OMG

I'm a homeowner.

As in, we have the keys and the garage door openers and we signed a zillion papers and handed over a hefty cashier's check and met with the people who were selling the house and then got to wander around for an hour or so today to just look at all the stuff we want to change.

It is absolutely FREAKY. I feel like this is something that adults do, and I definitely don't feel like an "adult". I know that I can probably handle this responsibility - it just feels like I'm way too young to do something like this, even though I'm not - I'm 27.

Tonight D and I will go to look at it some more and start planning specific projects. Over the next 3 weeks we hope to get painters in there and carpet cleaners, and then on the 22nd of May we actually have movers coming to take everything from the old house to the new place.

Ack! Scary and exciting and completely disconcerting - but in a good way!

Don't worry......

You know, when it comes to the link from the previous post, I was smart enough to click the link from my work computer instead of my home computer :)

But you know what they say, curiousity killed the cat.....

Blog spam

Has spam finally migrated to blogs? I was very confused once to find that I received spam in the form of a text message on a work phone, and now I'm even more bewildered. Do people just sit around thinking of new ways to annoy other people?

I got a comment on this post. Lucia received a similar comment on her post, so did Loud, and so did this Wisconsin Roaming post.

But the confusing thing - what exactly are they trying to get? If you go to one of the pages it's some page written in foreign language, and nothing that my McAfee yelled about. What's up with that?

The ties that bind

I have always believed that the fiancé's mother is the Queen of Unwarranted Guilt Trips. But, it seems you are blind to your own life, and I've discovered a new King in the form of my father.

If this is what "familial responsibility" is, I don't want any part of it. It seems that being part of a family means you can hurt the other people but give more courtesy to the real person this anger should have been directed towards, a goddamn stranger. I don't want your money that you offered me to be a source that you dig at to make me feel guilty, when I never even asked for it. I certainly don't want it for a goddamn wedding that I'm only participating in to make others in the family happy. They don't have to deal with this grief, I do. And I'm sick of dealing with bullshit and being the one who's hurt just so other people get what they want.

When do I get what I want? And I don't want to hear that bullshit about how the wedding isn't for the couple. Maybe other people accept that and deal with it. I do not.

Maybe this will blow over in time. But I don't think I could ever forget, or forgive, this.

One week and counting

The countdown to closing has begun in earnest. We close on the house in exactly 7 days and 1 hour.
I'm nervous, but also excited. Once we get the keys we can start schlepping some of our crap over to the new house. We can put in some manual labor, which, suprisingly, is exciting to me. All the little projects that came out of the home inspection are things we hope to do within the month that we have before we need to be out of the current house. It'll be interesting to be "weekend warriors" for a while :)

New Experiences

So, I am all about having New Experiences.

But there are some New Experiences I can do without, really. Like the one I had last night, where, after trying to land at the Madison airport in extreme turbulence (large thunderstorm) in a tiny puddle jumper, with many people puking because it was so bad, they rerouted us to Green Bay. Then we got to sit on the runway while they reopened the airport because many people had gone home early.
Then we got to figure out who was all from the place where I work, and rent a couple of large vans and find people willing to drive the 2 1/2 hours back to Madison, since we all had to be back in the office on Friday.

Whee. I didn't get home until 3am.

And, as of 2:30 this afternoon, I will have worked over 60 hours this week.

These are the New Experiences that I really, really, am ok with never having ever again.

I moved the massage up to 3:30pm today :P

Tired kitty...

...is tired.
It's been a long week.
12-hour shifts at my customer's second go-live. Which, usually, wouldn't be bad. But dude - I'm BILLING. We, like, don't get issues until like 2 weeks later.
So we were booooooooooooooooooooored.
Each day we'd get up at 4:30am EST, head out at 5:30am to get there at 6am (and have time to hit up starbucks first for a triple or quad venti) and then work straight until 6pm (they even brought in lunch, so there was no escape). Then we'd go out to dinner, have a couple glasses of wine to wind down, and go to bed at like 9:30pm.
This morning we actually decided to go in at 7am, so I didn't have to get up until 5:40am. Heaven!
When getting up late is synonomous with getting up at 5:40am, you know there is something wrong with the world.
Then tomorrow it's back to the office and meetings, and then at 6pm my wonderful fiance scheduled a surprise, already-paid-for full body massage.
*drool*
Though, don't y'all go thinking that's all selfless - I'm sure it's partially motivated by the fact that he doesn't want to hear me bitch about that particular customer and he knows I'm rather jelly-like after a massage :)

Seems fitting...

That my 100th post would be about something pretty special.

