watched Ratatouille on DVD......and there's other presents that I won't be telling you about ;)
We headed up to his parent's house on Christmas Day for dinner and presents - and brought an apple pie that we baked the night before (it actually turned out well!). We loaded the trunk of the Saab up with tons of presents (how we accumulated so many, I don't know) and I think the parents were very happy with what they got. I was happy too - they got me new Crazy Daisy dishes from ebay, kitchen linens and utensils to go with it, and even a Mutts sleep set made from organic cotton! And a fleece jacket direct from Saab with a cool, unobtrusive Saab logo. I'm so fancy :P
The fiancé got lots of clothes that he didn't like, but which I'm sure will make lots of more unfortunate people happy when we hit up goodwill. And of course he has presents from my family which haven't gotten here yet (cuz I'm a slacker and didn't send them the gift list early enough, oops).
We also got our annual bonus, aka, the ridiculously large sum of money that completely spoils us. But that went on the credit cards. We spent more money than I want to think of this month - I was free to leave the house, so we went out to eat a lot, there was the gala to buy for ($400 worth of just liquor - woohoo), presents, the tree, etc. And plus we went on a final spending spree last Tuesday because I found out I got certified in another app, so I get a bonus. D loves to spoil me, so he took me out to dinner and then we (aka, mostly I) dropped a lot of cash at the mall on more presents for parents and fun things for me.
This month has been fun. But I'm looking forward to the New Year, with a couple months to hibernate and recover :)

O Christmas Tree

For those of you not at the gala, here is the second annual 11ft Christmas tree in all it's splendor:

My mom doesn't like Christmas trees in general, so we always had 5 ft fake tree at home. Now that I'm gone she doesn't even bother to put the whole tree up - she just puts the top up on a table :P
So, for the second year in a row that I'm in a house with tall ceilings and a big living room, D and I have gotten a hugenormous tree and decorated it.

It makes me happy :)

Triumph!

Yesterday morning me and the fiancé got up at 7am, and heard the cat running around outside the bedroom (we keep the door closed on weekdays).
He went to go check out what the heck was going on, and I heard the dreaded words:
"It's the mouse again"
Yep, even though the cat had killed one a few weeks ago, there was another one.
So, the fiancé told me to give him a shoe and went into the guest bathroom after the mouse. We closed the door and stuffed a towel under it so the mouse was trapped. After many thumps and bumps, and the fiancé letting me know through the door that mice could climb and jump real well, he finally came out - the damn mouse was so cute that he couldn't kill it, and it managed to get under the vanity.
*sigh*
So, we went downstairs and got the $17 humane mouse trap that has so far NOT seen any action. I re-baited it with fresh peanut butter and we stuck in in the bathroom, in the hopes that it would get the mouse that we knew was in there.
Well, this morning D (the fiancé) went into the bathroom and proudly announced that "we had mouse interaction!" Yep, the light was blinking on the trap and we paid our last respects to the second dead mouse.
Let's hope that's it. Not that I really believe it.

On a side note, I'm thinking of taking a stained glass class in January. It sounds neat, and I'm pretty excited about it. Think of all the neat stuff I could make! I <3 stained glass.

Hello

"Look forth upon your life and don’t hang on
There’s a clear blue sky in the days to come
Take off your mind your wildest hopes
Your sweetest dreams, material thoughts
Open up your mind; let your spirit flow
Sweeping off the lie that divides your world
Deep into your heart let your soul become
Wake up and have a look outside the wall
Whatever thing I do or say, your dreams my fate
Your love, my faith … Does anything count at all?
Whatever place I go or stay is it a sign to live astray?
Does anything count at all?"
~Dreaminfusion

Pay it forward

So, I've decided to get involved in this pyramid scheme that Lucia is propagating, so here is my turn:
I hereby pledge to send a handmade gift to the first three people who comment on this entry. No real promises about time frame, but it’ll be within the next 365 days. In return, you have to post the same offer on your blog, and prepare to send a gift to three other people.

