I'M FREE!

Free free free free free free!!!!!!
Got the bracelet snipped off at five minutes of eight this morning, and then the (tentative) fiancé and I stopped at McDonald's and then Starbucks to celebrate!
As far as tentative, let's just say we talked and relieved some stress last night. We're starting over again, and testing the waters for a month.
But, as far as today goes, I'm off to the spa for an all-day appointment, then it's dinner at the Old Fashioned, then salsa dancing at Frida. Could this day get any better??

Mice, part II

No, I wasn't allowed to go back to bed and have a nice, peaceful night.
I was woken up at 5:30am by the sound of my cat running around. Again. And so I had to get up and see what was going on. Again.
And he had a mouse. Again.
This time, I was running around trying to get him to catch the mouse again so I could somehow herd them downstairs and capture the mouse downstairs - AGAIN. I was of course, screeching again, and actually did it so hard that I really hurt my throat :(
But Sam was now bored with his nu toy, and the mouse disappeared somewhere in the vicinity of the fireplace.
Augh!
I went back to bed - and this time I closed the door and then had dreams about catching mice for the next 90 minutes of sleep that I got.
Ugh.

My lovely cat, the great hunter

It is 1:30 in the morning and I was just woken up by my loudly meowing cat wandering into my bedroom. Fearing something was wrong because he never does that, and plus it just sounded strange, I got up and followed him to the living room.
Seeing him crouched down, I figured he was probably gonna puke, cuz he does that sometimes. Too tired to care, I just moved him forward a few inches from the carpet to the linoleum floor so it'd be easy to clean up, and turned to go to bed - then registered that I'd seen something weird near his mouth. I ran downstairs after him to see what was going on with him, when he dropped a LIVE MOUSE on the floor!!

Eeeeeeeeeeeeek!
Of course, Sam was having fun. He had nu toy. He kept grabbing it then dropping it then finding it when it hid and running after it when it tried to run away. So, yelling and hopping around like a complete girl, I kept trying to grab at the cat and get him away from the mouse, which Sam was having NONE of. This meant, of course, that I was near the mouse - and he RAN OVER MY FOOT! Ewwwww!
I finally got the cat away and he's now in my bedroom, meowing to be let out because he wants to play more, but I felt so bad for the mouse, since Sam wasn't killing it, just hurting it. I called the (ex?) fiancé at the motel because I didn't know what to do - Sam's litterbox is downstairs so I don't want to completely close it off, and plus the mouse disappeared around said litterbox - and I can't help but think that Sam found this mouse upstairs, since he brought it into the bedroom to let me know about it, and I know that mice can go up stairs, so even if it's downstairs I'm not safe without closing the doors.

So I need to go back downstairs and get the litterbox from the clutches of evil insomniac mouse, then try to sleep without freaking out about mice climbing into bed with me.

EWWWWWWW!!

Skeptics and True Believers

"Don't be so scared, we will not lead
you on like you've been doing for weeks
So you're selfish, and I'm sorry
When I'm gone you'll be going nowhere fast
Nowhere fast, nowhere fast
Don't be so scared to take a second for reflection
To take a leave of absence, see what you're made of
So I'm selfish and you're sorry
When I'm gone you'll be going nowhere fast
So who's selfish and who's sorry?
Someone, somewhere said somethings that may have sparked some sympathy
But don't believe, don't believe a word you've heard about me.
Don't be so scared, it's harder for me.
Would you believe me if I said I didn't need you?
Cause I wouldn't believe you if you said the same to me
Near death, last breath, and barely hanging on
Would you believe me if I said I didn't need you?"
~The Academy Is

"I was always very clear about what I wanted, and he...wasn't.
And there's no way to build a future on that."