We bought a house!!!!!! *dancedancedance*

I'm so excited. Nice 4-bedroom, 2.25 bath on the west side w/a 2 car garage and in a nice, quiet neighboorhood. We put an offer in on Friday morning, after seeing a few more houses with nothing really grabbing us. D was quite pale, but agreed to put an offer in on the house we saw last week. We put it in for $10K less than they wanted (and they'd already lowered it by $10K before this). Figured we wouldn't get it, and I was on pins and needles for what seemed like days, but really, was only like 5 hours - because at 3:30pm I got a call from our agent to tell us that Congratulations - we had an accepted offer!! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

We have the inspection scheduled for tomorrow, and a meeting with the bank to get the mortgage officially approved on Tuesday, then then we close on 4/28. We'll have a month to do stuff like paint (yey colors!) and move in, then we'll be officially out of the Whitney Way house as of 5/31.

And so, here it is:
http://www.starkhomes.com/vp/ListingServlet?SITE=STARK&ScreenID=LISTING_DETAIL_P&EXCEEDLIMIT=Y&totalFound=0&showMap=Y&cd_MLS=305313

I'm thinking that the 3rd annual deep fry party will also be a combination housewarming party so everyone can see it once we're settled. I'm so excited to soon be done with moving for a very long time :)

Here's hoping........

So, we're going to see 2 or 3 more houses tomorrow morning. I've been waking up every night around 3am, like clockwork, then not sleeping well until 7am for almost a week now. I hope that after tomorrow, that ceases to happen, because I feel like my entire body is wrapped in cotton right now and it's really freaking annoying to be this sleep-deprived.

The house that we saw last week is still on the market, and apparently they are really motivated and looking for an offer. I don't want to post any more details about it for fear of jynxing it - but I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it may be the one.

On other fronts, I finally picked out a bridesmaid dress:
http://www.edenbridals.com/7169-p-963.html

Yeah, I know, totally not what you would expect. Ding and Loud and I picked it out just for kicks among the, like, 15-20 other dresses that Ding tried on (she was a trooper - many, many thanks for trying on that many dresses, especially since I'm SO indecisive). But, she put it on and it looked FABULOUS on her. I'm finding a distinct pattern with this whole wedding planning shtick - everything I think that I want, I end up completely falling in love with the opposite.

I'm also actually participating in CrazyLegs this year, for the first time. Before, I always stayed behind and cooked a large meal with M and Loud's help (and in Witty's kitchen) for the runners to have when they got back, but this year Witty no longer lives right near State Street, so we're forming a team (Go Alpha Contingent!) and I'm walking with Lucia. Funny how, the year after the accident that has left me with pretty much a bum leg, I'm participating for the first time in 5K run/walk. Should be pretty exciting.

This year is completely turning out the be the most interesting year for me yet.

Houses

Grrrrrrrrr. I'm rapidly becoming tired of looking for a house. The ones we like seem to get accepted offers within hours of going on the market, and D and I are just not ready to go that fast. The ones that we don't like that much sit on the market and don't go anywhere.

Add that to the fact that D and I like EXACTLY opposite things, and this is just not going anywhere.

*sigh*

I feel like we've looked at 3 million houses and we still haven't made a decision. We decided to hold off on the Raymond house after I sent D to an open house that I couldn't attend, and he came home saying that he really liked the other house. Then I went to look at it and didn't like it all that much :P

Then we found another one that we really like, and saw it last Friday. The problem is that there's 3 others I want to look at before we make an offer on the first one, but D's gone this week, so we can't see the other 3 till Friday, and I'm so nervous that the first one is going to be gone before then that I can't even sleep more than 2 hours at a time. So now I'm still nervous and stressed, and add to that sleep-deprived. Whee.

Who ever said that the housing market was slow never looked for a house in Madison. Our agent has had just two houses in the past week where they've gone from listed to sold in less than 12 hours.

Augh!!

Slacking off

Whoops, it's been a while. I've been busybusybusy with stuff, though I don't feel like I've accomplished a lot.


I went to Seattle on a business trip last week, that was fun - we got out early and saw amazing sights and went to Pike's Place market and then gorged ourselves on seafood at a restuarant that was right on the water with an unbelievable view of the setting sun over the water and mountains.........wonderful.

I'm also going on another business trip next week - Sun through Sat in MO. D is in Vegas this weekend, so I won't see him for over a week. Boo!

Speaking of him, the fiancé and I decided on the tux and rental place for the wedding tuxes, which is a big load off my mind. He wants his side of the wedding to wear black zoot suits with white pinstripes, and while that's an awesome idea, we were having trouble finding some. We even went to the men's place at Vera's bridal, to talk to the girl there - and OMFG she had the brain of a rock! D, the fiancé, POINTED to the tux that he thought was most like what he wanted. It was the longest tux in the whole place. The girl, brainless as she was, goes over to it and says "Oh, we have many other suits with these buttons!"