Can't wait to see what Lucia comes up with :)

Toca's Miracle

"If you're gonna save the day
And you're hearin' what I say
I feel your touch
Your kiss, it's not enough
And if you believe in me
Don't think my love's not for real
I won't take nothin' less then a deeper love
Tell me that you understand
And you'll take me as I am
You'll always be the one to give me everything
Just when I thought no one cared
You're the answer to my prayer
You lift my spirits high
Come on and rescue me
Let me tell you
I need a miracle
Its more than physical
What I need to feel from you..."
~Fragma

Damaged

I think I've hit a wall in my life, where nothing works and nothing changes, and I'm so tired.
To make it worse, it's snowed here, and if there is one thing I couldn't do before the accident, it was drive in snow. Now, I have less control and feeling in my right foot than before, which freaks me out even more, and the accident was partially caused by an icy, slippery road. I will never forget the feeling of abject terror that woke me from my alcohol-induced memory loss that night. I remember that feeling and the feeling of being completely out of control, and I remember the feeling of impact when I finally hit the tree. Those feelings will haunt me for the rest of my life. I couldn't even get out of our driveway today because I'm so inept at driving in snow, and that combined with the stress of preparing myself to drive in snow led to an impromptu breakdown in the fiancé's car as he drove me to work because I couldn't drive myself.
My relationship is in shambles, my friendships aren't doing so well either because of how I acted on Friday (I slid waaaaaaaaaay backwards into self-destructive mode again, after promising that I wouldn't), and even though I have my bracelet off, I can't go anywhere because of the snow and the paralyzing fear caused by the feelings from the accident. To make things worse, the heat in our house isn't working so it's 50 degrees and freezing, the dishwasher doesn't work, and the cat woke us up at 12am again, this time to show me the DEAD MOUSE he had in his mouth.
I feel like I'm stuck in life the same way I was stuck in my driveway - wheels spinning in overdrive and all I'm doing is fishtailing around.
I'm out of control and I want to deal with it the way I always do - by doing very self-destructive things that I won't mention here. I want to get out of that rut, but I have no idea what else to do.

"Dreaming comes so easily
Cause it's all that I know
True love is a fairy tale
I'm damaged, so how would I know
I'm scared
And I'm alone
I'm ashamed
And I need for you to know
I didn't say all the things I wanted to say
But you can't take back what you keep taking away
Cause I feel you
I feel you, near me
The feeling comes so painfully
And it chills to the bone
Many won't get close to me
I'm damaged
As I'm sure you know
I can't go back
I must go..."
~Plummet

I'M FREE!

Free free free free free free!!!!!!
Got the bracelet snipped off at five minutes of eight this morning, and then the (tentative) fiancé and I stopped at McDonald's and then Starbucks to celebrate!
As far as tentative, let's just say we talked and relieved some stress last night. We're starting over again, and testing the waters for a month.
But, as far as today goes, I'm off to the spa for an all-day appointment, then it's dinner at the Old Fashioned, then salsa dancing at Frida. Could this day get any better??

Mice, part II

No, I wasn't allowed to go back to bed and have a nice, peaceful night.
I was woken up at 5:30am by the sound of my cat running around. Again. And so I had to get up and see what was going on. Again.
And he had a mouse. Again.
This time, I was running around trying to get him to catch the mouse again so I could somehow herd them downstairs and capture the mouse downstairs - AGAIN. I was of course, screeching again, and actually did it so hard that I really hurt my throat :(
But Sam was now bored with his nu toy, and the mouse disappeared somewhere in the vicinity of the fireplace.
Augh!
I went back to bed - and this time I closed the door and then had dreams about catching mice for the next 90 minutes of sleep that I got.
Ugh.

My lovely cat, the great hunter

It is 1:30 in the morning and I was just woken up by my loudly meowing cat wandering into my bedroom. Fearing something was wrong because he never does that, and plus it just sounded strange, I got up and followed him to the living room.
Seeing him crouched down, I figured he was probably gonna puke, cuz he does that sometimes. Too tired to care, I just moved him forward a few inches from the carpet to the linoleum floor so it'd be easy to clean up, and turned to go to bed - then registered that I'd seen something weird near his mouth. I ran downstairs after him to see what was going on with him, when he dropped a LIVE MOUSE on the floor!!