Pain

If I did the right thing, why does it hurt so much?
Sad kitty doesn't know what to do to get back to being happy :'(

Broken

I am so broken. My heart is broken because my engagement is broken and my relationship is gone and I don't know how to get it back without sacrificing my happiness.
But I don't want to have to do this all over. I don't want to live alone in an apartment. I don't want to have to start again.
What's my alternative? An emotionally abusive relationship?
2007 will be remembered as the year that has taken everything away from me. What's next? Will my father, who I called at 3am EST and talked to until 5am EST because I didn't want to be alone, die in a horrible car accident?
I have always tried to be a good person. Why is this year so hard?

"I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away
I keep your photograph, I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain
The worst is over now and we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away
There's so much left to learn, and no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain
'Cause I'm broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I am strong enough
'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away..."
~Seether feat. Amy Lee

X

http://www.angelfire.com/goth/Leona/x.html

Angst

Suddenly, I'm a teenager again. Not able to go anywhere, no ring on my finger, living in a house of contempt and hiding away in my cold, dark room, listening to Type O Negative, trying to let the pain out. Trying to find some reason not to, but failing miserably. Staring at my shaking hand and giving up, after so long.
I am 15 again.

One week!

I am feeling soooooooooooooo much better about everything today.
The stress of Thanksgiving and the first get-together with the in-laws since the wedding fiasco is now over - and it wasn't half bad. I cooked up a storm - 3.5 hours on Wednesday and then about 2.5 on Thursday morning, so we had a *lot* of different dishes. The fiancé was super helpful too, even getting up at 5am with me to turn the turkey over that we had brining in the garage (though we did go back to bed for 5 more hours after that).
The pasture-raised organic turkey breast (seriously just a turkey w/the wings and legs removed) was expensive, but OMG, it was fabulous! I think the brining really helped, you could taste the fall flavors of it just a bit, and it was juicy and so yummy. I'm so pleased with the way it turned out. Plus, we were able to salvage the wishbone, so it's drying out at home right now so that the fiancé and I can pull it apart this weekend, something that's become a bit of a tradition with us. We even do this with the wishbones from rotisserie chickens :)
The fiancé's father was nice, per always, I don't mind hanging out with him except that he interrupts everyone all the time. Seriously, you can't have a conversation with anyone else around him cuz he'll randomly start talking over the conversation about whatever he wants to talk about at the time. But it's not mean, I think he's just off in his own world. He's pretty harmless.
And lo and behold, the MIL (mother in law) complemented us on the meal! And she even said my cranberry sauce was delicious and asked me how I got it so thick, and said she had started to always make her carrots the way I make them (roasted with olive oil and thyme, recipe from my mom) and had told everyone at work to make them that way too! That is really a compliment of the highest order from her :)
I had tried to make an artichoke dish from Tyler Florence (one of her favorite chefs), but we left it warming in the oven a little too long, so it was a bit tough, plus she's never eaten artichokes so it didn't go over well. Which is ok, I wasn't really that big of a fan of it either :P
Of course, the visit wouldn't be complete without her making slightly snarky remarks on the travel for the wedding, and our wedding favors and colors and my dress pictures that I liked that I had ripped out of the 3 wedding magazines Loud had bought for me (thanks :)), but that's ok. The visit is over, it was fairly pleasant, and I was a complete cooking rockstar.
Next week, I get my car back, and on Friday, at 8am, I get my freedom back!!!
Woohoo!!!
Now it's back to work, where I am the only person whose customer has already called :P

Too much

There is too much going on right now. Thanksgiving stress, in-law stress, car stress, wedding stress, leg stress, money stress, work stress, and the stress of having so much to do and not being able to do it while on home confinement.
While we were playing poker with Ding and Vavra, Ding and I, at one point, started laughing hard and long about something..........I don't remember what, it wasn't anything particularly hilarious, but one of those things that hits you just right at the moment. But the strange thing was that through the tears of laughter came real tears and I almost started crying right then and there.
I need to get out. I go from home to work, I do work that I don't care about anymore, I go from work to home, I watch TV and smoke cigarettes and drink N/A beer instead of eating, I go to bed too late, and then I wake up and do it all over again. The only time I get to get out is when I get called and told to come in for a drug test.
This is not the way I ever wanted my life to be.
I'm feeling very disassociated from it all - while still feeling very trapped and caged and unsettled. I feel like I'm trying to run away from everything that I have to deal with but I can't, it just keeps coming, and I'm so exhausted.
The fiancé tells me to just work through things one at a time - get through Thanksgiving with the in-laws, get through the car problems, get through home confinement, get through the work stuff, get through the debt, one at a time.
I'm just, for the first time in my life, finding it hard to stuff the bad things in a box and ignore them.