Uh - buttons?? WTF? Why, when we point to the only tux that's long, would she think we were talking about the goddamn buttons??? Her brain is just NOT wired right. I was completly irate after 5 minutes of this incomprehensible incompetence, and we finally left. What an idiotic moron. I do believe that DuBois must practice nepotism to the hilt, because there's no way in hell that girl knew a thing about men's suits. Argh!!

D took me to have wings and (copious) amounts of beer after that to calm me down. Grrrrr.


Anyways, we've found a place that has them and is national and where we can rent in RI and return in WI, to accomodate both the RI wedding and WI reception, and the fitting of the 2 groomsmen from WI and my brother in RI.


And, I bought my dress! Wheeee! It's the second dress in my previous post about dresses. White with dramatic red accents. It's so damn pretty! I'm so excited about it.

Also, we went to pick out wedding bands last week. D's mom had a white gold wedding band that she didn't wear anymore and wanted us to go to a custom place (where she had it made, coincidentally) and have it melted down to use in my band. Sweet gesture, so we figured why not. Then I found my great aunt's engagement ring that she left to me when she died many years ago. It was white gold, with a 7-point diamond (.07 carats). Since our bands will be white gold, and D wants a few 7-point diamonds in his, they'll melt down the white gold from my great aunt's ring with his mother's gold, so my band (sans any diamonds) will be a mix of the two families/history. Then, one of the diamonds in D's band will be my great aunt's diamond, completing the mélange. Two perfectly custom bands that have more sentimental value than you could ever believe, all for less than we budgeted for. Woohoo, go us!


We've also been looking at houses on the near west/west side for about 3 weeks now. We put in an offer on one a week or so ago, but were competing and lost when she wanted to go above her listing price (screw that, I was not pleased with her playing one against the other and her excuses about why she suddenly needed more for the house). We've seen over a dozen houses so far. Perhaps a move and housewarming party will be in the future!

Farmer's Market, why hast thou left?

You know, it may be all the snow we've been getting recently, or perhaps it's the abolutely frigid temperatures, or maybe it's because I had to miss the last two months of it last year, but I am SO missing the fresh produce from the local Farmer's Market. D and I would get up early EVERY Wednesday morning (didn't miss one! Even when I was stuck at home, D would go and call me on his bluetooth headset, and walk around and tell me all the things that were there and what we could buy. That's love :)) and go to the Hilldale parking lot and pick up fresh, local food (mostly produce, but things like coffee and cheese too). We would get home with bags of yummy stuff, and when I got home from work that night we would wash and chop and cook and bag and put everything where it should be, and for the rest of the week, until the next Wednesday, we had fresh fruit and veggies to eat.
I would make fresh, whole-milk mozzerella, and we'd have a fantastic caprese salad with home-grown tomatoes and basil from the plants that were on our deck.
Now, I bought a tomato from the store the other day, because I had a craving - and OMG, ick. It was mealy and yucky.
The stringbeans that we bought the other day were large and tough.
The spinach was sub-par.
We are thinking of joining a CSA this summer, but half of what I liked about the Farmer's Market was the experience of strolling around there in the morning air and having fun with D for half an hour, as sort of a mid-week break. I cannot wait until it starts up again!!

Hey Mom, look what I made! Part II

I spent the Thursday evenings in January attending a stained glass class, where we got to pick out a design (or bring your own, but I'm not up to that level yet :P), buy the glass, and then make your own piece, pretty much by yourself. The fiancé and I are going to look at some houses next week, and my long-term goal is to replace the kitchen cabinet faces with stained glass pieces. Making a window would be pretty cool too. But I think that, for now, I'll concentrate more on simpler pieces that won't get as much exposure, like lampshades or jewelry boxes.

Which, as you'll see from the below pictures, is probably a good idea. This piece is better than the first one (largely because I got to pick out the colors), but I still have a long way to go before I start making pieces that are the focal point of a room I spend a lot of time in :)

Sam's long day

My horribly abused kitty was loaded into the terrible carrier and taken to the evil V-E-T last Saturday, and the poor baby had a tooth that had to be removed. So, this morning, I dropped him off, again at the V-E-T, in the hated carrier - after not giving him any food since 10pm the night before. Talk about adding insult to injury!

I almost cried when we left him there - I hate leaving him there to be put under by poor strangers. At least during the appt on Saturday I was there so he could bury his head in my side and pretend that we couldn't see him.

He had a long day. He was hissing at the evil V-E-T when they put him in his carrier to go home (something he never does) and he groggy when we got home. He's staying in the bedroom with us tonight to make sure he's ok.


Poor baby. He wants so much lovin'. He's even sitting on my lap as I type. Major guilt trip!

