Wedding

I give up. I don't want a stupid wedding, and I'm just doing this stuff for my parents and the fiancé's parents, and they're making it so difficult. I'm sick of the drama and the stress, and I can't believe this is such a big deal but at the same time something so small.
I want to have me in a white dress. I want Damon in a nice tux. And I want one person to say a few words so that we can get the tax benefits of being married. That's it.
I don't want to spend tens of thousands of dollars on something that doesn't even mean that much to me.
But this is one of those things you just *do*, and everyone is expecting something. I can't possibly live up to everyone expectations at once, including mine and Damon's. We're the most important people here.
If we do something super simple, some people might think less of us. But the important people won't - the important people will accept our wedding as an expression of us, and I just don't want the drama anymore.

Day 53

Day 53 of home confinement. Whee.
Spent last night trying my hand at a 1000 piece puzzle with the fiancé. I think we got about 5% of it done before we gave up and watched TV instead. I had no idea the pieces were going to be that small :P
Been doing some wedding planning also. Grueling. Anyone want to take that over for me?
Bueller? Bueller?
And also, who wants to get together and play poker sometime? I know everyone is busy, but I've been having an itch to play that lately and get some use out of my sweet pink and black chips :)
Or, we could hold a game night if that catches people's interest...

Essay of the week

I've been slacking on this whole essay thing, but I am at least managing to get this in before the deadline.
So, who are my people? Like the others, I'm having a hard time putting this into words. I don't have any general ethnic group with which I identify, I don't belong to any other sort of groups, and I like my family but don't really feel like they're my people (they fall more into the "in my corner, have my back" sort of category).
The best I can come up with is that my people are my friends, so here's what I think defines them:
1) Completed college and are pretty darn smart
2) Sort of geeky (sorry, but I did meet most of you while working at a software company, and besides, it's a compliment)
3) They have a wide variety of interests and are continually introducing me to new subjects without ever being pushy about interests they are hardcore into
4) Love to go out and have fun with friends
5) Can make the simplest night of hanging out and chatting really fun
6) Love kareoke
8) Never care about what's "in" or the "new hotspot" or "being seen"
9) Take care of each other when the chips are down

I actually think it's really awesome that I can't 100% classify who my people are. They're too diverse to pin down with one observation. But the one constant is that they care about me and I care about them.

Pumpkins galore

So, I did end up making the pumpkin soup last weekend, but I don't recommend it. I ended up throwing some leftover pieces of ham in it to give it some substance - it was a really thin soup. Not really the comforting, autumn soup that I wanted. Having it in the pumpkin itself did look kinda cool though, right after I took it out of the oven and before it began listing to the side, Leaning-Tower-of-Piza style.
Also, this Sunday will be pumpkin carving at my place at 1pm - come empty handed or bring your own, whichever you want. We'll have extras.
And on a completely unrelated note, I'm trying to keep my eye on 11/30. Today is day 45 - I'm halfway done with home confinement. I'm thinking of hitting up Peppermill Grill on the west side for dinner and drinks after the spa and before heading downtown. Let me know if you want to come, or if you have other suggestions for dinner. It promises to be a fun night :)