Timing belts

Yes, timing belts are supposed to last a very long time. On my car, it's supposed to last 90,000 miles.
It crapped out at 55,000 for some reason. It was frayed, apparently, and that caused it to slip. Hence, my engine is now a one ton paperweight.
And the new engine they are getting for me and rebuilding and putting in has 80,000 miles on it. One of the damn reasons I bought the car that I did was because it had such low milage, but now that's shot. That's the equivelent of 2 1/2 years of driving (25k miles) that I'm getting in a week. And they're getting it from a commercial salvage yard, which means I probably won't be able to get the VIN of the car they pulled it from.
So who knows the history of this mystery engine? No one. But it's going in my car. I'm at least getting it pretty much rebuilt - told the guy to put in a new timing belt (duh), water pump, seals, gaskets, spark plugs and drive belt.
Of course, that drives the cost up.
I am now more in debt than I have ever been in my entire life, and I'm not happy about it.

At least I like Ramen and Mac & Cheese.

I just found out how much it's going to cost to fix my car.

I am a very, very sad kitty right now :(

Stupid car

Major meltdown this morning - my car died last night. Got it towed and looked at this morning.
Timing belt was frayed - and it jumped time.

FUCK.

My engine is toast. Your timing belt keeps time in your car - when the valves open and the pistons fire etc etc. The fact that it slipped means that everything got out of kilter and the valves and pistons are shot.
After hearing this at 9 in the morning on a Saturday after a long fucking week and an even longer 2 1/2 months, I completely broke down and cried and ranted and raved, before calling my Dad so he could get me in check.
After the accident that totaled my car, I got no money from the insurance company, so I had to buy a new car. I haven't even paid it off yet and now I need to buy a whole new engine - which means I need to pay over half the value of my car again, IF they can find me a decent engine.
All thise less than 2 weeks before I get my freedom back.
Which it looks like won't be happening, because I'm not going to have a car.

*sigh*

I'm so damn frustrated right now.

My Time In Exile

"Used to worry for each other
No one’s bothered like before
We sleep with each other’s friends
Sneak around, fall apart,
And come back for more
We sit around drinking tables
Stabilized and keeping score
But my mind is somewhere out the door
We go to clubs
The songs are old
The evening’s blown
Go our ways and take taxis home
Talk of Sunday outings
And medicate to fight the doubting
But know we’ll always be alone
Well that’s my year spent in exile
Second guessed and dressed up in tatters
My both feet didn’t take this path
And I’m still looking for a life that matters
More than chit-chat we listen to the streets
We’re all deadbeats
And these old habits are starting to show through
Sorry I didn’t get to know you
Oh, time has flown
I’ve overstayed a while
In my time in exile
Oh, we have grown
The one thing that I’ve learned
I want a life now of my own..."
~Third Eye Blind

Poker and nu toyz

Yey! I finally got to use all my fun new poker stuff.
A while back, I bought some poker chips. Then I bought a case to put them in, and also a poker table top to play on.
Last Saturday, Vavra and Ding came over for game night, so me, my fiancé and them played many hands of poker. I completely and utterly lost (I was actually negative, which mean I had to take more chips from the case to keep playing :P) but it wasn't for real money, so that was ok. Right before we ended playing, Ding had won a large pot, and so she was the over-all winner.
It was much fun though. We had pot stickers, homemade apple crisp, and other assorted snacks, and we played for many hours and had lots of good quotes that did, suprisingly, get funnier each time you said them :P
Anyways, I think that I need more practice. We should set up a girls poker night once in a while so that when I hit up Vegas for the honeymoon, I don't come back broke :)

Fun stuff

I love Loud's comment on my last post. More people should comment like they're had way too much caffeinated soda :)
And best link ever, also courtesy of Loud (shown during the dinner party where we chatted about worm bins):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qMlALg2Qlt4
It's amazing how accurate that is.