What do you think?

Opinions plz! Vote on whether you think I should go simple or fancy for my wedding dress. I've included examples below to help you :)

(I don't promise to go with the majority, but I'm interested in what people are going to say...........)

Simple:

Or Fancy:

What Will Be, Will Be

"Heard you calling
From high above
The sweetest voice was saying
that we could learn to love
Each other and be as one
When we start believing
Our journey as begun
Join with me
Set your spirit free
You'll find your destiny
Stay with me
What will be will be
We'll find our destiny"
~Divine Inspiration

Anthem

"Lately I've been feeling the same
I've being losing hope, resisting the pain
It's cold outside, I wish it were clearer
Sometimes it's just easier to turn around then look in the mirror
Sometimes when I go to sleep
My life spins out in front of me
Like a hurricane, a bottle of wine
Sometimes it's easier to let something else control your life
This is an anthem for the girl that got away
This is an anthem for the war of yesterday
This is an anthem for the rebel of my youth
This is an anthem for the risk of loving you"
~Filo & Peri feat. Eric Lumiere

Be Mine

"It's a good thing tears never show in the pouring rain
As if a good thing ever could make up for all the pain
There'll be no last chance to promise to never mess it up again
Just the sweet pain of watching your back as you walk
As I'm watching you walk away
And now you're gone, there's like an echo in my head
And I remember every word you said
It's a cruel thing you'll never know all the ways I tried
It's a hard thing, faking a smile when I feel like I'm falling apart inside
There's a moment to seize everytime that we meet
But you always keep passing me by
But you never were, and you never will be mine
No, you never were, and you never will be mine."
~Robyn

Didn't make it to dress shopping last weekend.....

Because my tonsils are trying to kill me.
Seriously.
I went out with some work people Friday night, and was fine, and got bed around midnight or so, so that I'd be rested for dress shopping on Saturday. But when I woke up at 9am, my head was all congested and my tonsils were swollen to what felt like 3 times their size.
I was a slug all weekend, laid around and napped and ate lots of soup and popsicles, and I *still* feel like crap. Ugh.

Gr.

That is all.

Rephrase

Ok, let me clarify what I meant in my previous post about wedding dress shopping – I was not miserable, I was TERRIFIED. I felt like I was in way over my head. There was lots of activity. Lots of floofy white dresses that made me look utterly horrible.
Keep in mind that I never thought I’d be having a wedding as big as the one I’m having, which I know, is not big by anyone’s standards but mine. I’m not used to all this girly dress stuff – I’m a tomboy and I am comfortable in jeans and a t-shirt, NOT in a tight white fancy dress.
Plus it seemed like all the dresses that were picked out were not what I had in mind, but I don’t KNOW what I have in mind, so what can I say?
I was just very confused and flustered and completely out of my element. But I’m hoping it gets easier the more I do it.

The Sound of Goodbye

"Every face I see is cold as ice
Everything I touch is pale
Ever since I lost imagination...
Like a stream that flows into the sea
I am lost for all eternity
Ever since you took your love away from me
Sometimes the sound of goodbye
Is louder than any drumbeat
Sometimes
The sound of goodbye......"
~Perpetuous Dreamer

"Girl's" poker night

So, I needed some relief from the hecticness all lately, and a night free of testosterone seemed like just the ticket, so I got the girls together for a girl's name night last Friday.
We played poker, drank beer, ate pizza and wings, and played a drinking game called "What the F*ck", which is COMPLETELY guy-centric.
So much for the girl's night. But it was tons of fun :)

Then on Saturday morning we went bridal gown shopping.
UGH!
I really thought that it would not be that terrible of a process, and I was so wrong. I didn't like any of the gowns or bridemaids dresses enough to really consider any of them. Towards the end of 2 hours in that place and I wanted to buy something just so I wouldn't have to go through that again.
Think about it - first, I'm ridiculously nervous because I'm way out of my depth and there were so many people there! Then you get to wear disgustingly tight "undergarments" (really, I think they're that tight so that when you can't breath you get lightheaded and agree to a dress just so you can get out of them) and need at least one other person in the dressing room with you to help you put on silly, fancy-pants, floofy dresses that weigh 100 pounds and don't flatter ANYONE'S figure. Then you get to prance around on a pedistal in front of everyone and about 3 million mirrors, and of course the one dress that I like is floaty and plain and the ones that everyone else likes is tight and fancy.
We had a late lunch after that, and I promptly went home and burst out crying to my poor, confused fiancé, who only wanted to whisk me away for a romantic night for my birthday.
And I get to do it next weekend too.
*sigh*

The couple that does kegstands together, stays together

That's how the old saying goes, right?

