Hey Mom, look what I made!

Check out what we got to make during the stained glass workshop on Thursday night:

It's not very big, and it looks like a 7 year old made it, but I'm pretty proud of it. And I signed up for the 4 week workshop next month! Whee!

Gala + Time = party

After most people leave, we get to party hardcore with the people left, just like we used to do :)

On a side note, I just had a really tough meeting at work where I had to fight tooth and nail to get what I needed, and now I'm so exhausted. I can't wait for the stained glass workshop tonight. I think it'll be just the thing to take my mind off this.

And on a side side note, girl's game night, my place, either the 18th or 19th of January. And you're free to crash in the guest bedroom if need be.

Christmas time of year

Christmas was great this year. We had Monday evening and all of Tuesday off, so D and I also took Monday morning off so we could have a 4 day weekend. We also did that this coming weekend for the New Year, so I can't wait.
I got an email from my parents and brother about the presents I sent. It cost $110 to send everything in time for Christmas Eve, but it was worth it. They loved everything and I hope it made things a bit brighter.
We opened presents at our house on Christmas Eve also, and D got me great stuff, per usual, even thought we had put limits on our spending. I'm listening to a Just Jack CD right now that he found, got some great balsamic vinegar in the fridge, we watched Ratatouille on DVD......and there's other presents that I won't be telling you about ;)
We headed up to his parent's house on Christmas Day for dinner and presents - and brought an apple pie that we baked the night before (it actually turned out well!). We loaded the trunk of the Saab up with tons of presents (how we accumulated so many, I don't know) and I think the parents were very happy with what they got. I was happy too - they got me new Crazy Daisy dishes from ebay, kitchen linens and utensils to go with it, and even a Mutts sleep set made from organic cotton! And a fleece jacket direct from Saab with a cool, unobtrusive Saab logo. I'm so fancy :P
The fiancé got lots of clothes that he didn't like, but which I'm sure will make lots of more unfortunate people happy when we hit up goodwill. And of course he has presents from my family which haven't gotten here yet (cuz I'm a slacker and didn't send them the gift list early enough, oops).
We also got our annual bonus, aka, the ridiculously large sum of money that completely spoils us. But that went on the credit cards. We spent more money than I want to think of this month - I was free to leave the house, so we went out to eat a lot, there was the gala to buy for ($400 worth of just liquor - woohoo), presents, the tree, etc. And plus we went on a final spending spree last Tuesday because I found out I got certified in another app, so I get a bonus. D loves to spoil me, so he took me out to dinner and then we (aka, mostly I) dropped a lot of cash at the mall on more presents for parents and fun things for me.
This month has been fun. But I'm looking forward to the New Year, with a couple months to hibernate and recover :)

O Christmas Tree

For those of you not at the gala, here is the second annual 11ft Christmas tree in all it's splendor:

My mom doesn't like Christmas trees in general, so we always had 5 ft fake tree at home. Now that I'm gone she doesn't even bother to put the whole tree up - she just puts the top up on a table :P
So, for the second year in a row that I'm in a house with tall ceilings and a big living room, D and I have gotten a hugenormous tree and decorated it.

It makes me happy :)

Triumph!

Yesterday morning me and the fiancé got up at 7am, and heard the cat running around outside the bedroom (we keep the door closed on weekdays).
He went to go check out what the heck was going on, and I heard the dreaded words:
"It's the mouse again"
Yep, even though the cat had killed one a few weeks ago, there was another one.
So, the fiancé told me to give him a shoe and went into the guest bathroom after the mouse. We closed the door and stuffed a towel under it so the mouse was trapped. After many thumps and bumps, and the fiancé letting me know through the door that mice could climb and jump real well, he finally came out - the damn mouse was so cute that he couldn't kill it, and it managed to get under the vanity.
*sigh*
So, we went downstairs and got the $17 humane mouse trap that has so far NOT seen any action. I re-baited it with fresh peanut butter and we stuck in in the bathroom, in the hopes that it would get the mouse that we knew was in there.
Well, this morning D (the fiancé) went into the bathroom and proudly announced that "we had mouse interaction!" Yep, the light was blinking on the trap and we paid our last respects to the second dead mouse.
Let's hope that's it. Not that I really believe it.

On a side note, I'm thinking of taking a stained glass class in January. It sounds neat, and I'm pretty excited about it. Think of all the neat stuff I could make! I <3 stained glass.

Hello

"Look forth upon your life and don’t hang on
There’s a clear blue sky in the days to come
Take off your mind your wildest hopes
Your sweetest dreams, material thoughts
Open up your mind; let your spirit flow
Sweeping off the lie that divides your world
Deep into your heart let your soul become
Wake up and have a look outside the wall
Whatever thing I do or say, your dreams my fate
Your love, my faith … Does anything count at all?
Whatever place I go or stay is it a sign to live astray?
Does anything count at all?"
~Dreaminfusion

Pay it forward

So, I've decided to get involved in this pyramid scheme that Lucia is propagating, so here is my turn:
I hereby pledge to send a handmade gift to the first three people who comment on this entry. No real promises about time frame, but it’ll be within the next 365 days. In return, you have to post the same offer on your blog, and prepare to send a gift to three other people.

Can't wait to see what Lucia comes up with :)

Toca's Miracle

"If you're gonna save the day
And you're hearin' what I say
I feel your touch
Your kiss, it's not enough
And if you believe in me
Don't think my love's not for real
I won't take nothin' less then a deeper love
Tell me that you understand
And you'll take me as I am
You'll always be the one to give me everything
Just when I thought no one cared
You're the answer to my prayer
You lift my spirits high
Come on and rescue me
Let me tell you
I need a miracle
Its more than physical
What I need to feel from you..."
~Fragma

Damaged

I think I've hit a wall in my life, where nothing works and nothing changes, and I'm so tired.
To make it worse, it's snowed here, and if there is one thing I couldn't do before the accident, it was drive in snow. Now, I have less control and feeling in my right foot than before, which freaks me out even more, and the accident was partially caused by an icy, slippery road. I will never forget the feeling of abject terror that woke me from my alcohol-induced memory loss that night. I remember that feeling and the feeling of being completely out of control, and I remember the feeling of impact when I finally hit the tree. Those feelings will haunt me for the rest of my life. I couldn't even get out of our driveway today because I'm so inept at driving in snow, and that combined with the stress of preparing myself to drive in snow led to an impromptu breakdown in the fiancé's car as he drove me to work because I couldn't drive myself.
My relationship is in shambles, my friendships aren't doing so well either because of how I acted on Friday (I slid waaaaaaaaaay backwards into self-destructive mode again, after promising that I wouldn't), and even though I have my bracelet off, I can't go anywhere because of the snow and the paralyzing fear caused by the feelings from the accident. To make things worse, the heat in our house isn't working so it's 50 degrees and freezing, the dishwasher doesn't work, and the cat woke us up at 12am again, this time to show me the DEAD MOUSE he had in his mouth.
I feel like I'm stuck in life the same way I was stuck in my driveway - wheels spinning in overdrive and all I'm doing is fishtailing around.
I'm out of control and I want to deal with it the way I always do - by doing very self-destructive things that I won't mention here. I want to get out of that rut, but I have no idea what else to do.