Time

So, when I started this whole home confinement thing, I thought I'd have tons of time to read books, and watch TV, and scrapbook, and whatnot.
That turned out to be so not true.
I've read some books, yes, and gotten into a few new TV shows (anyone watch Meerkat Manor? They're so cute). But for the most part, I've been doing wedding planning and trying to rest. Going through this is emotionally exhausting, and I know that sounds weird, but it is. Add that to the stress of planning a wedding and 2 receptions that I don't want, and sleep becomes pretty essential.
I've continued doing the cooking and cleaning, and spend about as much time making the shopping list for the fiancé as I used to take to do the grocery shopping (who knew there were so many meanings to the words "sliced jalapenos"?).
And now I'm over 2/3 done (go Team Jennifer) and all I can think of is the absolute whirlwind that the first 2 weeks of December will be. The spa, going out, dress shopping, parties, Christmas tree decoration, more wedding stuff, trip to a customer site, shopping for gala clothes and food and drinks, decorating the rest of the house and yard and cleaning the house and finally cooking for the gala.
The gala takes a lot of work.
But even before all of that I have to survive the cooking and cleaning spree that will be Thanksgiving for the future in-laws. I did already make homemade cranberry sauce.......but I don't think it will last for the next 2 1/2 weeks.
And we're getting an organic, free-range turkey breast and I'm going to brine it for the first time ever! I even bought brining mix and bags from Williams-Sonoma!

You know, if this week's essay topic was "prove how ridiculously yuppy you can be", that last paragraph would have totally clinched it.

Anyways, come over this Saturday for game night (maybe 7pm-ish?). I has more nu toys 2 play wif.
And I want to see more comments! I get no comments unless I blog about my bangs.
Which, BTW, are completely in my eyes. And I haven't seen any sparklies yet.

More wedding

Things are starting to take shape a bit for the wedding.
Instead of getting married in my parent's backyard, we're going to get married at a vineyard then eat lobster (including uber-cheesy lobster bib that will be included in the group pictures) and have an open wine/beer bar, plus a limo to shuttle everyone around so that at 10pm when we go back to the hotel we're not worrying about driving. Plus, the spa and salon are right at the hotel I'm looking at, AND they have a evening shuttle from downtown Newport and back so we can party it up :)
In case you care, it's this place:
http://newportspa.com/
We're going to be reserving a block of rooms (haven't done that yet) but I called and it looks like a standard room w/1 king bed or 2 queens will be $99 on Thursday (9/11) and $159 on Fri and Sat. The "luxury" rooms with a 2 person whirlpool are more, but really, are we going to be at the hotel that much? The girls will have massages and manicures on Friday, and hair and makeup done Saturday. I'm thinking the wedding party should all go out on Thursday so they can meet each other. And Friday should be the "rehearsal" dinner (don't think we'll do an actual rehearsal, but the parents should be able to meet everyone so we'll probably still do the dinner) so everyone can meet the parents.
Also, we're going dress shopping in about a month. Look for posts with pictures of the horrific dresses we find :)
And let me know if you want to come to RI for the reception (Lucia and Vavra, I got you already). We have a few more spots that we could fill!

Essay Tuesday (on Friday)

So, courtesy of Witty's/Loud's suggestion, this week we should prove how uncool we are. I was just looking through my previous posts, and I gotta say, this sentence from my all-night canning post kinda says it all:
So, last Saturday was the Fall Ball, a fundraiser for the girls walking the 3 Day this year. While I couldn't attend like the previous year, I decided to have my own fun and stay up all night canning tomatoes (why yes, I am a huge dork).