Disco Friends

"She's got a whole lot of disco friends
Disco ladies and gentlemen
Eating their faces from the inside out
Freaky dancing till the late AM
Music slipping down the walls of sweat
She's catching fishies in a disco net
Throwing kisses in the powder room
Slowly sucking on a cigarette
She knows an awful lot of disco kids
Novelty sunglasses and mullet wigs
She says she wants to be a stylist
Or maybe something in the music biz
Daddy's rich, Mommy's beautiful
They always said she'd be a top model
But now she's hiding out in disco land
A happy clappy trust experience
Disco friends..."
~Just Jack

Quote

There is a quote that I keep taped to my computer monitor to help me keep a sense of humor and my sanity on stressful days. Today it seems especially appropriate.

"I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once."
~Jennifer Unlimited (writer)

Work

I have been up almost all night for work because one of my customers did something bad to the system yesterday afternoon and I've been helping them clean it up. And we're not done yet.
Tired kitty is sleepy :(

It's a New Year

We rang in 2008 by partying at Wintergypsy's house until 4am - good times. And I was ok to drive home, which was pretty freaking cool - no drunken escapades for me, and I'm suprisingly ok with it. I met some really fun people and had a great time doing some new things (walnut wish boats, anyone?).
I was too busy having fun to take pictures, so here are a few highlights from Loud.

How our night started out:

Casting our wishes on unstable, flaming nut boats:

The artistic photograph:

No party is complete without J-E-L-L-O:

The completely un-boobalicious club:

The fiancé appreciated that picture:

C'mon people - it's the Veuve:

Towards the end of the night:

I love the holidays :)

Hey Mom, look what I made!

Check out what we got to make during the stained glass workshop on Thursday night:

It's not very big, and it looks like a 7 year old made it, but I'm pretty proud of it. And I signed up for the 4 week workshop next month! Whee!

Gala + Time = party

After most people leave, we get to party hardcore with the people left, just like we used to do :)

On a side note, I just had a really tough meeting at work where I had to fight tooth and nail to get what I needed, and now I'm so exhausted. I can't wait for the stained glass workshop tonight. I think it'll be just the thing to take my mind off this.

And on a side side note, girl's game night, my place, either the 18th or 19th of January. And you're free to crash in the guest bedroom if need be.

Christmas time of year

Christmas was great this year. We had Monday evening and all of Tuesday off, so D and I also took Monday morning off so we could have a 4 day weekend. We also did that this coming weekend for the New Year, so I can't wait.
I got an email from my parents and brother about the presents I sent. It cost $110 to send everything in time for Christmas Eve, but it was worth it. They loved everything and I hope it made things a bit brighter.
We opened presents at our house on Christmas Eve also, and D got me great stuff, per usual, even thought we had put limits on our spending. I'm listening to a Just Jack CD right now that he found, got some great balsamic vinegar in the fridge, we watched Ratatouille on DVD......and there's other presents that I won't be telling you about ;)
We headed up to his parent's house on Christmas Day for dinner and presents - and brought an apple pie that we baked the night before (it actually turned out well!). We loaded the trunk of the Saab up with tons of presents (how we accumulated so many, I don't know) and I think the parents were very happy with what they got. I was happy too - they got me new Crazy Daisy dishes from ebay, kitchen linens and utensils to go with it, and even a Mutts sleep set made from organic cotton! And a fleece jacket direct from Saab with a cool, unobtrusive Saab logo. I'm so fancy :P
The fiancé got lots of clothes that he didn't like, but which I'm sure will make lots of more unfortunate people happy when we hit up goodwill. And of course he has presents from my family which haven't gotten here yet (cuz I'm a slacker and didn't send them the gift list early enough, oops).
We also got our annual bonus, aka, the ridiculously large sum of money that completely spoils us. But that went on the credit cards. We spent more money than I want to think of this month - I was free to leave the house, so we went out to eat a lot, there was the gala to buy for ($400 worth of just liquor - woohoo), presents, the tree, etc. And plus we went on a final spending spree last Tuesday because I found out I got certified in another app, so I get a bonus. D loves to spoil me, so he took me out to dinner and then we (aka, mostly I) dropped a lot of cash at the mall on more presents for parents and fun things for me.
This month has been fun. But I'm looking forward to the New Year, with a couple months to hibernate and recover :)

O Christmas Tree

For those of you not at the gala, here is the second annual 11ft Christmas tree in all it's splendor:

My mom doesn't like Christmas trees in general, so we always had 5 ft fake tree at home. Now that I'm gone she doesn't even bother to put the whole tree up - she just puts the top up on a table :P
So, for the second year in a row that I'm in a house with tall ceilings and a big living room, D and I have gotten a hugenormous tree and decorated it.