Eeeeeeeeeeeeek!
Of course, Sam was having fun. He had nu toy. He kept grabbing it then dropping it then finding it when it hid and running after it when it tried to run away. So, yelling and hopping around like a complete girl, I kept trying to grab at the cat and get him away from the mouse, which Sam was having NONE of. This meant, of course, that I was near the mouse - and he RAN OVER MY FOOT! Ewwwww!
I finally got the cat away and he's now in my bedroom, meowing to be let out because he wants to play more, but I felt so bad for the mouse, since Sam wasn't killing it, just hurting it. I called the (ex?) fiancé at the motel because I didn't know what to do - Sam's litterbox is downstairs so I don't want to completely close it off, and plus the mouse disappeared around said litterbox - and I can't help but think that Sam found this mouse upstairs, since he brought it into the bedroom to let me know about it, and I know that mice can go up stairs, so even if it's downstairs I'm not safe without closing the doors.

So I need to go back downstairs and get the litterbox from the clutches of evil insomniac mouse, then try to sleep without freaking out about mice climbing into bed with me.

EWWWWWWW!!

Skeptics and True Believers

"Don't be so scared, we will not lead
you on like you've been doing for weeks
So you're selfish, and I'm sorry
When I'm gone you'll be going nowhere fast
Nowhere fast, nowhere fast
Don't be so scared to take a second for reflection
To take a leave of absence, see what you're made of
So I'm selfish and you're sorry
When I'm gone you'll be going nowhere fast
So who's selfish and who's sorry?
Someone, somewhere said somethings that may have sparked some sympathy
But don't believe, don't believe a word you've heard about me.
Don't be so scared, it's harder for me.
Would you believe me if I said I didn't need you?
Cause I wouldn't believe you if you said the same to me
Near death, last breath, and barely hanging on
Would you believe me if I said I didn't need you?"
~The Academy Is

"I was always very clear about what I wanted, and he...wasn't.
And there's no way to build a future on that."

Pain

If I did the right thing, why does it hurt so much?
Sad kitty doesn't know what to do to get back to being happy :'(

Broken

I am so broken. My heart is broken because my engagement is broken and my relationship is gone and I don't know how to get it back without sacrificing my happiness.
But I don't want to have to do this all over. I don't want to live alone in an apartment. I don't want to have to start again.
What's my alternative? An emotionally abusive relationship?
2007 will be remembered as the year that has taken everything away from me. What's next? Will my father, who I called at 3am EST and talked to until 5am EST because I didn't want to be alone, die in a horrible car accident?
I have always tried to be a good person. Why is this year so hard?

"I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away
I keep your photograph, I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain
The worst is over now and we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away
There's so much left to learn, and no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain
'Cause I'm broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I am strong enough
'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away..."
~Seether feat. Amy Lee

X

http://www.angelfire.com/goth/Leona/x.html

Angst

Suddenly, I'm a teenager again. Not able to go anywhere, no ring on my finger, living in a house of contempt and hiding away in my cold, dark room, listening to Type O Negative, trying to let the pain out. Trying to find some reason not to, but failing miserably. Staring at my shaking hand and giving up, after so long.
I am 15 again.

One week!

I am feeling soooooooooooooo much better about everything today.
The stress of Thanksgiving and the first get-together with the in-laws since the wedding fiasco is now over - and it wasn't half bad. I cooked up a storm - 3.5 hours on Wednesday and then about 2.5 on Thursday morning, so we had a *lot* of different dishes. The fiancé was super helpful too, even getting up at 5am with me to turn the turkey over that we had brining in the garage (though we did go back to bed for 5 more hours after that).
The pasture-raised organic turkey breast (seriously just a turkey w/the wings and legs removed) was expensive, but OMG, it was fabulous! I think the brining really helped, you could taste the fall flavors of it just a bit, and it was juicy and so yummy. I'm so pleased with the way it turned out. Plus, we were able to salvage the wishbone, so it's drying out at home right now so that the fiancé and I can pull it apart this weekend, something that's become a bit of a tradition with us. We even do this with the wishbones from rotisserie chickens :)
The fiancé's father was nice, per always, I don't mind hanging out with him except that he interrupts everyone all the time. Seriously, you can't have a conversation with anyone else around him cuz he'll randomly start talking over the conversation about whatever he wants to talk about at the time. But it's not mean, I think he's just off in his own world. He's pretty harmless.
And lo and behold, the MIL (mother in law) complemented us on the meal! And she even said my cranberry sauce was delicious and asked me how I got it so thick, and said she had started to always make her carrots the way I make them (roasted with olive oil and thyme, recipe from my mom) and had told everyone at work to make them that way too! That is really a compliment of the highest order from her :)
I had tried to make an artichoke dish from Tyler Florence (one of her favorite chefs), but we left it warming in the oven a little too long, so it was a bit tough, plus she's never eaten artichokes so it didn't go over well. Which is ok, I wasn't really that big of a fan of it either :P
Of course, the visit wouldn't be complete without her making slightly snarky remarks on the travel for the wedding, and our wedding favors and colors and my dress pictures that I liked that I had ripped out of the 3 wedding magazines Loud had bought for me (thanks :)), but that's ok. The visit is over, it was fairly pleasant, and I was a complete cooking rockstar.
Next week, I get my car back, and on Friday, at 8am, I get my freedom back!!!
Woohoo!!!
Now it's back to work, where I am the only person whose customer has already called :P