"Dreaming comes so easily
Cause it's all that I know
True love is a fairy tale
I'm damaged, so how would I know
I'm scared
And I'm alone
I'm ashamed
And I need for you to know
I didn't say all the things I wanted to say
But you can't take back what you keep taking away
Cause I feel you
I feel you, near me
The feeling comes so painfully
And it chills to the bone
Many won't get close to me
I'm damaged
As I'm sure you know
I can't go back
I must go..."
~Plummet

I'M FREE!

Free free free free free free!!!!!!
Got the bracelet snipped off at five minutes of eight this morning, and then the (tentative) fiancé and I stopped at McDonald's and then Starbucks to celebrate!
As far as tentative, let's just say we talked and relieved some stress last night. We're starting over again, and testing the waters for a month.
But, as far as today goes, I'm off to the spa for an all-day appointment, then it's dinner at the Old Fashioned, then salsa dancing at Frida. Could this day get any better??

Mice, part II

No, I wasn't allowed to go back to bed and have a nice, peaceful night.
I was woken up at 5:30am by the sound of my cat running around. Again. And so I had to get up and see what was going on. Again.
And he had a mouse. Again.
This time, I was running around trying to get him to catch the mouse again so I could somehow herd them downstairs and capture the mouse downstairs - AGAIN. I was of course, screeching again, and actually did it so hard that I really hurt my throat :(
But Sam was now bored with his nu toy, and the mouse disappeared somewhere in the vicinity of the fireplace.
Augh!
I went back to bed - and this time I closed the door and then had dreams about catching mice for the next 90 minutes of sleep that I got.
Ugh.

My lovely cat, the great hunter

It is 1:30 in the morning and I was just woken up by my loudly meowing cat wandering into my bedroom. Fearing something was wrong because he never does that, and plus it just sounded strange, I got up and followed him to the living room.
Seeing him crouched down, I figured he was probably gonna puke, cuz he does that sometimes. Too tired to care, I just moved him forward a few inches from the carpet to the linoleum floor so it'd be easy to clean up, and turned to go to bed - then registered that I'd seen something weird near his mouth. I ran downstairs after him to see what was going on with him, when he dropped a LIVE MOUSE on the floor!!

Eeeeeeeeeeeeek!
Of course, Sam was having fun. He had nu toy. He kept grabbing it then dropping it then finding it when it hid and running after it when it tried to run away. So, yelling and hopping around like a complete girl, I kept trying to grab at the cat and get him away from the mouse, which Sam was having NONE of. This meant, of course, that I was near the mouse - and he RAN OVER MY FOOT! Ewwwww!
I finally got the cat away and he's now in my bedroom, meowing to be let out because he wants to play more, but I felt so bad for the mouse, since Sam wasn't killing it, just hurting it. I called the (ex?) fiancé at the motel because I didn't know what to do - Sam's litterbox is downstairs so I don't want to completely close it off, and plus the mouse disappeared around said litterbox - and I can't help but think that Sam found this mouse upstairs, since he brought it into the bedroom to let me know about it, and I know that mice can go up stairs, so even if it's downstairs I'm not safe without closing the doors.

So I need to go back downstairs and get the litterbox from the clutches of evil insomniac mouse, then try to sleep without freaking out about mice climbing into bed with me.

EWWWWWWW!!

Skeptics and True Believers

"Don't be so scared, we will not lead
you on like you've been doing for weeks
So you're selfish, and I'm sorry
When I'm gone you'll be going nowhere fast
Nowhere fast, nowhere fast
Don't be so scared to take a second for reflection
To take a leave of absence, see what you're made of
So I'm selfish and you're sorry
When I'm gone you'll be going nowhere fast
So who's selfish and who's sorry?
Someone, somewhere said somethings that may have sparked some sympathy
But don't believe, don't believe a word you've heard about me.
Don't be so scared, it's harder for me.
Would you believe me if I said I didn't need you?
Cause I wouldn't believe you if you said the same to me
Near death, last breath, and barely hanging on
Would you believe me if I said I didn't need you?"
~The Academy Is

"I was always very clear about what I wanted, and he...wasn't.
And there's no way to build a future on that."

Pain

If I did the right thing, why does it hurt so much?
Sad kitty doesn't know what to do to get back to being happy :'(

Broken

I am so broken. My heart is broken because my engagement is broken and my relationship is gone and I don't know how to get it back without sacrificing my happiness.
But I don't want to have to do this all over. I don't want to live alone in an apartment. I don't want to have to start again.
What's my alternative? An emotionally abusive relationship?
2007 will be remembered as the year that has taken everything away from me. What's next? Will my father, who I called at 3am EST and talked to until 5am EST because I didn't want to be alone, die in a horrible car accident?
I have always tried to be a good person. Why is this year so hard?

"I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away
I keep your photograph, I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain
The worst is over now and we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away
There's so much left to learn, and no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain
'Cause I'm broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I am strong enough
'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away..."
~Seether feat. Amy Lee

X

http://www.angelfire.com/goth/Leona/x.html

Angst

Suddenly, I'm a teenager again. Not able to go anywhere, no ring on my finger, living in a house of contempt and hiding away in my cold, dark room, listening to Type O Negative, trying to let the pain out. Trying to find some reason not to, but failing miserably. Staring at my shaking hand and giving up, after so long.
I am 15 again.

One week!

I am feeling soooooooooooooo much better about everything today.
The stress of Thanksgiving and the first get-together with the in-laws since the wedding fiasco is now over - and it wasn't half bad. I cooked up a storm - 3.5 hours on Wednesday and then about 2.5 on Thursday morning, so we had a *lot* of different dishes. The fiancé was super helpful too, even getting up at 5am with me to turn the turkey over that we had brining in the garage (though we did go back to bed for 5 more hours after that).
The pasture-raised organic turkey breast (seriously just a turkey w/the wings and legs removed) was expensive, but OMG, it was fabulous! I think the brining really helped, you could taste the fall flavors of it just a bit, and it was juicy and so yummy. I'm so pleased with the way it turned out. Plus, we were able to salvage the wishbone, so it's drying out at home right now so that the fiancé and I can pull it apart this weekend, something that's become a bit of a tradition with us. We even do this with the wishbones from rotisserie chickens :)
The fiancé's father was nice, per always, I don't mind hanging out with him except that he interrupts everyone all the time. Seriously, you can't have a conversation with anyone else around him cuz he'll randomly start talking over the conversation about whatever he wants to talk about at the time. But it's not mean, I think he's just off in his own world. He's pretty harmless.
And lo and behold, the MIL (mother in law) complemented us on the meal! And she even said my cranberry sauce was delicious and asked me how I got it so thick, and said she had started to always make her carrots the way I make them (roasted with olive oil and thyme, recipe from my mom) and had told everyone at work to make them that way too! That is really a compliment of the highest order from her :)
I had tried to make an artichoke dish from Tyler Florence (one of her favorite chefs), but we left it warming in the oven a little too long, so it was a bit tough, plus she's never eaten artichokes so it didn't go over well. Which is ok, I wasn't really that big of a fan of it either :P
Of course, the visit wouldn't be complete without her making slightly snarky remarks on the travel for the wedding, and our wedding favors and colors and my dress pictures that I liked that I had ripped out of the 3 wedding magazines Loud had bought for me (thanks :)), but that's ok. The visit is over, it was fairly pleasant, and I was a complete cooking rockstar.
Next week, I get my car back, and on Friday, at 8am, I get my freedom back!!!
Woohoo!!!
Now it's back to work, where I am the only person whose customer has already called :P

