Last few days of freedom

It's getting down to the wire, my last few days of being able to do whatever I want, when I want. I've been savoring every moment, but of course, that means I'm thinking about this all the time, which means I've been developing heartburn or an ulcer or something else that makes my stomach not happy. Add that to all the coffee I've been drinking (since I've had trouble sleeping too) and now chips don't even look appetizing, and I've lost 2 pounds in the past week.
Ugh.
I went to the scrapbook store and bought tons of stuff to start a wedding scrapbook. I have some books and will be going to Half Price Books on Saturday to stock up. I've been making a list of movies I want to see and made sure my TiVO is ready for when Grey's Anatomy and Desperate Housewives comes back on. I bought some super cute poker chips for game night and have lots of pictures to make light switch plates from. I've got a list of some new recipes I'd like to try my hand at. The fiancé and I packed up all our wine and scotch bottles that we were using as decorations and will be taking them up to Portage tomorrow.
So, I think I'm as ready as I'm ever going to be.
I am in that stage where I want this to be over with, but I also don't want it to happen. But seeing as how this is going to happen anyways, I guess I should just accept it and brace myself to get through it.
I think that a craft night is a great first activity. Come and do whatever you want - scrapbook, make decorations for PROM, knit, make lightswitch plates, cook (I consider that somewhat craft-like), hell, even paint or sculpt. Who's free the weekend of the 8th? :)

New favorite song

This song has been out for a while, but it's really good. It's called "Catalyst" by Anna Nalick. I think she's known for the song "Breathe (2am)" but this one is better and has been growing on me.

And also, you guys are great, thanks for the support. I bought lots of super cool pink and black poker chips so we can have poker nights. Gotta practice for the bachelorette party in Vegas, baby!

Freaking out

The reality of what is going to happen to me starting on Sunday is really starting to sink in, and I'm starting to freak out about it. The fiancé is going to be gone almost every weekend, and of course there's work trips, so I'm going to be alone and unable to go anywhere a lot during the next few months.
So, this is one of those times where I really need some help from my friends - craft nights, poker nights, movie nights, impromptu dinner partners, etc.
Or else I don't think I'll make it through this with my sanity intact. Picture Jack Nicholson in "The Shining".
Yeah, it's gonna be that bad.
*sigh*

Go back to your pathetic life

Yes, I know you're reading this, because you felt the need to IM me about it, after you'd left illogical and ignorant comments here that I was forced to delete (as I had said I would).
I don't even know who you are, and it'd be really great if you could crawl back under whatever rock it is you came out from under. You know my screen name, which is how you got to this site. You mention URI, so I suppose I met you there. Don't I regret that day. You seem to know the name of one person that I dated while in college, and that relationship has been dead for over 3 years. A very small thing - everyone who I was friends with at URI knew my name was "Jenn" not "Jen", which is what you called me. Your "source" in RI was also wrong about the number of DUIs, so you might want to check your story out before you go posting and sounding like a complete idiot.
Do you think I care that you lift weights or whatever probably made-up word you say you practice now? I don't even know who you are, and your name on Myspace, if it is your real name, rings no bell with me.
If I ever did meet you, you were obviously insignificant to me. And I was ok with that. So go take your insecure, psychotic self and leave me alone. You don't know me and you don't know my life, and I certainly don't need someone preaching at me - it really just gives me a headache.

Weather

It didn't rain for over a month before, and everything was brown. Now we've had heavy rain for something like over 2 weeks now. The grass is growing like gangbusters, and it's not drying out enough for us to mow it. The tomatoes are all splitting. But I am getting 4 more cucumbers from my dying plants, so that's nice.

Anyways, this post isn't totally about the weather. Since it's been so gloomy lately, I've found myself wanting to stay home and putter about. I was just driving to work this morning, thinking about how wonderful it would be to be able to stay home in my PJs with a pot of coffee, and relax. I could plan some more of the wedding, do some crafty stuff, clean up the house, cook all the food that I need to, etc.
Which, of course, isn't me at all. But all the rain and gloominess outside makes inside seem so much cozier, and I find that I very much want to be a homebody lately.

OMFG LOL

Funniest site that I've seen in a looooooooooooong time, courtesy of the fiancé:
http://icanhascheezburger.com/
You have to go check out the pics at a time when you can crack up out loud, because you will. It's really hard trying to hold it in while at work :P

One more thing

Oh yeah, and I finally sorta took Lucia's post to heart. I was pissy so I needed to find something to calm me down, so I decided to give my blog a little bit more personality. I have a new template and I actually put a picture up to remind me why I named this blog the way I did, and the sentiment behind it.
We all need those reminders some days.

Rant

Disclaimer: I'm in a VERY pissy mood right now. This post will therefore reflect said mood.


I'm overworked, overwhelmed, overtired, and overstressed. And it's all because of the stupid home confinement for 3 months that starts in about 2 weeks. It means I can't hang out with friends at any place beside my house. It means I can't drink a single drop of alcohol - and face it, I like a beer or two after a sucky day at work, or when I go out to eat. Oh, wait, I can't go out to eat. I have to eat at my house. But I can't go to the farmer's market or anywhere else to buy my food, the fiancé will have to. I can't go to starbucks on my way to work. I can't speed because they'll be monitoring me by the stupid ankle bracelet. I also have to wear the jail ID bracelet on my wrist. WTF? Why do I have to do that?? So I'd better get used to wearing my wristband so I can hide it. I can't go anywhere (to the bathroom, to meetings) at work or anywhere without my purse which will be carrying my pretty little transmitter. Because as if having to wear BOTH the jail ID wristband and the ankle bracelet weren't enough, I have to carry around a transmitter too. Again, WTF?? I have to be home at 6pm every weekday, and all day on weekends. I have to call the sheriff's office every day I don't go into work until 8:30am instead of 7am, because I have to be here at 7am on Fridays only. I have to call them to get approval to go to the dentist. My life will be call to say I'm not going into work until 8:30am, get a ride to work from my "approved" ride (aka the fiancé), working until 6pm, get a ride home - both ways, while going only the speed limit (who fucking obeys that anyways) because these people apparently have nothing better to do than stare at the little moving dot on the screen that is me, check out my speed, the road I'm on, and the speed limit on that road, and then call me and yell at me to slow down. Then I get to sit at home with nothing to do because I can't do anything, and no alcohol to at least pass the interminable, crushing time.
WTF??????????
I hate these people. I dealt with them while I was in jail for 3 days 3 years ago, and they all have what I like to call "small dick complex". As in, "my dick is so small that I must throw around my hefty weight (mostly from the midsection, might I add) and also my heavy metaphorical I'm-better-than-you-just-because-I-couldn't-cut-it-in-a-normal-college-degree-program-so-I-got-a-criminal-justice-degree-at-a-2-year-college weight to feel better about my lack of worthiness to live".
Yeah, bite me. If you're so much better than me, why do I make at least double what you make? Why am I smarter than you? Why do I not have to resort to being condemming to feel better about myself? And why did I take a job where I actually contribute to society, while you decided to take a position that has a one line description : "Act like a complete asshole - utterly disregard inmates as people - and make up for your lack of masculinity at the same time!"
Yeah, I did something stupid because my alcohol tolerance is GENETICALLY sky high. GENETICS people, nothing I had ANY control over. When most people's bodies would shut down at .277, I'm up, walking around, and getting into my car and driving home, while no one realizes how trashed I am. I don't even remember the last few hours at the bar that night, nevermind driving home or deciding to drive home. So yeah, smooth move. But I've paid for it a thousand times over at a level that none of those idiots could ever even BEGIN to understand. And now they want to throw the book at me and make me a prisioner in my own home with no alcohol for 3 months. You are not better than me. In fact, you are beneath me. And yet you still feel like you have the right to judge me.
Eat me, you waste of space.
Oh, and if any of you feel the need to comment on this and defend these half-brained assholes, don't waste your time. Unless you've spent time in the Dane County Jail as an inmate, you don't have a valid opinion that comes from experience and I *will* delete it.