It makes me happy :)

Triumph!

Yesterday morning me and the fiancé got up at 7am, and heard the cat running around outside the bedroom (we keep the door closed on weekdays).
He went to go check out what the heck was going on, and I heard the dreaded words:
"It's the mouse again"
Yep, even though the cat had killed one a few weeks ago, there was another one.
So, the fiancé told me to give him a shoe and went into the guest bathroom after the mouse. We closed the door and stuffed a towel under it so the mouse was trapped. After many thumps and bumps, and the fiancé letting me know through the door that mice could climb and jump real well, he finally came out - the damn mouse was so cute that he couldn't kill it, and it managed to get under the vanity.
*sigh*
So, we went downstairs and got the $17 humane mouse trap that has so far NOT seen any action. I re-baited it with fresh peanut butter and we stuck in in the bathroom, in the hopes that it would get the mouse that we knew was in there.
Well, this morning D (the fiancé) went into the bathroom and proudly announced that "we had mouse interaction!" Yep, the light was blinking on the trap and we paid our last respects to the second dead mouse.
Let's hope that's it. Not that I really believe it.

On a side note, I'm thinking of taking a stained glass class in January. It sounds neat, and I'm pretty excited about it. Think of all the neat stuff I could make! I <3 stained glass.

Hello

"Look forth upon your life and don’t hang on
There’s a clear blue sky in the days to come
Take off your mind your wildest hopes
Your sweetest dreams, material thoughts
Open up your mind; let your spirit flow
Sweeping off the lie that divides your world
Deep into your heart let your soul become
Wake up and have a look outside the wall
Whatever thing I do or say, your dreams my fate
Your love, my faith … Does anything count at all?
Whatever place I go or stay is it a sign to live astray?
Does anything count at all?"
~Dreaminfusion

Pay it forward

So, I've decided to get involved in this pyramid scheme that Lucia is propagating, so here is my turn:
I hereby pledge to send a handmade gift to the first three people who comment on this entry. No real promises about time frame, but it’ll be within the next 365 days. In return, you have to post the same offer on your blog, and prepare to send a gift to three other people.

Can't wait to see what Lucia comes up with :)

Toca's Miracle

"If you're gonna save the day
And you're hearin' what I say
I feel your touch
Your kiss, it's not enough
And if you believe in me
Don't think my love's not for real
I won't take nothin' less then a deeper love
Tell me that you understand
And you'll take me as I am
You'll always be the one to give me everything
Just when I thought no one cared
You're the answer to my prayer
You lift my spirits high
Come on and rescue me
Let me tell you
I need a miracle
Its more than physical
What I need to feel from you..."
~Fragma

Damaged

I think I've hit a wall in my life, where nothing works and nothing changes, and I'm so tired.
To make it worse, it's snowed here, and if there is one thing I couldn't do before the accident, it was drive in snow. Now, I have less control and feeling in my right foot than before, which freaks me out even more, and the accident was partially caused by an icy, slippery road. I will never forget the feeling of abject terror that woke me from my alcohol-induced memory loss that night. I remember that feeling and the feeling of being completely out of control, and I remember the feeling of impact when I finally hit the tree. Those feelings will haunt me for the rest of my life. I couldn't even get out of our driveway today because I'm so inept at driving in snow, and that combined with the stress of preparing myself to drive in snow led to an impromptu breakdown in the fiancé's car as he drove me to work because I couldn't drive myself.
My relationship is in shambles, my friendships aren't doing so well either because of how I acted on Friday (I slid waaaaaaaaaay backwards into self-destructive mode again, after promising that I wouldn't), and even though I have my bracelet off, I can't go anywhere because of the snow and the paralyzing fear caused by the feelings from the accident. To make things worse, the heat in our house isn't working so it's 50 degrees and freezing, the dishwasher doesn't work, and the cat woke us up at 12am again, this time to show me the DEAD MOUSE he had in his mouth.
I feel like I'm stuck in life the same way I was stuck in my driveway - wheels spinning in overdrive and all I'm doing is fishtailing around.
I'm out of control and I want to deal with it the way I always do - by doing very self-destructive things that I won't mention here. I want to get out of that rut, but I have no idea what else to do.

"Dreaming comes so easily
Cause it's all that I know
True love is a fairy tale
I'm damaged, so how would I know
I'm scared
And I'm alone
I'm ashamed
And I need for you to know
I didn't say all the things I wanted to say
But you can't take back what you keep taking away
Cause I feel you
I feel you, near me
The feeling comes so painfully
And it chills to the bone
Many won't get close to me
I'm damaged
As I'm sure you know
I can't go back
I must go..."
~Plummet

I'M FREE!