Too much

There is too much going on right now. Thanksgiving stress, in-law stress, car stress, wedding stress, leg stress, money stress, work stress, and the stress of having so much to do and not being able to do it while on home confinement.
While we were playing poker with Ding and Vavra, Ding and I, at one point, started laughing hard and long about something..........I don't remember what, it wasn't anything particularly hilarious, but one of those things that hits you just right at the moment. But the strange thing was that through the tears of laughter came real tears and I almost started crying right then and there.
I need to get out. I go from home to work, I do work that I don't care about anymore, I go from work to home, I watch TV and smoke cigarettes and drink N/A beer instead of eating, I go to bed too late, and then I wake up and do it all over again. The only time I get to get out is when I get called and told to come in for a drug test.
This is not the way I ever wanted my life to be.
I'm feeling very disassociated from it all - while still feeling very trapped and caged and unsettled. I feel like I'm trying to run away from everything that I have to deal with but I can't, it just keeps coming, and I'm so exhausted.
The fiancé tells me to just work through things one at a time - get through Thanksgiving with the in-laws, get through the car problems, get through home confinement, get through the work stuff, get through the debt, one at a time.
I'm just, for the first time in my life, finding it hard to stuff the bad things in a box and ignore them.

Timing belts

Yes, timing belts are supposed to last a very long time. On my car, it's supposed to last 90,000 miles.
It crapped out at 55,000 for some reason. It was frayed, apparently, and that caused it to slip. Hence, my engine is now a one ton paperweight.
And the new engine they are getting for me and rebuilding and putting in has 80,000 miles on it. One of the damn reasons I bought the car that I did was because it had such low milage, but now that's shot. That's the equivelent of 2 1/2 years of driving (25k miles) that I'm getting in a week. And they're getting it from a commercial salvage yard, which means I probably won't be able to get the VIN of the car they pulled it from.
So who knows the history of this mystery engine? No one. But it's going in my car. I'm at least getting it pretty much rebuilt - told the guy to put in a new timing belt (duh), water pump, seals, gaskets, spark plugs and drive belt.
Of course, that drives the cost up.
I am now more in debt than I have ever been in my entire life, and I'm not happy about it.

At least I like Ramen and Mac & Cheese.

I just found out how much it's going to cost to fix my car.

I am a very, very sad kitty right now :(

Stupid car

Major meltdown this morning - my car died last night. Got it towed and looked at this morning.
Timing belt was frayed - and it jumped time.

FUCK.

My engine is toast. Your timing belt keeps time in your car - when the valves open and the pistons fire etc etc. The fact that it slipped means that everything got out of kilter and the valves and pistons are shot.
After hearing this at 9 in the morning on a Saturday after a long fucking week and an even longer 2 1/2 months, I completely broke down and cried and ranted and raved, before calling my Dad so he could get me in check.
After the accident that totaled my car, I got no money from the insurance company, so I had to buy a new car. I haven't even paid it off yet and now I need to buy a whole new engine - which means I need to pay over half the value of my car again, IF they can find me a decent engine.
All thise less than 2 weeks before I get my freedom back.
Which it looks like won't be happening, because I'm not going to have a car.

*sigh*

I'm so damn frustrated right now.

My Time In Exile

"Used to worry for each other
No one’s bothered like before
We sleep with each other’s friends
Sneak around, fall apart,
And come back for more
We sit around drinking tables
Stabilized and keeping score
But my mind is somewhere out the door
We go to clubs
The songs are old
The evening’s blown
Go our ways and take taxis home
Talk of Sunday outings
And medicate to fight the doubting
But know we’ll always be alone
Well that’s my year spent in exile
Second guessed and dressed up in tatters
My both feet didn’t take this path
And I’m still looking for a life that matters
More than chit-chat we listen to the streets
We’re all deadbeats
And these old habits are starting to show through
Sorry I didn’t get to know you
Oh, time has flown
I’ve overstayed a while
In my time in exile
Oh, we have grown
The one thing that I’ve learned
I want a life now of my own..."
~Third Eye Blind

Poker and nu toyz

Yey! I finally got to use all my fun new poker stuff.
A while back, I bought some poker chips. Then I bought a case to put them in, and also a poker table top to play on.
Last Saturday, Vavra and Ding came over for game night, so me, my fiancé and them played many hands of poker. I completely and utterly lost (I was actually negative, which mean I had to take more chips from the case to keep playing :P) but it wasn't for real money, so that was ok. Right before we ended playing, Ding had won a large pot, and so she was the over-all winner.
It was much fun though. We had pot stickers, homemade apple crisp, and other assorted snacks, and we played for many hours and had lots of good quotes that did, suprisingly, get funnier each time you said them :P
Anyways, I think that I need more practice. We should set up a girls poker night once in a while so that when I hit up Vegas for the honeymoon, I don't come back broke :)

Fun stuff

I love Loud's comment on my last post. More people should comment like they're had way too much caffeinated soda :)
And best link ever, also courtesy of Loud (shown during the dinner party where we chatted about worm bins):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qMlALg2Qlt4
It's amazing how accurate that is.

Time

So, when I started this whole home confinement thing, I thought I'd have tons of time to read books, and watch TV, and scrapbook, and whatnot.
That turned out to be so not true.
I've read some books, yes, and gotten into a few new TV shows (anyone watch Meerkat Manor? They're so cute). But for the most part, I've been doing wedding planning and trying to rest. Going through this is emotionally exhausting, and I know that sounds weird, but it is. Add that to the stress of planning a wedding and 2 receptions that I don't want, and sleep becomes pretty essential.
I've continued doing the cooking and cleaning, and spend about as much time making the shopping list for the fiancé as I used to take to do the grocery shopping (who knew there were so many meanings to the words "sliced jalapenos"?).
And now I'm over 2/3 done (go Team Jennifer) and all I can think of is the absolute whirlwind that the first 2 weeks of December will be. The spa, going out, dress shopping, parties, Christmas tree decoration, more wedding stuff, trip to a customer site, shopping for gala clothes and food and drinks, decorating the rest of the house and yard and cleaning the house and finally cooking for the gala.
The gala takes a lot of work.
But even before all of that I have to survive the cooking and cleaning spree that will be Thanksgiving for the future in-laws. I did already make homemade cranberry sauce.......but I don't think it will last for the next 2 1/2 weeks.
And we're getting an organic, free-range turkey breast and I'm going to brine it for the first time ever! I even bought brining mix and bags from Williams-Sonoma!

You know, if this week's essay topic was "prove how ridiculously yuppy you can be", that last paragraph would have totally clinched it.

Anyways, come over this Saturday for game night (maybe 7pm-ish?). I has more nu toys 2 play wif.
And I want to see more comments! I get no comments unless I blog about my bangs.
Which, BTW, are completely in my eyes. And I haven't seen any sparklies yet.