The Burning Red

There is a sadness that weighs heavy on me lately, and I've found myself sobbing like my heart would break way too often in the past few weeks.
The fiancé think that this will go away when I am off home confinement, but I don't know. I feel so broken, and I don't know how to fix it. Having my freedom taken away is certainly very very hard, and the fact that I can't drink means I'm clear-headed all the time and can't get away from this. It would be nice to have the sharp edges blurred sometimes, because they hurt. And sometimes it's too much.
I'm really scared that I'm becoming depressed again. As I told the fiancé, something about my sadness has changed in the past week. It feels like it's settled into my very bones. He wants me to see someone about this, but I don't know what to tell him. The only thing right now that would make me feel better would be to get my leg back, not to open up old wounds with someone I don't know.
I want my old life back - I traveled for work a lot, I wore my kick-ass Manolos, I was engaged, I worked out, I was making a lot of money, got a great Christmas bonus, wore heels out and danced and commanded the attention of every male in the room. I was in control of my life.
Now I don't exercise, I can't travel, I can't wear heels. I can't go to the grocery store and buy food for the house - I fail even in the domestic side of my life. Instead I try to fill the emptiness with someone who loves me, friends, the local food scene (vicariously), scrapbooking, cooking and, soon, working with stained glass.
But it doesn't work. I want the validation that I got from looking hot and all the attention. I want the validation I felt when I went to a customer site and knew what I was doing and led a meeting with people who had all been in the business 20 years longer than me - and the fact that they were looking to *me* for guidence and help. I want to go out with my friends again and socialize and eat good food and drink all night.
But I'm here, in my house, alone. I can't go anywhere, there's no one for me to talk to and nothing I want to do.
And again, I find myself feeling like my soul is breaking. And I can't make it stop.

"I see the sun begin to rise
And I'm blinded too
I've seen the world through jaded eyes
That I'm crying through
I watch the darkness hypnotize
And can't fight it
Caress the needle prick in my eye
The tears fell like rain
I've rode the phoenix as she glides
And I've gone insane
I've seen the light of suicide
And I'm dying
Hold on, I'm falling
Can't breathe anymore
An ocean has opened
These scars need to heal over
Colder and colder
Just hold onto me"
~Machinehead

Some quick notes

This weekend the fiancé will be running a marathon up north. In the spirit of doing something adventurous with him (since I can't be there, *sniff*), I'm going to try to make pumpkin soup in the pumpkin shell itself, Animal, Vegetable, Miracle style (http://www.animalvegetablemiracle.com/Pumpkin%20Soup.pdf). (Ok, so it's not as adventerous as running 26.2 miles, but he's already done it once, which totally lowers the adventurous-ness of it in my book.) If you read the book, you know that her pumpkin collapsed and she had to do some hasty repairs. I hope that mine will turn out better. We had a rotisserie chicken this week, so I used the leftovers to create chicken stock to use in the soup - I hope it will taste good. And hey, since the fiancé won't be around all weekend, I need something to do to keep myself entertained.
And my bangs are driving me nuts.

Fade

"Watch me turn away
From the lies that I will never take
And watch me walk away
From the loneliness I feel today
I'll turn and fade
I'll fade away
I can't take the pain
Of where we laid
Watch me run away
From the tears that drown out my faith
And watch me walk away
From the face that always has to say
I'm gonna change...
Its all ok...
Just one more take...
Don't run away
And watch me turn a page
On the past that I cannot escape
And watch me find a way
To never have to hurt again
It's gonna change
I'll make a place
It's over now
So hear me say
Watch me run away
Why did you turn and fade?
So you tell me that you love me
So you're telling me that you'll throw it all away
I just can't turn and fade away
So I tell you that I love you
So I tell you that you're throwing it away
As I pray for you to fade
I'll be free from all your chains
You tell me that you love me
You tell me that you need me
You tell me that you want me
You tell me that you care
Do you want me?
Tell me do you need me?
Baby do you love me?
You dont care
I don't care
I never thought that you would be
The one that I could never see
I never thought that I would fade away..."
~Prom Kings

What do you do when there is no one left to turn to, and no one to save you from yourself? You run away. To a new place, a new job, a new hell to call home. At least it's not the one you're already in.
Does no one realize how defeatist that is??

Results

So, last Saturday was the Fall Ball, a fundraiser for the girls walking the 3 Day this year. While I couldn't attend like the previous year, I decided to have my own fun and stay up all night canning tomatoes (why yes, I am a huge dork).

Here are the results (ignore the time stamps on the picture, the camera is about an hour and 10 days ahead):

10:30pm - Starting out:

Midnight - Hard at work:

12:45am - Tired:

1am - Getting these into cans:

2am - By this time we have 2 water baths going:

4:30am - Finally, we're done: