So, the name of this blog is Never Give Up, started last Friday because work was bad.
And I don't mean bad, as in man, I'm glad that day is over. I'm not talking about bad as wow, I would give my left arm to not have to go through that again. I wouldn't even say that it was I'll give up my first born to erase that day from my memory bad.
No, it was the first-seeds-of-doubt-that-this-isn't-right-anymore bad.
This job is the whole reason why I came to WI right out of college (well, that and to escape RI, but that's a whole other chapter). So for as long as I've been here, my life has been pretty much defined by work. Who I'm friends with, where I live, where I shop, what doctors I see,how I view different things now, even who my fiance is has all been influenced by work. Which, until now, has been fine. Things were hectic, but that's what I live for. That's my caffiene. That's how I get things done.
But on Friday, in the space of 1/2 an hour, things went from hectic-but-doable to holy-christ-run-away bad - and that's exactly what I did. I ran home at 4pm because I couldn't face work for one more minute.
Now, this week I'm traveling to a customer site, so I'm not in the office, which is the exact place that I DO NOT want to be at this time (so I guess that part works out). And having most of the weekend off (but having to travel on Memorial Day, yey) and then having this week out here in beautiful VA is helping me gain perspective, but it's not the perspective I want.
Friday really blew me away. Its the first time in 3 1/2 years that I've doubted my decision to come out here and do this. Work has blown away my confidence in all areas of my life, since so many areas depend on it and how I define myself in a large way comes from it. It's stopped being fun or even challenging - it's become something that I dread more than I dread sawing off my own leg with a hack saw.
So I don't want to give up - but I don't want to be completely miserable because of this hated bullshit that makes me want to puke every time I even think about it. So that begs the question - when is it ok to give up?
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3 comments:
I hear ya...there is a part of me that thinks (well, knows) that I can't keep doing this long term. I get bored...I'm getting bored. Sounds like you are too. Maybe moving around to something new to get rid of the bordom...but you know the choas is never going to go away.
Making a new decision isn't "giving up." Well, I guess it kind of is if you have a baby and think "Hm, this isn't for me anymore" after a few months. But work isn't a kid. Or a marriage. Or a friendship. Or, I've discovered, even your insurance plan. So it definitely shouldn't be how you define yourself, nor should it take over the rest of your life. If you change your job, you will have done just that - change your job. Not your whole life and who you are. PS, this is not advocacy to quit your job, just wise old woman words from someone who knows from recent personal experience that you'll be unable to make any decisions or even think clearly until you can say, "Self, it's *just* a job."
Ok, that's a good point. Both of you have wise words that give me something to start thinking about :)
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