More wedding

Things are starting to take shape a bit for the wedding.
Instead of getting married in my parent's backyard, we're going to get married at a vineyard then eat lobster (including uber-cheesy lobster bib that will be included in the group pictures) and have an open wine/beer bar, plus a limo to shuttle everyone around so that at 10pm when we go back to the hotel we're not worrying about driving. Plus, the spa and salon are right at the hotel I'm looking at, AND they have a evening shuttle from downtown Newport and back so we can party it up :)
In case you care, it's this place:
http://newportspa.com/
We're going to be reserving a block of rooms (haven't done that yet) but I called and it looks like a standard room w/1 king bed or 2 queens will be $99 on Thursday (9/11) and $159 on Fri and Sat. The "luxury" rooms with a 2 person whirlpool are more, but really, are we going to be at the hotel that much? The girls will have massages and manicures on Friday, and hair and makeup done Saturday. I'm thinking the wedding party should all go out on Thursday so they can meet each other. And Friday should be the "rehearsal" dinner (don't think we'll do an actual rehearsal, but the parents should be able to meet everyone so we'll probably still do the dinner) so everyone can meet the parents.
Also, we're going dress shopping in about a month. Look for posts with pictures of the horrific dresses we find :)
And let me know if you want to come to RI for the reception (Lucia and Vavra, I got you already). We have a few more spots that we could fill!

Essay Tuesday (on Friday)

So, courtesy of Witty's/Loud's suggestion, this week we should prove how uncool we are. I was just looking through my previous posts, and I gotta say, this sentence from my all-night canning post kinda says it all:
So, last Saturday was the Fall Ball, a fundraiser for the girls walking the 3 Day this year. While I couldn't attend like the previous year, I decided to have my own fun and stay up all night canning tomatoes (why yes, I am a huge dork).

Wedding

I give up. I don't want a stupid wedding, and I'm just doing this stuff for my parents and the fiancé's parents, and they're making it so difficult. I'm sick of the drama and the stress, and I can't believe this is such a big deal but at the same time something so small.
I want to have me in a white dress. I want Damon in a nice tux. And I want one person to say a few words so that we can get the tax benefits of being married. That's it.
I don't want to spend tens of thousands of dollars on something that doesn't even mean that much to me.
But this is one of those things you just *do*, and everyone is expecting something. I can't possibly live up to everyone expectations at once, including mine and Damon's. We're the most important people here.
If we do something super simple, some people might think less of us. But the important people won't - the important people will accept our wedding as an expression of us, and I just don't want the drama anymore.

Day 53

Day 53 of home confinement. Whee.
Spent last night trying my hand at a 1000 piece puzzle with the fiancé. I think we got about 5% of it done before we gave up and watched TV instead. I had no idea the pieces were going to be that small :P
Been doing some wedding planning also. Grueling. Anyone want to take that over for me?
Bueller? Bueller?
And also, who wants to get together and play poker sometime? I know everyone is busy, but I've been having an itch to play that lately and get some use out of my sweet pink and black chips :)
Or, we could hold a game night if that catches people's interest...

Essay of the week

I've been slacking on this whole essay thing, but I am at least managing to get this in before the deadline.
So, who are my people? Like the others, I'm having a hard time putting this into words. I don't have any general ethnic group with which I identify, I don't belong to any other sort of groups, and I like my family but don't really feel like they're my people (they fall more into the "in my corner, have my back" sort of category).
The best I can come up with is that my people are my friends, so here's what I think defines them:
1) Completed college and are pretty darn smart
2) Sort of geeky (sorry, but I did meet most of you while working at a software company, and besides, it's a compliment)
3) They have a wide variety of interests and are continually introducing me to new subjects without ever being pushy about interests they are hardcore into
4) Love to go out and have fun with friends
5) Can make the simplest night of hanging out and chatting really fun
6) Love kareoke
8) Never care about what's "in" or the "new hotspot" or "being seen"
9) Take care of each other when the chips are down

I actually think it's really awesome that I can't 100% classify who my people are. They're too diverse to pin down with one observation. But the one constant is that they care about me and I care about them.

Pumpkins galore

So, I did end up making the pumpkin soup last weekend, but I don't recommend it. I ended up throwing some leftover pieces of ham in it to give it some substance - it was a really thin soup. Not really the comforting, autumn soup that I wanted. Having it in the pumpkin itself did look kinda cool though, right after I took it out of the oven and before it began listing to the side, Leaning-Tower-of-Piza style.
Also, this Sunday will be pumpkin carving at my place at 1pm - come empty handed or bring your own, whichever you want. We'll have extras.
And on a completely unrelated note, I'm trying to keep my eye on 11/30. Today is day 45 - I'm halfway done with home confinement. I'm thinking of hitting up Peppermill Grill on the west side for dinner and drinks after the spa and before heading downtown. Let me know if you want to come, or if you have other suggestions for dinner. It promises to be a fun night :)

The Burning Red

There is a sadness that weighs heavy on me lately, and I've found myself sobbing like my heart would break way too often in the past few weeks.
The fiancé think that this will go away when I am off home confinement, but I don't know. I feel so broken, and I don't know how to fix it. Having my freedom taken away is certainly very very hard, and the fact that I can't drink means I'm clear-headed all the time and can't get away from this. It would be nice to have the sharp edges blurred sometimes, because they hurt. And sometimes it's too much.
I'm really scared that I'm becoming depressed again. As I told the fiancé, something about my sadness has changed in the past week. It feels like it's settled into my very bones. He wants me to see someone about this, but I don't know what to tell him. The only thing right now that would make me feel better would be to get my leg back, not to open up old wounds with someone I don't know.
I want my old life back - I traveled for work a lot, I wore my kick-ass Manolos, I was engaged, I worked out, I was making a lot of money, got a great Christmas bonus, wore heels out and danced and commanded the attention of every male in the room. I was in control of my life.
Now I don't exercise, I can't travel, I can't wear heels. I can't go to the grocery store and buy food for the house - I fail even in the domestic side of my life. Instead I try to fill the emptiness with someone who loves me, friends, the local food scene (vicariously), scrapbooking, cooking and, soon, working with stained glass.
But it doesn't work. I want the validation that I got from looking hot and all the attention. I want the validation I felt when I went to a customer site and knew what I was doing and led a meeting with people who had all been in the business 20 years longer than me - and the fact that they were looking to *me* for guidence and help. I want to go out with my friends again and socialize and eat good food and drink all night.
But I'm here, in my house, alone. I can't go anywhere, there's no one for me to talk to and nothing I want to do.
And again, I find myself feeling like my soul is breaking. And I can't make it stop.

"I see the sun begin to rise
And I'm blinded too
I've seen the world through jaded eyes
That I'm crying through
I watch the darkness hypnotize
And can't fight it
Caress the needle prick in my eye
The tears fell like rain
I've rode the phoenix as she glides
And I've gone insane
I've seen the light of suicide
And I'm dying
Hold on, I'm falling
Can't breathe anymore
An ocean has opened
These scars need to heal over
Colder and colder
Just hold onto me"
~Machinehead

Some quick notes

This weekend the fiancé will be running a marathon up north. In the spirit of doing something adventurous with him (since I can't be there, *sniff*), I'm going to try to make pumpkin soup in the pumpkin shell itself, Animal, Vegetable, Miracle style (http://www.animalvegetablemiracle.com/Pumpkin%20Soup.pdf). (Ok, so it's not as adventerous as running 26.2 miles, but he's already done it once, which totally lowers the adventurous-ness of it in my book.) If you read the book, you know that her pumpkin collapsed and she had to do some hasty repairs. I hope that mine will turn out better. We had a rotisserie chicken this week, so I used the leftovers to create chicken stock to use in the soup - I hope it will taste good. And hey, since the fiancé won't be around all weekend, I need something to do to keep myself entertained.
And my bangs are driving me nuts.