Too much

There is too much going on right now. Thanksgiving stress, in-law stress, car stress, wedding stress, leg stress, money stress, work stress, and the stress of having so much to do and not being able to do it while on home confinement.
While we were playing poker with Ding and Vavra, Ding and I, at one point, started laughing hard and long about something..........I don't remember what, it wasn't anything particularly hilarious, but one of those things that hits you just right at the moment. But the strange thing was that through the tears of laughter came real tears and I almost started crying right then and there.
I need to get out. I go from home to work, I do work that I don't care about anymore, I go from work to home, I watch TV and smoke cigarettes and drink N/A beer instead of eating, I go to bed too late, and then I wake up and do it all over again. The only time I get to get out is when I get called and told to come in for a drug test.
This is not the way I ever wanted my life to be.
I'm feeling very disassociated from it all - while still feeling very trapped and caged and unsettled. I feel like I'm trying to run away from everything that I have to deal with but I can't, it just keeps coming, and I'm so exhausted.
The fiancé tells me to just work through things one at a time - get through Thanksgiving with the in-laws, get through the car problems, get through home confinement, get through the work stuff, get through the debt, one at a time.
I'm just, for the first time in my life, finding it hard to stuff the bad things in a box and ignore them.

Timing belts

Yes, timing belts are supposed to last a very long time. On my car, it's supposed to last 90,000 miles.
It crapped out at 55,000 for some reason. It was frayed, apparently, and that caused it to slip. Hence, my engine is now a one ton paperweight.
And the new engine they are getting for me and rebuilding and putting in has 80,000 miles on it. One of the damn reasons I bought the car that I did was because it had such low milage, but now that's shot. That's the equivelent of 2 1/2 years of driving (25k miles) that I'm getting in a week. And they're getting it from a commercial salvage yard, which means I probably won't be able to get the VIN of the car they pulled it from.
So who knows the history of this mystery engine? No one. But it's going in my car. I'm at least getting it pretty much rebuilt - told the guy to put in a new timing belt (duh), water pump, seals, gaskets, spark plugs and drive belt.
Of course, that drives the cost up.
I am now more in debt than I have ever been in my entire life, and I'm not happy about it.

At least I like Ramen and Mac & Cheese.

I just found out how much it's going to cost to fix my car.

I am a very, very sad kitty right now :(

Stupid car

Major meltdown this morning - my car died last night. Got it towed and looked at this morning.
Timing belt was frayed - and it jumped time.

FUCK.

My engine is toast. Your timing belt keeps time in your car - when the valves open and the pistons fire etc etc. The fact that it slipped means that everything got out of kilter and the valves and pistons are shot.
After hearing this at 9 in the morning on a Saturday after a long fucking week and an even longer 2 1/2 months, I completely broke down and cried and ranted and raved, before calling my Dad so he could get me in check.
After the accident that totaled my car, I got no money from the insurance company, so I had to buy a new car. I haven't even paid it off yet and now I need to buy a whole new engine - which means I need to pay over half the value of my car again, IF they can find me a decent engine.
All thise less than 2 weeks before I get my freedom back.
Which it looks like won't be happening, because I'm not going to have a car.

*sigh*

I'm so damn frustrated right now.

My Time In Exile

"Used to worry for each other
No one’s bothered like before
We sleep with each other’s friends
Sneak around, fall apart,
And come back for more
We sit around drinking tables
Stabilized and keeping score
But my mind is somewhere out the door
We go to clubs
The songs are old
The evening’s blown
Go our ways and take taxis home
Talk of Sunday outings
And medicate to fight the doubting
But know we’ll always be alone
Well that’s my year spent in exile
Second guessed and dressed up in tatters
My both feet didn’t take this path
And I’m still looking for a life that matters
More than chit-chat we listen to the streets
We’re all deadbeats
And these old habits are starting to show through
Sorry I didn’t get to know you
Oh, time has flown
I’ve overstayed a while
In my time in exile
Oh, we have grown
The one thing that I’ve learned
I want a life now of my own..."
~Third Eye Blind

Poker and nu toyz

Yey! I finally got to use all my fun new poker stuff.
A while back, I bought some poker chips. Then I bought a case to put them in, and also a poker table top to play on.
Last Saturday, Vavra and Ding came over for game night, so me, my fiancé and them played many hands of poker. I completely and utterly lost (I was actually negative, which mean I had to take more chips from the case to keep playing :P) but it wasn't for real money, so that was ok. Right before we ended playing, Ding had won a large pot, and so she was the over-all winner.
It was much fun though. We had pot stickers, homemade apple crisp, and other assorted snacks, and we played for many hours and had lots of good quotes that did, suprisingly, get funnier each time you said them :P
Anyways, I think that I need more practice. We should set up a girls poker night once in a while so that when I hit up Vegas for the honeymoon, I don't come back broke :)

Fun stuff

I love Loud's comment on my last post. More people should comment like they're had way too much caffeinated soda :)
And best link ever, also courtesy of Loud (shown during the dinner party where we chatted about worm bins):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qMlALg2Qlt4
It's amazing how accurate that is.

Time

So, when I started this whole home confinement thing, I thought I'd have tons of time to read books, and watch TV, and scrapbook, and whatnot.
That turned out to be so not true.
I've read some books, yes, and gotten into a few new TV shows (anyone watch Meerkat Manor? They're so cute). But for the most part, I've been doing wedding planning and trying to rest. Going through this is emotionally exhausting, and I know that sounds weird, but it is. Add that to the stress of planning a wedding and 2 receptions that I don't want, and sleep becomes pretty essential.
I've continued doing the cooking and cleaning, and spend about as much time making the shopping list for the fiancé as I used to take to do the grocery shopping (who knew there were so many meanings to the words "sliced jalapenos"?).
And now I'm over 2/3 done (go Team Jennifer) and all I can think of is the absolute whirlwind that the first 2 weeks of December will be. The spa, going out, dress shopping, parties, Christmas tree decoration, more wedding stuff, trip to a customer site, shopping for gala clothes and food and drinks, decorating the rest of the house and yard and cleaning the house and finally cooking for the gala.
The gala takes a lot of work.
But even before all of that I have to survive the cooking and cleaning spree that will be Thanksgiving for the future in-laws. I did already make homemade cranberry sauce.......but I don't think it will last for the next 2 1/2 weeks.
And we're getting an organic, free-range turkey breast and I'm going to brine it for the first time ever! I even bought brining mix and bags from Williams-Sonoma!

You know, if this week's essay topic was "prove how ridiculously yuppy you can be", that last paragraph would have totally clinched it.

Anyways, come over this Saturday for game night (maybe 7pm-ish?). I has more nu toys 2 play wif.
And I want to see more comments! I get no comments unless I blog about my bangs.
Which, BTW, are completely in my eyes. And I haven't seen any sparklies yet.

More wedding

Things are starting to take shape a bit for the wedding.
Instead of getting married in my parent's backyard, we're going to get married at a vineyard then eat lobster (including uber-cheesy lobster bib that will be included in the group pictures) and have an open wine/beer bar, plus a limo to shuttle everyone around so that at 10pm when we go back to the hotel we're not worrying about driving. Plus, the spa and salon are right at the hotel I'm looking at, AND they have a evening shuttle from downtown Newport and back so we can party it up :)
In case you care, it's this place:
http://newportspa.com/
We're going to be reserving a block of rooms (haven't done that yet) but I called and it looks like a standard room w/1 king bed or 2 queens will be $99 on Thursday (9/11) and $159 on Fri and Sat. The "luxury" rooms with a 2 person whirlpool are more, but really, are we going to be at the hotel that much? The girls will have massages and manicures on Friday, and hair and makeup done Saturday. I'm thinking the wedding party should all go out on Thursday so they can meet each other. And Friday should be the "rehearsal" dinner (don't think we'll do an actual rehearsal, but the parents should be able to meet everyone so we'll probably still do the dinner) so everyone can meet the parents.
Also, we're going dress shopping in about a month. Look for posts with pictures of the horrific dresses we find :)
And let me know if you want to come to RI for the reception (Lucia and Vavra, I got you already). We have a few more spots that we could fill!