Free free free free free free!!!!!!
Got the bracelet snipped off at five minutes of eight this morning, and then the (tentative) fiancé and I stopped at McDonald's and then Starbucks to celebrate!
As far as tentative, let's just say we talked and relieved some stress last night. We're starting over again, and testing the waters for a month.
But, as far as today goes, I'm off to the spa for an all-day appointment, then it's dinner at the Old Fashioned, then salsa dancing at Frida. Could this day get any better??

Mice, part II

No, I wasn't allowed to go back to bed and have a nice, peaceful night.
I was woken up at 5:30am by the sound of my cat running around. Again. And so I had to get up and see what was going on. Again.
And he had a mouse. Again.
This time, I was running around trying to get him to catch the mouse again so I could somehow herd them downstairs and capture the mouse downstairs - AGAIN. I was of course, screeching again, and actually did it so hard that I really hurt my throat :(
But Sam was now bored with his nu toy, and the mouse disappeared somewhere in the vicinity of the fireplace.
Augh!
I went back to bed - and this time I closed the door and then had dreams about catching mice for the next 90 minutes of sleep that I got.
Ugh.

My lovely cat, the great hunter

It is 1:30 in the morning and I was just woken up by my loudly meowing cat wandering into my bedroom. Fearing something was wrong because he never does that, and plus it just sounded strange, I got up and followed him to the living room.
Seeing him crouched down, I figured he was probably gonna puke, cuz he does that sometimes. Too tired to care, I just moved him forward a few inches from the carpet to the linoleum floor so it'd be easy to clean up, and turned to go to bed - then registered that I'd seen something weird near his mouth. I ran downstairs after him to see what was going on with him, when he dropped a LIVE MOUSE on the floor!!

Eeeeeeeeeeeeek!
Of course, Sam was having fun. He had nu toy. He kept grabbing it then dropping it then finding it when it hid and running after it when it tried to run away. So, yelling and hopping around like a complete girl, I kept trying to grab at the cat and get him away from the mouse, which Sam was having NONE of. This meant, of course, that I was near the mouse - and he RAN OVER MY FOOT! Ewwwww!
I finally got the cat away and he's now in my bedroom, meowing to be let out because he wants to play more, but I felt so bad for the mouse, since Sam wasn't killing it, just hurting it. I called the (ex?) fiancé at the motel because I didn't know what to do - Sam's litterbox is downstairs so I don't want to completely close it off, and plus the mouse disappeared around said litterbox - and I can't help but think that Sam found this mouse upstairs, since he brought it into the bedroom to let me know about it, and I know that mice can go up stairs, so even if it's downstairs I'm not safe without closing the doors.

So I need to go back downstairs and get the litterbox from the clutches of evil insomniac mouse, then try to sleep without freaking out about mice climbing into bed with me.

EWWWWWWW!!

Skeptics and True Believers

"Don't be so scared, we will not lead
you on like you've been doing for weeks
So you're selfish, and I'm sorry
When I'm gone you'll be going nowhere fast
Nowhere fast, nowhere fast
Don't be so scared to take a second for reflection
To take a leave of absence, see what you're made of
So I'm selfish and you're sorry
When I'm gone you'll be going nowhere fast
So who's selfish and who's sorry?
Someone, somewhere said somethings that may have sparked some sympathy
But don't believe, don't believe a word you've heard about me.
Don't be so scared, it's harder for me.
Would you believe me if I said I didn't need you?
Cause I wouldn't believe you if you said the same to me
Near death, last breath, and barely hanging on
Would you believe me if I said I didn't need you?"
~The Academy Is

"I was always very clear about what I wanted, and he...wasn't.
And there's no way to build a future on that."

Pain

If I did the right thing, why does it hurt so much?
Sad kitty doesn't know what to do to get back to being happy :'(

Broken

I am so broken. My heart is broken because my engagement is broken and my relationship is gone and I don't know how to get it back without sacrificing my happiness.
But I don't want to have to do this all over. I don't want to live alone in an apartment. I don't want to have to start again.
What's my alternative? An emotionally abusive relationship?
2007 will be remembered as the year that has taken everything away from me. What's next? Will my father, who I called at 3am EST and talked to until 5am EST because I didn't want to be alone, die in a horrible car accident?
I have always tried to be a good person. Why is this year so hard?

"I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away
I keep your photograph, I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain
The worst is over now and we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away
There's so much left to learn, and no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain
'Cause I'm broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I am strong enough
'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away..."
~Seether feat. Amy Lee

X

http://www.angelfire.com/goth/Leona/x.html

Angst

Suddenly, I'm a teenager again. Not able to go anywhere, no ring on my finger, living in a house of contempt and hiding away in my cold, dark room, listening to Type O Negative, trying to let the pain out. Trying to find some reason not to, but failing miserably. Staring at my shaking hand and giving up, after so long.
I am 15 again.