Fade

"Watch me turn away
From the lies that I will never take
And watch me walk away
From the loneliness I feel today
I'll turn and fade
I'll fade away
I can't take the pain
Of where we laid
Watch me run away
From the tears that drown out my faith
And watch me walk away
From the face that always has to say
I'm gonna change...
Its all ok...
Just one more take...
Don't run away
And watch me turn a page
On the past that I cannot escape
And watch me find a way
To never have to hurt again
It's gonna change
I'll make a place
It's over now
So hear me say
Watch me run away
Why did you turn and fade?
So you tell me that you love me
So you're telling me that you'll throw it all away
I just can't turn and fade away
So I tell you that I love you
So I tell you that you're throwing it away
As I pray for you to fade
I'll be free from all your chains
You tell me that you love me
You tell me that you need me
You tell me that you want me
You tell me that you care
Do you want me?
Tell me do you need me?
Baby do you love me?
You dont care
I don't care
I never thought that you would be
The one that I could never see
I never thought that I would fade away..."
~Prom Kings

What do you do when there is no one left to turn to, and no one to save you from yourself? You run away. To a new place, a new job, a new hell to call home. At least it's not the one you're already in.
Does no one realize how defeatist that is??

Results

So, last Saturday was the Fall Ball, a fundraiser for the girls walking the 3 Day this year. While I couldn't attend like the previous year, I decided to have my own fun and stay up all night canning tomatoes (why yes, I am a huge dork).

Here are the results (ignore the time stamps on the picture, the camera is about an hour and 10 days ahead):

10:30pm - Starting out:

Midnight - Hard at work:

12:45am - Tired:

1am - Getting these into cans:

2am - By this time we have 2 water baths going:

4:30am - Finally, we're done:

Pictures

So finally, here are the pictures of the result of the apple canning extravaganza with Lucia:

Cleanup:

And now for the starting point for this weekend:

Tomatoes

I am now the proud owner of 75 lbs of tomatoes.
Oh yeah, that's right. And by Sunday, they should all be tucked away in sealed mason jars ;)

Drinking

So, I thought that before, when I was tired and cranky, it was because of alcohol and/or nicotine.
As in, "Ugh, I'm tired and can't focus and don't feel good, it must be because we sat out on the deck last night and had a few beers and a few cigarettes and so I didn't sleep well."
But, I've begun to found that it isn't true. Sure, when I'd WAY overindulge, I'd feel completely crappy, and I knew that was because of drinking/smoking.
But I haven't done either for 3 1/2 weeks now, and I still am tired a lot and still don't sleep well and still need my coffee in order to be anything close to productive.
I think it must be stress then. Stupid stress. And it's not like I can do much to exercise, what with the leg and all, but perhaps I should try some small stuff to see if it helps.
Personally, I think an extended (read: 2o year) tropical vacation would do the trick too, but for some reason I don't see that in my future.

Haircut

Ok, I suppose I should have expected the reaction from the last post :P
The spa day is scheduled to be until 5:30pm, so I suspect that sometime between 4:30-5pm is when the haircut will begin, if you want to be there. It's on a Friday, so you'd have to take off early, but the spa is near MP in Fitchburg, so if you're there, it's a quick jaunt over.
I'll *try* and let my bangs grow out for the next few months, but I make no promises.
Want the sparkly things though.......

Got the spa day scheduled

So on 11/30, I go in at 8am to get my bracelet off. Then at 11am I have a full day at a spa scheduled - 6 1/2 hours of pampering (mmmmmmmmmmmm).
I know you've all noticed that my hair is ridiculously long, and I'm getting a "cut and style" as part of the spa package, so what do you think I should do? I usually just ask for a trim and some shaping, but what about something a bit more dramatic? I need some ideas.
I don't think I'm ready to part with the bangs yet though (get it? "part"? Ha ha, I kill myself).

New stuff to do

Another thing I forgot was that we got this pack of coupons in the mail a couple days ago. It wasn't the val-u-pak ones, and it was addressed to people with really strange names, but hey, whatever. We looked through them and found 3 good things:
1) An advertisement for a cool Japenese resturant on the East Side. I put that in my calendar for December, so we'll try it out then.
2) Found an add for a spa that has an "all day" treatment (probably only like 6 hours) for only $225. M mentioned that I should take 11/30 off from work - I'm getting my bracelet off, and I should go celebrate. I agree. I'm going to go get all worked over and then look completely fabu for when I go out that Friday and then for a party held at Roswell's place on Saturday!
3) There was an advertisement for The Vinery Stained Glass Studio. They have classes where you make stained glass stuff - panels, lampshades, boxes, cabinet door inlays, etc. SOOOO cool. I can't wait until I get off this bracelet, cuz I totally want to try that! I really love stained glass, and how completely awesome would it be to make your own cabinet door inlays for the kitchen of the house that the fiancé and I will buy in a few years???
I also have fabrics squares that I've cut out and have been meaning to sew into a quilt for the past, oh, decade (no, I'm 100% serious). So add this to the canning and scrapbooking and cleaning and selling of stuff that I've been wanting to do, and I've got a lot of options for the way that I spend my time.
Though, I still complain about this bracelet crap to the fiancé and in this blog, and will continue to complain, but at least I'll be a little less vocal about it :P

Canning!

I finally got to do it! I canned a few jars of apple butter and lots of applesauce. This was courtesy of apples that wonderful Lucia picked for me. She did apple butter and also raspberry jam. M did some spaghetti sauce that was spicy and yummy, and claimed one of the jars of apple butter. So now there's like 3 dozen jars sitting on my kitchen table that have been cooling since we finished at like 4:30 yesterday afternoon. I checked this morning, and they all seem to have sealed. Keep your fingers crossed :)
Since our dishwasher is (still) broken, the kitchen is still a disaster area. After getting up at 10am on a Sunday (early!) and then running around doing the canning until 4:30, I was tired. I did a quick mop of the floor and was done. So I need to do that this evening. *sigh*.
However, it was so much fun that I went online and bought a canning pot and a kit with tools (cuz Lucia's was super handy)! I think I'll get that next week, which doesn't help since I'm going to can this weekend again. The fiancé will be gone from Thurs-Sun, and everyone else is traveling, so what's a girl to do? Beg her friend to leave the canning stuff at her house, get 30 lbs of tomatoes from the Farmer's Market, take Friday off, and go nuts. I figure I'll make a spaghetti sauce base, whole tomatoes, and chopped tomatoes on Friday. Then on Saturday I'll do the canning part of it. The dishwasher should be fixed on Friday, BTW. YEY!
The weekend after that, I'm enlisting the fiancé to help can MORE tomatoes. And then who knows. 3 weekends of canning should be enough to satisfy me, and if not, then the tomatoes will probably have run out by then.
I have pictures of everything, but not here with me, so I'll post them tonight or tomorrow night. The kit that I bought also has a cookbook that comes with it, so who knows? Maybe I'll find myself canning more stuff :)

Clarification

Time to clear the air about the wedding :)
The Madison reception at the Hilton in Greenway station will be for everyone we know. You'll be getting a formal invite for that one.
In Rhode Island, a small ceremony will be held in a tent in my parent's back yard. By small, I mean me, the fiancé, the JP (or equivalent), 6 attendants, and 6 family members. All other friends, significant others of those in the wedding party, etc, can join us at the RI reception hall (we'll be sending a limo to the hotel to pick you up and it will also provide transportation back), but the wedding ceremony itself will be strictly the wedding party and family.
Sorry if anyone is confused or annoyed with that decision, but for some reason I can't stand the thought of having people at the wedding. As far as I'm concerned, that's a very private moment that should be shared by myself and my fiancé, and no one else. I'm compromising by having a wedding party and 6 family members there.
Also, if you do wish to come to the RI reception, there's a limited number that we'll be able to accommodate at the reception site (remember people - this was supposed to be small!), so please let me know early if you'd like to come and also if you want to bring anyone - it's first come, first serve.