Essay Tuesday (on Friday)

So, courtesy of Witty's/Loud's suggestion, this week we should prove how uncool we are. I was just looking through my previous posts, and I gotta say, this sentence from my all-night canning post kinda says it all:
So, last Saturday was the Fall Ball, a fundraiser for the girls walking the 3 Day this year. While I couldn't attend like the previous year, I decided to have my own fun and stay up all night canning tomatoes (why yes, I am a huge dork).

Wedding

I give up. I don't want a stupid wedding, and I'm just doing this stuff for my parents and the fiancé's parents, and they're making it so difficult. I'm sick of the drama and the stress, and I can't believe this is such a big deal but at the same time something so small.
I want to have me in a white dress. I want Damon in a nice tux. And I want one person to say a few words so that we can get the tax benefits of being married. That's it.
I don't want to spend tens of thousands of dollars on something that doesn't even mean that much to me.
But this is one of those things you just *do*, and everyone is expecting something. I can't possibly live up to everyone expectations at once, including mine and Damon's. We're the most important people here.
If we do something super simple, some people might think less of us. But the important people won't - the important people will accept our wedding as an expression of us, and I just don't want the drama anymore.

Day 53

Day 53 of home confinement. Whee.
Spent last night trying my hand at a 1000 piece puzzle with the fiancé. I think we got about 5% of it done before we gave up and watched TV instead. I had no idea the pieces were going to be that small :P
Been doing some wedding planning also. Grueling. Anyone want to take that over for me?
Bueller? Bueller?
And also, who wants to get together and play poker sometime? I know everyone is busy, but I've been having an itch to play that lately and get some use out of my sweet pink and black chips :)
Or, we could hold a game night if that catches people's interest...

Essay of the week

I've been slacking on this whole essay thing, but I am at least managing to get this in before the deadline.
So, who are my people? Like the others, I'm having a hard time putting this into words. I don't have any general ethnic group with which I identify, I don't belong to any other sort of groups, and I like my family but don't really feel like they're my people (they fall more into the "in my corner, have my back" sort of category).
The best I can come up with is that my people are my friends, so here's what I think defines them:
1) Completed college and are pretty darn smart
2) Sort of geeky (sorry, but I did meet most of you while working at a software company, and besides, it's a compliment)
3) They have a wide variety of interests and are continually introducing me to new subjects without ever being pushy about interests they are hardcore into
4) Love to go out and have fun with friends
5) Can make the simplest night of hanging out and chatting really fun
6) Love kareoke
8) Never care about what's "in" or the "new hotspot" or "being seen"
9) Take care of each other when the chips are down

I actually think it's really awesome that I can't 100% classify who my people are. They're too diverse to pin down with one observation. But the one constant is that they care about me and I care about them.

Pumpkins galore

So, I did end up making the pumpkin soup last weekend, but I don't recommend it. I ended up throwing some leftover pieces of ham in it to give it some substance - it was a really thin soup. Not really the comforting, autumn soup that I wanted. Having it in the pumpkin itself did look kinda cool though, right after I took it out of the oven and before it began listing to the side, Leaning-Tower-of-Piza style.
Also, this Sunday will be pumpkin carving at my place at 1pm - come empty handed or bring your own, whichever you want. We'll have extras.
And on a completely unrelated note, I'm trying to keep my eye on 11/30. Today is day 45 - I'm halfway done with home confinement. I'm thinking of hitting up Peppermill Grill on the west side for dinner and drinks after the spa and before heading downtown. Let me know if you want to come, or if you have other suggestions for dinner. It promises to be a fun night :)