Shifting interests

So, last night I went to a tasting held by NARAL Pro-Choice WI, and it seemed to include many of my recent interests:
1) Pro-choice activism
2) Getting out and trying new things
3) Local food (wine, beer, cheese and chocolate were offered and it was all local)
It was an interesting time - I don't regret going, but I don't know if I'd go in the future. I donate a lot of money, and maybe I'll start donating time too, we'll see.
Then this morning my fiancé asked me "Do you look forward to the weekend?"
Well, yeah. Duh. It's the weekend where I can sleep in and do fun things (like tear up the town, which I did with Ding last Saturday night, and which was a RIDICULOUS amount of fun). He confessed that he didn't - cuz there was all this stuff to do. We need to cook a large amount of food that we got at the farmer's market, clean the fish's tank, do tons of laundry, and we're going to the Sweet Corn Festival in Sun Prarie.
To me, that was a silly reason to not like the weekend, and it got me thinking.
Before the accident, I gave money to NARAL and Planned Parenthood, but I didn't go to any events or think about volunteering. I didn't go out as much and do many things with the girls and the group, and I did all my grocery shopping at Copps instead of taking advantage of the farmer's market.
The other morning, the fiancé said that he was impressed with me and my dedication to the Farmer's Market - we haven't missed a Wednesday since we started going (and I'm not known for getting up early if I don't have to). And I was talking to my mom the other week about the homemade mozzerella and the fact that we got all our veggies and meat and milk and eggs from local sources, and telling her about our garden on the deck, and the fact that we fed the fiancé's parents a HUGE 4 course meal, with 90% of stuff from the FM, and how cool it was, and she was like "Wow Jenn, you've really changed". And she meant it in a good way.
So yeah, my interests have shifted, and it's all because I can't wear high heels and because I realized how important friends are to have. I used to rely on being pretty to get attention and I had a killer pair of legs. Now I have a screwed up leg that barely works and scars on my face. I needed a new set of interests to go with my new life. Local food, activism and trying new things to broaden my horizons all seemed like interests that were bigger than me, and focusing on them helped get my mind off me, and all the things wrong with me.
Seriously, the fact that I can't wear high heels is the biggest blow to me emotionally. Silly, I know, but it really really really hurts.
So, instead of pushing people away, I'm trying to let them in. Instead of focusing on me, I'm trying to focus on the bigger picture.
It's a long journey, and it's hard, but I actually think it's paying off.

Drinking

Lots of posts about drinking lately, so I'm adding mine.
I can't drink from Sept 1 to Dec 2 (rough dates, and there's to be no alcohol or containers in the house). And it seems that people don't want to hold events at my house because they won't be able to bring alcohol in and drink. What does that say about us?

Quick note

No, you don't have to worry about anything. Today was an angsty day, but it will pass, as they all do, without any general interruption in the normal flow of things.
Thanks for the concern though, and sorry for the worry :)


PS - I just found the hyperlink button! Now I've learned how the others do the cool links in their posts. Sweet.

She's still here

The person inside of me who I thought I'd banished. She's still here.
Alone today, I started reading through my book of essays/poems that I've kept for over a decade now. Most of the poems were about all the anguish and angst that I'd lived through, and reading it made me realize that that person, the angst-filled, unhappy girl who wanted to die never left.
I thought I'd gotten through it. I'm in a stable relationship with a person who is my best friend. I have my own job, my own place to live, my own life. I'd started really settling down. I'm making a ridiculous amount of money and not going out every weekend to drink and drown my sorrows.
But the truth of the matter is that she never gave up, she never left me, and she's still there, and I hate that part of me is still the suicidal wild child. And I hate that some days I morph back into that girl - that she still has to come out and make me miserable and prove that I'll never be truely ok.

"I hate what I have become to escape what I hated being"
~Marilyn Manson

"But the girl on car in the parking lot says
man you should try to take a shot
Cant you see my walls are crumbling?
Then she looks up at the building and says shes thinking of jumping
She says shes tired of life
She must be tired of something..."
~Counting Crows

Concert on the Square

I attended my first COTS last night, as part of an event I organized for the team I'm on at work. It was really fun, but mostly because I got to leave work early to go lay outside on the capital lawn on a nice (if somewhat warm) day. And then I got to hang out with cool people from work and play a new card game and also get invited to the weekly games (always cool to get more things on the social calendar). The music was ok, but I just think that for me, the big bonus was sitting outside, meeting new people, and playing fun games.
It was the last one this year, so there are no more. Maybe next year I'll go with a smaller group and see how it is.