Soulseeker

"Ask her why, she tells a story
Of the souls lost to tainted glory
The strong survive, that's what she told me
But in her eyes there's only mourning
Oh, people gotta know what she is
Addictive like the drug that she is
And now I got nothing to give
Gave it all just to get away
Oh, people gotta stay far away
Oh dangerous girl don't think she could save
Your life
Your heart
It's a mistake
She's a soulseeker yeah
Can't you see me now, I'm running back
I need her touch again
And she's going to get me
A soulseeker yeah
Can't you see me know, I'm running back
I need her touch again
And she's coming to get me..."
Ronski Speed, Stoneface & Terminal

Whole

When did things become so complicated? Why does everyone feel that they have the right to make unreasonable demands of me? And most of all, why do I need to oblige them?
At least at work I get paid, and so I allow everyone to take, take, take, and I give, give, give. It's never enough in the end, and every day I'm left with a little bit less of myself. That's how I know that this job could never be a career.
But for christssake, my wedding?? Everyone says that "Oh, the wedding isn't for you, it's for everyone else".
Well, FUCK everyone else! My wedding is a wedding where my fiancé and I make vows to each other - it DOES NOT involve anyone else. So excuse me if I don't want total fucking strangers there. Excuse me if I told you very plainly to stop inviting people and you just heard what you wanted and did it anyways.
And most of all, excuse me if you thought I'd just sit back and let you do whatever you wanted. That was a completely idiotic assumption. Just because your marriage sucks does not give you the right to butt into *my* impending marriage.
I WILL NOT back down. If you want a fight, then go for it. I'm exhausted and sick and cold and so drained it's unbelievable, but I do have the resolve to fight for this. And you will lose. You can try all your meddling, manipulative tactics, but I have made sure that you are exposed for what you are.
Try me. You'll lose everything.

Streetcar

"Pieces are raining down on me
We won't wait
We can't believe in this or anything at all
After what you did
Why would I care? Why should I care?
After the pain you caused
Why would I care? Why should I care?
I've waited for this so long
Why would I care? Why should I care?
Loneliness, sadness and solitude
These are a few of the things I've been through
Waiting for anything, everyday
Strange that you don't seem to feel the same way
Write me off, bury me, leave me for dead
Open wide, eat your words, choke on regrets
Look through me
Tragedy's not so bad
Remember what was lost
Taking me down and more
Take all I give to you
Go ahead and take
After what I've been through
I honestly don't care at all
Set up and ready to fall
Let it fall"
~A Thorn for Every Heart

Good things

This morning I came into work for my 7am call with my oh-so-favorite customer, to see a blog post by Lucia about canning. YEY! There will be a canning extravaganza at my house sometime this month, which makes me very happy. I will finally get to try my hand at this.
I wonder if I could convince Lucia to let me try my hand at tomato sauce. That would be interesting. I've already frozen some homemade salsa, but that's not the same as canning.
Also, this morning I got to play with my new espresso machine to make a triple-shot hazelnut latte. w00t! Exciting. And I didn't see Witty's comment about her old espresso machine until AFTER I'd already used mine, so Lucia, you are more than welcome to it.
It's the least I can do in exchange for lugging everything over to my house just so that I can experience the satisfaction of squirreling away food for the winter :)

Short post

Days of sobriety: 7 (and I feel really good - this may be a better idea than I originally thought)
Days of confinement: 4 (at least I get to go to work and talk to other human beings)

1) Lucia rocks for organizing a "surprise" craft night at my place next week, and for coming up with lots of cool ideas to keep me entertained.

2) The fiancé rocks because, since I won't be getting my starbucks fix for a while (I can't make "unauthorized stops" on my way to/from work, and, to my great horror, Starbucks is not an exception *freaking nazis*), he secretly went out and bought me an espresso machine last night.
In lolspeak:
I has nu toy 2 play wif!

Books

Oh yeah, and I'm supposed to post about books I'd like to read.
I admit it - I mostly like fluff. After a long day of using my brain at work, I like to sit down with a book where there's suspense and sex and where everything turns out ok and is wrapped up in a neat little bow in 300 pages. You know, those "romantic suspense" books.
I also like books about people who live fabu wealthy lives in the upper crust of society but who then realize that their life is completely empty and fake and work through that realization. The shopaholic series is one of such type, and then "In Her Shoes" was a really good one.
I'm thinking of finding more books about eating local food since "Animal, Vegetable, Miracle" was so good. I actually bought a copy of that for our "library" (aka one half shelf in a small bookcase) and a poster of the Vegitannual (sp?) that now hangs on the inside of our pantry door :)
But of course, I'm open to trying new things. Pick out books (or DVDs! DVDs are good too) that were really good or you think I'd like/should read, and bring them to work for me or the fiancé to pick up, or bring them over if you feel like hanging out with me for a bit. I'd be forever grateful for any books that any of you wanted to let me borrow. Reading is an escape for me, and I need a lot of it. I've read 2 books in the last 2 days. And I certainly don't have 88 more books laying around.

*growl*

Days of sobriety: 5
Days of confinement: 2

I reported for jail at 7am on Sunday, the 2nd of September. Luckily my plan worked, and I didn't have to stay for 2 days. I had taken today off though, in case the plan didn't work, so I'm home today, chillin by myself. It's not too bad. But then again it is day 2 and I did have a certifiable freak out yesterday, so I should be good for another couple of days.
I got to spend 4 hours there, getting booked and fingerprinted and etc etc etc. Probably about half an hour of time was spent doing anything. The rest of the time was sitting on my ass and watching the police sit around on *their* asses, drinking diet coke and joking around and talking about the finer points of buying a rod for fishing and how much you could spend and what kind of line you'd need blah blah blah blah.
Oh yeah, my tax dollars are really hard at work as they sat there, wasting my f*cking time. I'd love to string each and every single of of them up and then blow what little amount of brains that they have through the back of their skull.
grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
So now I sport the latest in inmate fashion, a pretty jail ID bracelet and a fantabulous monitoring bracelet à la Lindsey Lohan (except this doesn't monitor my BAC).
Anyways.......
I'm trying to look at this as time to spend working on crafts and friendships and relationships, but it's not really working. In truth, I want to go with my fiancé when he goes to the store. I want to be able to run around and do errands after work if I feel like it. I want to be able to stay at work until 8pm like I did all last week. I want to drive my car. And of course, I want to drink. No, not for the reason that you all are probably thinking. I want to drink and do all those other things simply because I can't.
That's something I've always had a problem with. If someone tells me that I can't do something, well screw you. I will. Damnit.
Either way, this time I can't do this or I'll definitely land in jail until November 30th. I get off this stupid bracelet bullshit at 8am on Friday, 11/30. So you know what that means - that Friday I'm going downtown and making up for 3 months of missing the State Street scene. Y'all better be with me, I don't want any excuses. I hope Madison is ready.
Until then, I'm stuck here. If you want craft night on a weekday, just let me know. I'm not the boss of when all this stuff happens, you guys are. Sleep late, you need to let me know what weeknights you're free, and then we'll get this together. Don't worry - it doesn't matter what night you pick. I'll be here :P

Last few days of freedom

It's getting down to the wire, my last few days of being able to do whatever I want, when I want. I've been savoring every moment, but of course, that means I'm thinking about this all the time, which means I've been developing heartburn or an ulcer or something else that makes my stomach not happy. Add that to all the coffee I've been drinking (since I've had trouble sleeping too) and now chips don't even look appetizing, and I've lost 2 pounds in the past week.
Ugh.
I went to the scrapbook store and bought tons of stuff to start a wedding scrapbook. I have some books and will be going to Half Price Books on Saturday to stock up. I've been making a list of movies I want to see and made sure my TiVO is ready for when Grey's Anatomy and Desperate Housewives comes back on. I bought some super cute poker chips for game night and have lots of pictures to make light switch plates from. I've got a list of some new recipes I'd like to try my hand at. The fiancé and I packed up all our wine and scotch bottles that we were using as decorations and will be taking them up to Portage tomorrow.
So, I think I'm as ready as I'm ever going to be.
I am in that stage where I want this to be over with, but I also don't want it to happen. But seeing as how this is going to happen anyways, I guess I should just accept it and brace myself to get through it.
I think that a craft night is a great first activity. Come and do whatever you want - scrapbook, make decorations for PROM, knit, make lightswitch plates, cook (I consider that somewhat craft-like), hell, even paint or sculpt. Who's free the weekend of the 8th? :)

New favorite song

This song has been out for a while, but it's really good. It's called "Catalyst" by Anna Nalick. I think she's known for the song "Breathe (2am)" but this one is better and has been growing on me.

And also, you guys are great, thanks for the support. I bought lots of super cool pink and black poker chips so we can have poker nights. Gotta practice for the bachelorette party in Vegas, baby!

Freaking out

The reality of what is going to happen to me starting on Sunday is really starting to sink in, and I'm starting to freak out about it. The fiancé is going to be gone almost every weekend, and of course there's work trips, so I'm going to be alone and unable to go anywhere a lot during the next few months.
So, this is one of those times where I really need some help from my friends - craft nights, poker nights, movie nights, impromptu dinner partners, etc.
Or else I don't think I'll make it through this with my sanity intact. Picture Jack Nicholson in "The Shining".
Yeah, it's gonna be that bad.
*sigh*

Go back to your pathetic life

Yes, I know you're reading this, because you felt the need to IM me about it, after you'd left illogical and ignorant comments here that I was forced to delete (as I had said I would).
I don't even know who you are, and it'd be really great if you could crawl back under whatever rock it is you came out from under. You know my screen name, which is how you got to this site. You mention URI, so I suppose I met you there. Don't I regret that day. You seem to know the name of one person that I dated while in college, and that relationship has been dead for over 3 years. A very small thing - everyone who I was friends with at URI knew my name was "Jenn" not "Jen", which is what you called me. Your "source" in RI was also wrong about the number of DUIs, so you might want to check your story out before you go posting and sounding like a complete idiot.
Do you think I care that you lift weights or whatever probably made-up word you say you practice now? I don't even know who you are, and your name on Myspace, if it is your real name, rings no bell with me.
If I ever did meet you, you were obviously insignificant to me. And I was ok with that. So go take your insecure, psychotic self and leave me alone. You don't know me and you don't know my life, and I certainly don't need someone preaching at me - it really just gives me a headache.

Weather

It didn't rain for over a month before, and everything was brown. Now we've had heavy rain for something like over 2 weeks now. The grass is growing like gangbusters, and it's not drying out enough for us to mow it. The tomatoes are all splitting. But I am getting 4 more cucumbers from my dying plants, so that's nice.

Anyways, this post isn't totally about the weather. Since it's been so gloomy lately, I've found myself wanting to stay home and putter about. I was just driving to work this morning, thinking about how wonderful it would be to be able to stay home in my PJs with a pot of coffee, and relax. I could plan some more of the wedding, do some crafty stuff, clean up the house, cook all the food that I need to, etc.
Which, of course, isn't me at all. But all the rain and gloominess outside makes inside seem so much cozier, and I find that I very much want to be a homebody lately.

OMFG LOL

Funniest site that I've seen in a looooooooooooong time, courtesy of the fiancé:
http://icanhascheezburger.com/
You have to go check out the pics at a time when you can crack up out loud, because you will. It's really hard trying to hold it in while at work :P

One more thing

Oh yeah, and I finally sorta took Lucia's post to heart. I was pissy so I needed to find something to calm me down, so I decided to give my blog a little bit more personality. I have a new template and I actually put a picture up to remind me why I named this blog the way I did, and the sentiment behind it.
We all need those reminders some days.

Rant

Disclaimer: I'm in a VERY pissy mood right now. This post will therefore reflect said mood.


I'm overworked, overwhelmed, overtired, and overstressed. And it's all because of the stupid home confinement for 3 months that starts in about 2 weeks. It means I can't hang out with friends at any place beside my house. It means I can't drink a single drop of alcohol - and face it, I like a beer or two after a sucky day at work, or when I go out to eat. Oh, wait, I can't go out to eat. I have to eat at my house. But I can't go to the farmer's market or anywhere else to buy my food, the fiancé will have to. I can't go to starbucks on my way to work. I can't speed because they'll be monitoring me by the stupid ankle bracelet. I also have to wear the jail ID bracelet on my wrist. WTF? Why do I have to do that?? So I'd better get used to wearing my wristband so I can hide it. I can't go anywhere (to the bathroom, to meetings) at work or anywhere without my purse which will be carrying my pretty little transmitter. Because as if having to wear BOTH the jail ID wristband and the ankle bracelet weren't enough, I have to carry around a transmitter too. Again, WTF?? I have to be home at 6pm every weekday, and all day on weekends. I have to call the sheriff's office every day I don't go into work until 8:30am instead of 7am, because I have to be here at 7am on Fridays only. I have to call them to get approval to go to the dentist. My life will be call to say I'm not going into work until 8:30am, get a ride to work from my "approved" ride (aka the fiancé), working until 6pm, get a ride home - both ways, while going only the speed limit (who fucking obeys that anyways) because these people apparently have nothing better to do than stare at the little moving dot on the screen that is me, check out my speed, the road I'm on, and the speed limit on that road, and then call me and yell at me to slow down. Then I get to sit at home with nothing to do because I can't do anything, and no alcohol to at least pass the interminable, crushing time.
WTF??????????
I hate these people. I dealt with them while I was in jail for 3 days 3 years ago, and they all have what I like to call "small dick complex". As in, "my dick is so small that I must throw around my hefty weight (mostly from the midsection, might I add) and also my heavy metaphorical I'm-better-than-you-just-because-I-couldn't-cut-it-in-a-normal-college-degree-program-so-I-got-a-criminal-justice-degree-at-a-2-year-college weight to feel better about my lack of worthiness to live".
Yeah, bite me. If you're so much better than me, why do I make at least double what you make? Why am I smarter than you? Why do I not have to resort to being condemming to feel better about myself? And why did I take a job where I actually contribute to society, while you decided to take a position that has a one line description : "Act like a complete asshole - utterly disregard inmates as people - and make up for your lack of masculinity at the same time!"
Yeah, I did something stupid because my alcohol tolerance is GENETICALLY sky high. GENETICS people, nothing I had ANY control over. When most people's bodies would shut down at .277, I'm up, walking around, and getting into my car and driving home, while no one realizes how trashed I am. I don't even remember the last few hours at the bar that night, nevermind driving home or deciding to drive home. So yeah, smooth move. But I've paid for it a thousand times over at a level that none of those idiots could ever even BEGIN to understand. And now they want to throw the book at me and make me a prisioner in my own home with no alcohol for 3 months. You are not better than me. In fact, you are beneath me. And yet you still feel like you have the right to judge me.
Eat me, you waste of space.
Oh, and if any of you feel the need to comment on this and defend these half-brained assholes, don't waste your time. Unless you've spent time in the Dane County Jail as an inmate, you don't have a valid opinion that comes from experience and I *will* delete it.

Shifting interests

So, last night I went to a tasting held by NARAL Pro-Choice WI, and it seemed to include many of my recent interests:
1) Pro-choice activism
2) Getting out and trying new things
3) Local food (wine, beer, cheese and chocolate were offered and it was all local)
It was an interesting time - I don't regret going, but I don't know if I'd go in the future. I donate a lot of money, and maybe I'll start donating time too, we'll see.
Then this morning my fiancé asked me "Do you look forward to the weekend?"
Well, yeah. Duh. It's the weekend where I can sleep in and do fun things (like tear up the town, which I did with Ding last Saturday night, and which was a RIDICULOUS amount of fun). He confessed that he didn't - cuz there was all this stuff to do. We need to cook a large amount of food that we got at the farmer's market, clean the fish's tank, do tons of laundry, and we're going to the Sweet Corn Festival in Sun Prarie.
To me, that was a silly reason to not like the weekend, and it got me thinking.
Before the accident, I gave money to NARAL and Planned Parenthood, but I didn't go to any events or think about volunteering. I didn't go out as much and do many things with the girls and the group, and I did all my grocery shopping at Copps instead of taking advantage of the farmer's market.
The other morning, the fiancé said that he was impressed with me and my dedication to the Farmer's Market - we haven't missed a Wednesday since we started going (and I'm not known for getting up early if I don't have to). And I was talking to my mom the other week about the homemade mozzerella and the fact that we got all our veggies and meat and milk and eggs from local sources, and telling her about our garden on the deck, and the fact that we fed the fiancé's parents a HUGE 4 course meal, with 90% of stuff from the FM, and how cool it was, and she was like "Wow Jenn, you've really changed". And she meant it in a good way.
So yeah, my interests have shifted, and it's all because I can't wear high heels and because I realized how important friends are to have. I used to rely on being pretty to get attention and I had a killer pair of legs. Now I have a screwed up leg that barely works and scars on my face. I needed a new set of interests to go with my new life. Local food, activism and trying new things to broaden my horizons all seemed like interests that were bigger than me, and focusing on them helped get my mind off me, and all the things wrong with me.
Seriously, the fact that I can't wear high heels is the biggest blow to me emotionally. Silly, I know, but it really really really hurts.
So, instead of pushing people away, I'm trying to let them in. Instead of focusing on me, I'm trying to focus on the bigger picture.
It's a long journey, and it's hard, but I actually think it's paying off.

Drinking

Lots of posts about drinking lately, so I'm adding mine.
I can't drink from Sept 1 to Dec 2 (rough dates, and there's to be no alcohol or containers in the house). And it seems that people don't want to hold events at my house because they won't be able to bring alcohol in and drink. What does that say about us?

Quick note

No, you don't have to worry about anything. Today was an angsty day, but it will pass, as they all do, without any general interruption in the normal flow of things.
Thanks for the concern though, and sorry for the worry :)


PS - I just found the hyperlink button! Now I've learned how the others do the cool links in their posts. Sweet.

She's still here

The person inside of me who I thought I'd banished. She's still here.
Alone today, I started reading through my book of essays/poems that I've kept for over a decade now. Most of the poems were about all the anguish and angst that I'd lived through, and reading it made me realize that that person, the angst-filled, unhappy girl who wanted to die never left.
I thought I'd gotten through it. I'm in a stable relationship with a person who is my best friend. I have my own job, my own place to live, my own life. I'd started really settling down. I'm making a ridiculous amount of money and not going out every weekend to drink and drown my sorrows.
But the truth of the matter is that she never gave up, she never left me, and she's still there, and I hate that part of me is still the suicidal wild child. And I hate that some days I morph back into that girl - that she still has to come out and make me miserable and prove that I'll never be truely ok.

"I hate what I have become to escape what I hated being"
~Marilyn Manson

"But the girl on car in the parking lot says
man you should try to take a shot
Cant you see my walls are crumbling?
Then she looks up at the building and says shes thinking of jumping
She says shes tired of life
She must be tired of something..."
~Counting Crows

Concert on the Square

I attended my first COTS last night, as part of an event I organized for the team I'm on at work. It was really fun, but mostly because I got to leave work early to go lay outside on the capital lawn on a nice (if somewhat warm) day. And then I got to hang out with cool people from work and play a new card game and also get invited to the weekly games (always cool to get more things on the social calendar). The music was ok, but I just think that for me, the big bonus was sitting outside, meeting new people, and playing fun games.
It was the last one this year, so there are no more. Maybe next year I'll go with a smaller group and see how it is.

Cheese!!

Ok, so in one of my previous posts, where I was waxing all poetic about the wonders of Ms. Kingsolver's book Animal, Vegetable, Miracle, I mention that I was all fired up because I bought a kit to make my own mozzarella, but since then I haven't talked about it.
I kinda forgot and got all not fired up and I've been too busy.
But yesterday, the fiancé was coming home from spending 3 days in Vegas, and I was all excited to see him, and I had a bunch of tomatoes from the garden lining my kitchen window - so I stuck some chardonney in the fridge to chill and decided to make the cheese so we could eat a caprese salad when he got home.
Well, I tried to do it. It supposedly only takes 30 minutes. First off, let me tell you that it takes longer than 30 minutes. Though, if you don't screw up the first batch and have to wash everything, run out to the store to get ANOTHER gallon of milk, and then restart, it might take like 45 minutes to an hour. Took me over an hour and a half :P
I think I didn't dissolve the citric acid enough in the first batch, and then heated it too much, so it didn't hold together at all.
There's something wrong when your mozzarella looks like ricotta.
So, for the second batch, I was super diligent and careful. The curds will not be holding together after you heat the milk, but you have to try to scoop them out into a bowl and remove as much of the whey (liquid stuff) as you can. It took me like 15 minutes to just do that part.
Then you microwave, drain, knead, microwave, drain, knead, microwave, knead, stretch, microwave, stretch, shape - and then you drop it in ice water and you're done! It's when you microwave it that it starts to actually look like mozzarella. The ice water is key too. Gotta leave it in there for longer than 5 minutes (learned that one real quick).
So we dined on our most homemade meal to date - basil and tomatoes we'd grown along with mozzarella that I made and damn it was good! We drizzled some olive oil, balsamic vinegar and salt and pepper on it and I was so impressed with myself. It tasted almost like the store bought stuff, and I only ruined one batch before I got it right!
They also say that whey is pretty good plant food, so we strained it and dumped it on the plants in the hope that it will help them grow.
This weekend the fiancé's parents are coming down for dinner, so I think I will make fresh mozzarella since his mom always has to prove she can do stuff better than me - but she's never made her own cheese! HAH!
Yeah, it's petty, what can I say? It's the little things :P