Revelation

I heard a song on the radio when driving home from work tonight, and it went like this:

"Half inch fuse, ready to bite
Never said you’re sorry cause you’ve always been right
Tell me I’m lame every Saturday night
Cause you drank too many and you want to fight
All my life, hold my breath
Wonder what trouble is coming next
Hold on tight through this mess
Sing that song 'cause you sing it best
La la la la
Hey, I love it when you’re spitting in my face
The way you scream when you’re breaking all my things
I love the way you put me in my place
Don’t ever leave me alone..."
~Smile Empty Soul

I must admit, I'm sometimes that girl. I have a shitty week, or my beautiful goldie, my only friend for a while, dies (he moved with me from RI to Madison 6 years ago in a small tupperware container situated in the center console of my car when my "loving" boyfriend wouldn't, and he died last Thursday - we buried him and I couldn't go to work on Friday), or whatever. And I get busy drowning my sorrows, and then get belligerent and annoying. And I always apologize after, because I realize what a world-class asshole I've been.

These kind of angst-ridden, guilt-and-anger, love-and-hate volatile relationships seem sexy, dangerous, and what "real love" must feel like when you're 18.

But I'm 28 now, and if those 10 years have done anything besides make me fatter, it's made me realize this:

FUCK THAT.

I love my husband, a ton. It's an absolute miracle (and I don't believe in god) that we found each other the way we did (living across the country, taking the same job at the same time even when he graduated a year earlier, etc) and I can't imagine living without him.

So, I've decided to grow up. He's worth the "imperfections" that are mostly a product of my own insecurities anyways. I love him and I don't want to drive him away.

And the same goes with my friends. I will reach out more. I love you guys too, and I'm sorry I've been a shitty friend - but hopefully, we can can move past it.