The Burning Red

There is a sadness that weighs heavy on me lately, and I've found myself sobbing like my heart would break way too often in the past few weeks.
The fiancé think that this will go away when I am off home confinement, but I don't know. I feel so broken, and I don't know how to fix it. Having my freedom taken away is certainly very very hard, and the fact that I can't drink means I'm clear-headed all the time and can't get away from this. It would be nice to have the sharp edges blurred sometimes, because they hurt. And sometimes it's too much.
I'm really scared that I'm becoming depressed again. As I told the fiancé, something about my sadness has changed in the past week. It feels like it's settled into my very bones. He wants me to see someone about this, but I don't know what to tell him. The only thing right now that would make me feel better would be to get my leg back, not to open up old wounds with someone I don't know.
I want my old life back - I traveled for work a lot, I wore my kick-ass Manolos, I was engaged, I worked out, I was making a lot of money, got a great Christmas bonus, wore heels out and danced and commanded the attention of every male in the room. I was in control of my life.
Now I don't exercise, I can't travel, I can't wear heels. I can't go to the grocery store and buy food for the house - I fail even in the domestic side of my life. Instead I try to fill the emptiness with someone who loves me, friends, the local food scene (vicariously), scrapbooking, cooking and, soon, working with stained glass.
But it doesn't work. I want the validation that I got from looking hot and all the attention. I want the validation I felt when I went to a customer site and knew what I was doing and led a meeting with people who had all been in the business 20 years longer than me - and the fact that they were looking to *me* for guidence and help. I want to go out with my friends again and socialize and eat good food and drink all night.
But I'm here, in my house, alone. I can't go anywhere, there's no one for me to talk to and nothing I want to do.
And again, I find myself feeling like my soul is breaking. And I can't make it stop.

"I see the sun begin to rise
And I'm blinded too
I've seen the world through jaded eyes
That I'm crying through
I watch the darkness hypnotize
And can't fight it
Caress the needle prick in my eye
The tears fell like rain
I've rode the phoenix as she glides
And I've gone insane
I've seen the light of suicide
And I'm dying
Hold on, I'm falling
Can't breathe anymore
An ocean has opened
These scars need to heal over
Colder and colder
Just hold onto me"
~Machinehead

Some quick notes

This weekend the fiancé will be running a marathon up north. In the spirit of doing something adventurous with him (since I can't be there, *sniff*), I'm going to try to make pumpkin soup in the pumpkin shell itself, Animal, Vegetable, Miracle style (http://www.animalvegetablemiracle.com/Pumpkin%20Soup.pdf). (Ok, so it's not as adventerous as running 26.2 miles, but he's already done it once, which totally lowers the adventurous-ness of it in my book.) If you read the book, you know that her pumpkin collapsed and she had to do some hasty repairs. I hope that mine will turn out better. We had a rotisserie chicken this week, so I used the leftovers to create chicken stock to use in the soup - I hope it will taste good. And hey, since the fiancé won't be around all weekend, I need something to do to keep myself entertained.
And my bangs are driving me nuts.

Fade

"Watch me turn away
From the lies that I will never take
And watch me walk away
From the loneliness I feel today
I'll turn and fade
I'll fade away
I can't take the pain
Of where we laid
Watch me run away
From the tears that drown out my faith
And watch me walk away
From the face that always has to say
I'm gonna change...
Its all ok...
Just one more take...
Don't run away
And watch me turn a page
On the past that I cannot escape
And watch me find a way
To never have to hurt again
It's gonna change
I'll make a place
It's over now
So hear me say
Watch me run away
Why did you turn and fade?
So you tell me that you love me
So you're telling me that you'll throw it all away
I just can't turn and fade away
So I tell you that I love you
So I tell you that you're throwing it away
As I pray for you to fade
I'll be free from all your chains
You tell me that you love me
You tell me that you need me
You tell me that you want me
You tell me that you care
Do you want me?
Tell me do you need me?
Baby do you love me?
You dont care
I don't care
I never thought that you would be
The one that I could never see
I never thought that I would fade away..."
~Prom Kings

What do you do when there is no one left to turn to, and no one to save you from yourself? You run away. To a new place, a new job, a new hell to call home. At least it's not the one you're already in.
Does no one realize how defeatist that is??

Results

So, last Saturday was the Fall Ball, a fundraiser for the girls walking the 3 Day this year. While I couldn't attend like the previous year, I decided to have my own fun and stay up all night canning tomatoes (why yes, I am a huge dork).

Here are the results (ignore the time stamps on the picture, the camera is about an hour and 10 days ahead):

10:30pm - Starting out:

Midnight - Hard at work:

12:45am - Tired:

1am - Getting these into cans:

2am - By this time we have 2 water baths going:

4:30am - Finally, we're done: