The Burning Red

There is a sadness that weighs heavy on me lately, and I've found myself sobbing like my heart would break way too often in the past few weeks.
The fiancé think that this will go away when I am off home confinement, but I don't know. I feel so broken, and I don't know how to fix it. Having my freedom taken away is certainly very very hard, and the fact that I can't drink means I'm clear-headed all the time and can't get away from this. It would be nice to have the sharp edges blurred sometimes, because they hurt. And sometimes it's too much.
I'm really scared that I'm becoming depressed again. As I told the fiancé, something about my sadness has changed in the past week. It feels like it's settled into my very bones. He wants me to see someone about this, but I don't know what to tell him. The only thing right now that would make me feel better would be to get my leg back, not to open up old wounds with someone I don't know.
I want my old life back - I traveled for work a lot, I wore my kick-ass Manolos, I was engaged, I worked out, I was making a lot of money, got a great Christmas bonus, wore heels out and danced and commanded the attention of every male in the room. I was in control of my life.
Now I don't exercise, I can't travel, I can't wear heels. I can't go to the grocery store and buy food for the house - I fail even in the domestic side of my life. Instead I try to fill the emptiness with someone who loves me, friends, the local food scene (vicariously), scrapbooking, cooking and, soon, working with stained glass.
But it doesn't work. I want the validation that I got from looking hot and all the attention. I want the validation I felt when I went to a customer site and knew what I was doing and led a meeting with people who had all been in the business 20 years longer than me - and the fact that they were looking to *me* for guidence and help. I want to go out with my friends again and socialize and eat good food and drink all night.
But I'm here, in my house, alone. I can't go anywhere, there's no one for me to talk to and nothing I want to do.
And again, I find myself feeling like my soul is breaking. And I can't make it stop.

"I see the sun begin to rise
And I'm blinded too
I've seen the world through jaded eyes
That I'm crying through
I watch the darkness hypnotize
And can't fight it
Caress the needle prick in my eye
The tears fell like rain
I've rode the phoenix as she glides
And I've gone insane
I've seen the light of suicide
And I'm dying
Hold on, I'm falling
Can't breathe anymore
An ocean has opened
These scars need to heal over
Colder and colder
Just hold onto me"
~Machinehead