One week!

I am feeling soooooooooooooo much better about everything today.
The stress of Thanksgiving and the first get-together with the in-laws since the wedding fiasco is now over - and it wasn't half bad. I cooked up a storm - 3.5 hours on Wednesday and then about 2.5 on Thursday morning, so we had a *lot* of different dishes. The fiancé was super helpful too, even getting up at 5am with me to turn the turkey over that we had brining in the garage (though we did go back to bed for 5 more hours after that).
The pasture-raised organic turkey breast (seriously just a turkey w/the wings and legs removed) was expensive, but OMG, it was fabulous! I think the brining really helped, you could taste the fall flavors of it just a bit, and it was juicy and so yummy. I'm so pleased with the way it turned out. Plus, we were able to salvage the wishbone, so it's drying out at home right now so that the fiancé and I can pull it apart this weekend, something that's become a bit of a tradition with us. We even do this with the wishbones from rotisserie chickens :)
The fiancé's father was nice, per always, I don't mind hanging out with him except that he interrupts everyone all the time. Seriously, you can't have a conversation with anyone else around him cuz he'll randomly start talking over the conversation about whatever he wants to talk about at the time. But it's not mean, I think he's just off in his own world. He's pretty harmless.
And lo and behold, the MIL (mother in law) complemented us on the meal! And she even said my cranberry sauce was delicious and asked me how I got it so thick, and said she had started to always make her carrots the way I make them (roasted with olive oil and thyme, recipe from my mom) and had told everyone at work to make them that way too! That is really a compliment of the highest order from her :)
I had tried to make an artichoke dish from Tyler Florence (one of her favorite chefs), but we left it warming in the oven a little too long, so it was a bit tough, plus she's never eaten artichokes so it didn't go over well. Which is ok, I wasn't really that big of a fan of it either :P
Of course, the visit wouldn't be complete without her making slightly snarky remarks on the travel for the wedding, and our wedding favors and colors and my dress pictures that I liked that I had ripped out of the 3 wedding magazines Loud had bought for me (thanks :)), but that's ok. The visit is over, it was fairly pleasant, and I was a complete cooking rockstar.
Next week, I get my car back, and on Friday, at 8am, I get my freedom back!!!
Woohoo!!!
Now it's back to work, where I am the only person whose customer has already called :P

Too much

There is too much going on right now. Thanksgiving stress, in-law stress, car stress, wedding stress, leg stress, money stress, work stress, and the stress of having so much to do and not being able to do it while on home confinement.
While we were playing poker with Ding and Vavra, Ding and I, at one point, started laughing hard and long about something..........I don't remember what, it wasn't anything particularly hilarious, but one of those things that hits you just right at the moment. But the strange thing was that through the tears of laughter came real tears and I almost started crying right then and there.
I need to get out. I go from home to work, I do work that I don't care about anymore, I go from work to home, I watch TV and smoke cigarettes and drink N/A beer instead of eating, I go to bed too late, and then I wake up and do it all over again. The only time I get to get out is when I get called and told to come in for a drug test.
This is not the way I ever wanted my life to be.
I'm feeling very disassociated from it all - while still feeling very trapped and caged and unsettled. I feel like I'm trying to run away from everything that I have to deal with but I can't, it just keeps coming, and I'm so exhausted.
The fiancé tells me to just work through things one at a time - get through Thanksgiving with the in-laws, get through the car problems, get through home confinement, get through the work stuff, get through the debt, one at a time.
I'm just, for the first time in my life, finding it hard to stuff the bad things in a box and ignore them.

Timing belts

Yes, timing belts are supposed to last a very long time. On my car, it's supposed to last 90,000 miles.
It crapped out at 55,000 for some reason. It was frayed, apparently, and that caused it to slip. Hence, my engine is now a one ton paperweight.
And the new engine they are getting for me and rebuilding and putting in has 80,000 miles on it. One of the damn reasons I bought the car that I did was because it had such low milage, but now that's shot. That's the equivelent of 2 1/2 years of driving (25k miles) that I'm getting in a week. And they're getting it from a commercial salvage yard, which means I probably won't be able to get the VIN of the car they pulled it from.
So who knows the history of this mystery engine? No one. But it's going in my car. I'm at least getting it pretty much rebuilt - told the guy to put in a new timing belt (duh), water pump, seals, gaskets, spark plugs and drive belt.
Of course, that drives the cost up.
I am now more in debt than I have ever been in my entire life, and I'm not happy about it.

At least I like Ramen and Mac & Cheese.

I just found out how much it's going to cost to fix my car.

I am a very, very sad kitty right now :(